


Antagonize Me

by LyricalKris



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-24
Updated: 2012-10-07
Packaged: 2017-11-10 15:35:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 42,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/467888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricalKris/pseuds/LyricalKris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anger is an easier mask to wear than the true emotions it might cloak. Jasper is a very angry young man. Misery loves company. Maybe that's why he's intent on dragging Carlisle with him. Maybe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Barburella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barburella/gifts).



> [ ](http://s118.beta.photobucket.com/user/lyricalkris/media/Twilight%20Fanfic%20Stuff/600.png.html)

**Dedication: To Barburella. You really are one of the most awesome people ever. How do you put up with me? I mean, if you don't understand how much I love you… the fact I'm writing Jasper and CARLISLE together… that should be enough love to last you the rest of your life.**

**Thanks: To jadedandboring who will probably be the only one who can stomach beta'ing this. And thanks to Naeleny, bmango, and dizzygrl28 all of whom held my hand while I whined and moaned and tried to find a title for this beast.**

**Disclaimer: Pretty sure SM would be almost as horrified as I am about what's about to happen here. Much love and respect to the lady for giving me these awesome characters to play with.**

* * *

Jasper Whitlock was a royal pain in the ass.

Carlisle paced the length of the master bedroom, his hands in his hair, his thoughts wild, chaotic.

Good God, he hated this emotion.

For a moment, his head spun, and he was back in time, back under his father's roof where there was no such thing as calm, rational discussion. Every conversation in that house ended with screaming and more often than not, blows.

It got to the point where Carlisle's entire world was made up of varying degrees of anger. Most of the time it was a flicker of flame burning low at the very center of his chest. A kid at school would run into him and the flame would burn brightly for a second, maybe long enough that he'd shove the guy or fire off a smart-ass remark, but it was manageable.

Other times, though, that flame was a drop of light in an inferno. He knew the levels of anger. He knew what it was to be so furious there couldn't be enough destruction.

For so many years, anger and all its bedfellows were all he knew.

In the aftermath of his father casting him out for good, Carlisle had learned to temper that terrible emotion. He saw it now as a raging beast muzzled and tied tight. Calm, rationality, and empathy had come to him only through constant hard work.

And in one night, Jasper had undone all of that.

Carlisle closed his eyes, fighting to regain control. This is what he hated most: that his body was so not his own. His every instinct called for him fly right out his door and pick up right where he'd left off.

He'd had Jasper pinned up against the wall, his hands in fists, gripping the boy - the man - by his shirt. He'd shoved him hard, getting right up in his face, wanting, needing to intimidate him.

Jasper had only glared back, defiant as ever. As they stood there, Carlisle's body pinning Jasper's to the wall, the hard line of the younger man's mouth began to curl up at the corner. That cocky smirk. Carlisle so hated that cocky smirk.

Breathing in through his nose and out again, Carlisle sat heavily on his bed, his anger dwindling as his thoughts took another, more confusing turn. He rubbed the back of his neck, remembering how it had occurred to him that there was something different about this kind of anger - something he'd never experienced before.

In his memories from his teenage years, Carlisle's body had always tensed for a fight. The mechanics felt the same - his muscles curling, ready - but the aim felt different.

He didn't want to destroy.

What he wanted, he really wasn't quite sure.

Carlisle had been so riled up, he was absolutely poised for some kind of action, but after he had Jasper pinned, it was as though he short circuited. His body absolutely did not know what to do next.

The lull in action had given him just enough control to let go of the younger man and walk - well, run - away.

Back in control, the beast subdued, anger was beginning to morph into guilt.

Jasper had always shown remarkable aptitude in getting under people's skin. Carlisle had seen him use that power for good, or at the very least to wrap some sweet little boy around his finger. But he also had an uncanny ability to find weak points - every person had them.

With Carlisle, Jasper seemed to delight in stabbing a knife right where he was weakest and twisting. With a smile. With that cocky grin, to be exact.

Not for the first time, Carlisle reminded himself the boy - the man, he had to keep reminding himself - had a perfectly legitimate reason.

They were just ten years apart. Perhaps that wouldn't have meant anything particularly dire, except that Carlisle had married Jasper's mother. More years separated him from his wife than from his stepson, and that had always creeped said stepson out considerably.

When Jasper was seventeen, Carlisle had excused his behavior away as the stepfather factor mixed in with a healthy dose of teenage angst. Add to it the issue of the age gap, and it was no wonder Jasper acted the way he did.

But the boy was a man now. He was 21, home for the summer from college, and, this far into adulthood, he should have gained at least a little more maturity.

Carlisle hung his head, rubbing the back of his neck with shame.

Of course, once again circumstances called for a little delicacy. Jasper, after all, had very recently lost his mother.

Carlisle was only barely coping with Esme's death. He'd known it was coming, of course. Her illness had been long, and he'd known from the beginning how their story would end. It was one of the many reasons the age gap made no difference to them. Their time was always too precious to worry about such inconsequential things.

He'd known, but at Esme's request, they'd kept the truth from her son until the very end.

So while Carlisle had harbored some hope that they could help each other through this difficult time, it was also more than understandable that Jasper was as angry as ever.

Shaking his head ruefully, Carlisle considered the situation. He was, after all, the elder in their relationship. Whatever opinions he may have had regarding Jasper's maturity, it was no excuse not to turn the other cheek.

Properly contrite, Carlisle stood, squaring his shoulders as he walked to Jasper's room to apologize.

The door to Jasper's room was slightly ajar. Just as Carlisle lifted a hand to rap on it, he heard the younger man's laughter.

"Dude, you should have seen it. He was all flustered. He kept stuttering and trying to cover up that he was getting hard. He's a total perv, I swear." He paused, listening to the person on the other end of his phone while Carlisle silently reeled. "He makes it easy," Jasper snickered. "He's hot, too, and Jesus Christ... when he's all turned on... fuck."

Carlisle retreated, feeling...

Well, he didn't quite know.

The anger was back, though it was low to the ground and contained, at least for the time being. Whomever he was talking to, Jasper was outright lying. But why?

Probably more importantly, what was he supposed to do about it?

Back in his room, Carlisle pondered the younger man's words, wondering if it was best to confront him.

But no. He had to remember Jasper, though he obviously had a hard time acting the part, was an adult. It was not Carlisle's duty to guide him. Technically, it never had been.

His only responsibility was to himself.

To that end, Carlisle resolved to find his self control. What happened between them tonight, the yelling and the tussle that bordered on an odd edge of violence, would never happen again.

* * *

**A/N: Okay. Okay. I need to warn you of a couple things.**

**One, this will start posting when My Biggest Mistake, My Greatest Salvation is done... which isn't far off. Only one chap and epilogue left.**

**Two, I know some people hate this, so I'm warning you right now. Carlisle is my hard limit. Like ... CODE RED hard limit. If you read Comfortable, you'll know that when I write Carlisle, I frequently end up freaking the fuck out in my author's notes. So uh... feel free to skip it, but yeah. It's gonna happen.**

**I'm already breathing into a paper bag.**

**SO. Initial thoughts? Worries? Concerns? Hopes?**


	2. Murphy's Law

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PR/N: *Barburella hijacks* - I'd like to get the attention of the readers. Once you've read the awesome that is this fic (it's going to be awesome, trust!), you can come back and thank me. I mean, PFach? Come ON! I could read Carlisle slash for the rest of my life. And I love, love, LOVE Kris for going out of her comfort zone (and believe me, I'm getting heat for this little "excursion") for me. In her words: BIG. PUFFY. HEARTS.
> 
> A/N: GREAT. Now there's all this PRESSURE to be awesome.

Carlisle thought if he heard his name one more time today, he might well go insane.

Actually, he wouldn't mind hearing his own name. It was this 'Dr. Cullen' person everyone seemed to want the attention of. Today was a never ending, exhausting day of people calling for him, needing things from him, wanting him to do things. As it was, his beloved house mate had kept him up until all hours of the night with obnoxiously loud music.

Ever since their first fight, Jasper was trying his damnedest to tempt Carlisle's temper back into the open. He was alarmingly good at breaking Carlisle's practiced calm. This was saying something. As a doctor, the older man had come up against every type of belligerent patient there was. He'd been screamed at, cursed, assaulted, scratched, bitten, kicked, and everything in between. Through all that, he'd kept his bedside manner and never treated a patient with anything but compassion.

But Jasper was working his last nerve with words alone.

Well. Mostly words.

Jasper was playing some other game Carlisle couldn't quite wrap his head around.

Whatever it was, it was unsettling.

Carlisle's pen paused above his paperwork, his train of thought interrupted as he remembered the night before.

_As a doctor, Carlisle was well aware just how bad sugar-coated cereal was for the body. It was the worst kind of breakfast food imaginable. Which was why he never had it... for breakfast._

_He had a penchant for Cocoa Pebbles he'd never been able to shake. He put the box on top of the refrigerator both making it more difficult to get to and keeping it out of sight. But every once in a while, he succumbed to the need for chocolaty rice crispies that crunched oh so pleasantly in his mouth._

_He had to stand on his tip toes to get to the box, straining, his every muscle taut as he stretched._

_Just as his fingertips touched the box he was startled as a warm hand pressed full against his back, against his bare skin. He was sure he'd been alone just a few seconds before, but now Jasper was definitely there, leaning into the refrigerator with his hand firm against Carlisle's back._

_For the long seconds Jasper searched through the fridge, Carlisle was frozen. Just what was he supposed to do? His cheeks felt heated with embarrassment, but why?_

_Finding what he was looking for, Jasper backed up. When his hand lifted from Carlisle's back, the older man felt a definite sense of relief, his heart beginning to beat again. And yet, at the same time, there was a part of him that panged when the young man's touch was gone._

_Cocoa Pebbles all but forgotten, Carlisle turned around slowly._

_Jasper was leaning against the counter, drinking orange juice straight from the bottle - a habit he knew damn well Carlisle hated. It was unsettling the way his eyes lingered on Carlisle over the container, the expression in them cocky and something else._

_Something incendiary._

_Carlisle suddenly felt very aware of his own skin. It was tingling, chilled across the surface but hot underneath._

_It was unsettling. He was unsettled._

_And he'd been staring at Jasper for entirely too long._

_At the man's chest, the way his neck arched and his adam's apple bobbed as he drank._

_Jasper set the orange juice down and chuffed, his eyes never leaving Carlisle's. "Perv," he muttered, the word low and his tone scathing._

_Carlisle blinked, feeling both guilty and irritated. He nodded - a short jerk of his head. "Good night, Jasper," he said formally before he turned on his heel and headed back to his room._

The shrill ring of his office phone made Carlisle jump, dropping his pen. He looked around his quickly, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling guilty. His cheeks were hot with embarrassment.

"Hello?" he asked, his voice unsteady as he tried to gain his bearings again.

He was greeted by a mechanical voice asking if he would accept charges for a phone call from none other than Jasper Whitlock. Carlisle felt dread curl in the pit of his stomach.

What had the boy done now?

"Jasper, what's going on?" he demanded.

"Well, I seem to be in a bit of trouble with the law," he drawled in his 'I'm so bored by this' tone. "So if you'll just come on down to the jail, and-"

"What did you do?"

"Hey, Daddy Warbucks, it's not like they give me a lot of time here. Come down here, wave your money around, and I'm sure there'll be plenty of time to talk about why they dragged me off in the first place."

The annoyance in Jasper's tone instantly sparked Carlisle's irritation. He should be begging and groveling, not demanding. "I'm busy, Jasper. I can't just abandon my responsibilities and come running because you've gotten yourself in trouble."

There was a pause, and he heard Jasper scoff.

"Listen, don't be a prick. Or do you think Mom would appreciate you leaving me here to rot? A lot of these guys look like they'd enjoy a game of grab ass."

A different kind of guilt made Carlisle hang his head.

No, no matter what kind of trouble her son was in, Esme would have been there in a heartbeat.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," Carlisle promised, his tone more gentle.

He hung up the phone, vacillating between worry and irritation. Jasper was a pain in the ass, but he'd never been such a delinquent he'd ended up in jail. Yes, there had been a fist fight his Senior year of high school, but other than that, nothing more serious than the usual teenage rebelliousness: sneaking out, staying up too late, underage drinking.

But even as he sat still a moment, gathering his thoughts, Carlisle felt a great deal of annoyance at Jasper's droll tone and sense of entitlement.

It was utterly infuriating how-

Carlisle's pager went off. He was on his feet before he had another thought, already pacing down the hallway even as he looked at the message. His heart twisted when he saw it was a child being brought in. A girl, approximately three years old.

Carlisle hesitated, torn between his own family emergency, and whatever emergency had fallen this little girl. There were other doctors on duty after all, and-

"Dr. Cullen! We need you now!"

His choice made for him, Carlisle ran for the emergency room. The nurse who'd come to retrieve him ran at his side, filling him in.

The child was suffering severe trauma after a car accident that killed the driver of the vehicle. The staff was calling her Baby Jane as they had yet to identify her or the dead driver. She was bad off, crashing quickly. There was a never ending litany of things wrong with the poor girl.

Reaching their destination, Carlisle stopped short, all the breath leaving his body.

Though her face was grotesquely cut up and swollen, Carlisle would know her anywhere. Her normally wavy bronze hair was absolutely matted with dark, thick blood.

"Her name is Samantha Rae Cullen. She's two and a half years old. She has a nut allergy and is also allergic to penicillin." His voice cracked toward the end.

"Dr. Cullen?"

"She's my niece."

He tried to get to her, needing to help her, already calling out orders, but was stopped with Dr. Snow's hand to his chest. "Move!" he commanded, but the other man stood fast.

"You can't, Dr. Cullen. You know you can't."

"She's dying. You have to let me help!"

"Doctor. Carlisle! You have to get out of the way so we can help her, okay?" Dr. Snow held his eyes, not letting Carlisle look away. He took a deep breath, his expression sympathetic. "Maybe you need to find out who was driving the car."

Carlisle's knees buckled, and he went down with an audible cry of despair.

The driver of the car was dead, he remembered.

"Carlisle?" One of the nurses - Nurse Cope - had her arms around his shoulders. "Come on, honey. Let's get you out of here, okay?"

His legs were shaking but he let her pull him up. "My brother..."

"Let's not assume yet," she said gently. "Come on, now. Let me help you call someone. We'll figure this out."

_**~0~** _

The driver of the car was named Jacob Black.

It was a fluke, as far as Carlisle understood.

Samantha had been with her grandfather in Forks for the weekend. Charlie Swan got wrapped up in a project with his best friend, Billy Black. Billy's son, who had to go back to Seattle anyway, offered to drive the little girl home.

God help him, when Carlisle learned it wasn't Edward or Bella driving the car, he'd been giddy with relief.

Of course, that left it to him to call them.

It was the hardest conversation he'd ever had. It was more difficult than he could have imagined, being on this side of the wall rather than behind the scenes, striving to make it better.

He hated being the one to destroy Edward and Bella's world with a few simple sentences. "There's been an accident. It's Samantha." His voice cracked, images of his sweet niece's face - chubby and unmarred - filling his mind. "It's bad. Please hurry."

He'd sobbed into his hands then, knowing just how slim the girl's chances were. Knowing he needed to be strong when his brother and sister-in-law arrived, he let himself have his moment of weakness while they were still en route.

When they arrived, both of them frantic, of course, Carlisle was calm and steady again.

The baby was in surgery. It could be hours before they knew anything. There was a lot of damage.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he murmured to the grieving couple, his hands on their arms. "All we can do right now is wait."

_**~0~** _

It was the small hours of the morning before Samantha was settled in the ICU. She was clinging to life, but only barely. It was macabre, the way she looked. Her head was bandaged, what little skin was showing mottled black and blue. She was hooked to a breathing tube as she couldn't breathe on her own.

And she was comatose.

The swelling in her head was bad. Even if she did survive, it was currently impossible to tell if there would be any lingering damage.

It was just after dawn when Shelly Cope approached him, having just come back on duty. "I'm sorry to disturb you, Dr. Cullen, but your stepson called?"

Growling, Carlisle rubbed the back of his neck.

The woman looked sympathetic. "Murphy sure was right about that law of his, wasn't he?"

Carlisle just chuffed.

"There's nothing more you can do for them at the moment," the woman soothed. "Why don't you take care of your business, get a little sleep, and come back refreshed?"

Looking down the hallway to his niece's room, Carlisle waffled.

Frankly, he didn't give a damn about Jasper and whatever petty nonsense he'd gotten into. He wanted to be here for Edward and Bella. They needed him.

But in reality, they'd barely acknowledged anyone's presence since they'd finally been allowed to see their daughter. They were so focused, they probably wouldn't even notice if he was gone.

And the more he thought about it, the more guilty he became, imagining Esme's worried face in his mind.

He'd been feeling so helpless, completely unable to make his niece better or to comfort her devastated parents, it might do him good to actually accomplish something for someone.

So, for Esme, Carlisle snuck back into the ICU. He found a place on Samantha's arm that wasn't covered with bandages or bruises and did his best to convey his love and support to the unconscious little girl. He kissed Bella's cheek, tasting the salt of her tears, and squeezed Edward's shoulders. Neither responded more than a distracted nod when he told them he would be back as soon as he could. They kept their eyes intent on their little girl, watching each of her measured, mechanized breaths.

It broke his heart.

**_~0~_ **

Jasper had kept up a steady stream of complaints since they'd left the jail.

Carlisle was pissed. He was beyond livid.

He'd tried, initially, to explain where he'd been, but Jasper wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise. It was just as well. It would only serve to stoke his anger when the younger man didn't give a damn about his little niece, which Carlisle was sure would be the case.

So on the drive home, he kept his lips pressed into a thin line, trying not to gnash his teeth and failing.

If he opened his mouth, he wasn't going to stop yelling for a long time.

Actually, he didn't trust himself not to fly entirely off the handle.

It was somewhat ironic given that Jasper had been arrested on charges of aggravated assault, that Carlisle found himself considering the exact same crime.

It was just too much. Jasper bitched about being left in jail, bored out of his mind, on Carlisle's whim. Carlisle would have given anything to be stuck where Jasper was rather than having to sit hour upon hour in the waiting room, helpless as his colleagues tried to stitch Samantha back together again. He'd have given anything not to have been where he was, watching Edward and Bella nearly fall apart with grief and worry.

Now, away from the hospital where he had to keep calm, be strong for his brother and Bella, rage was quickly overtaking Carlisle.

When Samantha was born, Edward had nearly lost them both: his wife and child. They'd all been through so much, and it was happening all over again.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.

His niece who'd overcome the trauma of her birth to be a beautiful, vibrant child was laying slack and unresponsive - a tiny form in a huge ICU bed.

It wasn't fair.

And yet this boy, this man who should have known better, was babbling about what, in reality, was a ridiculously minor inconvenience. He'd been in jail, but not in danger, after all. What he'd done was no one's fault but his own in any case.

"Hey!" Jasper said, shoving Carlisle shoulder hard as they entered the house. "I'm talking at you."

Fury flared, and Carlisle clenched his fists at his side. "Don't touch me," he said evenly. "Don't even speak to me."

Carlisle was running on fumes and anxiety. He could feel a break coming. He hurried into the house. If he could only get to his room-

"No, I want to know what kind of game you thought you were playing," Jasper demanded, grabbing Carlisle's shoulder and yanking him back.

"I don't. Want. To talk. To you," Carlisle seethed. His blood was boiling. He could feel a tempest looming and he was so close to being unable to stop it. His muscles were coiled, tensed to spring.

There was something feral growing in him. Predatory.

"Too fucking bad. This is my house-"

"This is  _my_  house!" Carlisle spat, turning to face the other man.

"This was my mother's house," Jasper snarled. "Fucking her had some consequences, didn't it? Now she's gone and you're stuck with me. You should have thought of that before. After all, you could have gotten your pussy anywhere el-"

All rational thought left Carlisle's mind. He rushed forward, catching Jasper with an arm across his chest as he pushed him back. They were both jolted when he hit the wall, but Carlisle didn't let him up.

Jasper's features were twisted with an angry ferocity. In any other moment, Carlisle might have been afraid, but not now.

No, he wasn't scared at all.

Since he'd learned to let go of his anger, Carlisle had always tried his best to remember he didn't have to be at the top of the food chain - the most fierce being in the room. There was some power to showing vulnerability, to letting others lead.

Not today. Not right now.

Right now, he wanted to crush, he wanted to dominate.

He wanted to wipe that infuriating sneer off Jasper's face.

He wanted to prove to the man once and for all he could be bowed, controlled.

Completely free of thought, Carlisle was working on pure instinct. And while for all the world, he thought he was about to hit Jasper, his fists weren't the only way he could get his point across.

Still, when he looked back at the moment in retrospect, he never understood what he did next.

He kissed Jasper.

Hard.

Dominating.

Unrelenting.

He heard the younger man's cry of surprise as he smashed their lips together, felt how Jasper's tense body went slack, and yet he still didn't stop.

It wasn't just their lips. Carlisle was using his body to hold Jasper pinned and helpless beneath him. Even if the other man was fighting, he wouldn't have let him up.

The message was clear. There was only one alpha male here, and it wasn't Jasper.

It was only when he had no breath left that Carlisle raised his head, breaking the kiss.

Jasper's eyes were wide, startled, the look in them chaotic. He was breathing hard, but so was Carlisle. Neither of them seemed to be able to move.

As seconds crawled by and Carlisle's rationality returned, he became increasingly aware of his position. He was matched pretty evenly in height to Jasper, and so their bodies were lined up, leg to leg, torso to torso. He didn't know how Jasper was breathing at all with his weight on his chest.

Carlisle's hands were in fists in Jasper's shirt.

He took a deep breath. "You listen to me," he said evenly. "The only thing I want to hear out of your mouth is how you intend to pay me back for the bail money and any other fees you incur with this mess you've brought on yourself. Argue with me, give me trouble, and I will leave you to handle this on your own without a shred of regret. Do you understand?"

Still stricken, Jasper jerked his head in a nod.

"Good."

Carlisle let the younger man go with a final push, turning and heading up the stairs. It was probably good he began shaking as hard as he was the instant he'd released Jasper from his grip. He didn't think he'd have been able to bite back the urge to run up the stairs as fast as his legs could carry him, otherwise. Instead, he took calm, measured steps, keeping his hand first on the railing and then on the wall to support himself.

Finally in his room, Carlisle closed the door and leaned back against it. He was suddenly gasping for air, his chest too tight and his thoughts reeling.

What in the ever loving hell had he done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ooooooooooooookay. I'm doing okay. Just a little dizzy. Not so bad. No freaking out. Yet.
> 
> Oh, it's coming. It surely is coming.
> 
> How are you all?
> 
> Many thanks to twitina for beta and barburella for cackling at my pain in the docs.


	3. When It Rains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm gonna go ahead and have my freak out up here since it won't be appropriate by the end of the chapter. But OH MAH GAH, Y'ALL. OH. EM. GEE.
> 
> Look, all I have to say here is if readingmama and barburella ever accuse me of not loving them... No. Just no. Fuck all that noise.
> 
> I mean, I nearly had a heart attack last night, I came in my doc this morning and all barb had to say was "How does someone SOUND pretty?"
> 
> Dub. Tee. Eff.
> 
> Humph.

Given the way he was raised, Carlisle wouldn't normally consider himself a fan of corporal punishment. He knew first hand how quickly tempers could escalate and a firm hand of correction could turn into something much more sinister.

Then again, it wouldn't be the first time Jasper had pressed his buttons, making Carlisle do what he didn't want to do.

Though, if he was being honest, he just didn't think he was going to regret this. Jasper, on the other hand, was a whole other story.

Carlisle felt his smile spread slow across his face, a wickedness suffusing his blood, mixing with lust. His eyes raked over the form of he young man in front of him, lingering, admiring, savoring the sight.

Jasper was nude except for a blindfold tied tight around his eyes. His hands were bound high over his head, his leonine body on display in the center of the room.

Carlisle had to admit, if he were to commission a statue on the perfect male form, it would be the body of the man in front of him. His every muscle was taut and defined, not too broad but obviously strong, fast, hard.

And he was completely at Carlisle's mercy.

For once, the man was quiet. As Carlisle watched, he licked his full lips, obviously nervous.

"Yes, Mr. Whitlock, I'd be nervous too, if I were you," he said into the silence, his voice smooth. There was a lilt to it even he wasn't used to, a cocky edge. "Why are you nervous, Jasper?" He'd stepped close enough to the other man that he could feel his heat, smell the sweat on his skin.

Reaching over, Carlisle selected a strap from a wall covered in various instruments. It was a wicked looking thing - slim. It looked like it could deliver quite a sting. He brought it down hard against the palm of his hand, thrilling at the satisfying thwack it made against his skin. Carlisle grinned. Jasper bit his lip.

Letting it dangle from his hand, Carlisle let the strap land lightly on Jasper's shoulder. The younger man jumped, his body jerking sharply.

Drawing the strap down his bare chest, Carlisle stepped around him, behind him, nuzzling his nose against Jasper's ear. "Have you been bad, Jasper?"

"Please," the younger man begged, his voice a whine at the back of his throat.

"Please what?" Carlisle took a step back. "Please, sir, punish me for being such an insufferable brat?"

"No, I-"

His words cut off with a cry as Carlisle brought the strap down right across his backside. His body jerked, and Carlisle's smile widened as he watched the welt appear, perfectly crimson red against pale white.

What a lovely shade.

He liked it so much he added two more, one above and one below.

"Please," Jasper whimpered.

"Does it hurt?" He caught the younger man where his perfect ass met the backs of his legs.

"Yes. Yes, it hurts. Please."

"That's good." He hit him once more, admiring the way Jasper's back arched.

Carlisle wound Jasper's long hair around his free hand, jerking the man's head back roughly. "You sound so pretty when you beg." His voice was low, gravely.

"Please." Jasper was suddenly compliant. It made for a nice change.

Still, it didn't hurt to be sure. Or rather, it did, but not him.

Stepping back, Carlisle let his rather infuriating stepson have what he so richly deserved: a proper thrashing.

When he stopped, there was no sound in the room beside Jasper's ragged gasps. The well chastised young man hung his head, his shoulder's heaving.

Finally satisfied, Carlisle set the strap down. He stepped behind the other man again, feeling the way his body tensed. He snickered, stroking Jasper's back, feeling the contours of his shoulders, the divot at his lower back, just before he touched the sensitive, heated flesh of his ass.

Jasper gave a strangled little cry as Carlisle caressed the tender flesh, admiring his handy work. "My, my you do mark up so nice." Jasper was still breathing so hard, but he leaned back slightly as if craving more contact. Carlisle chuckled. "Did you like this?" he asked, squeezing the younger man's ass so hard, Jasper hissed.

"No," he said quickly.

"No?"

"No, s-sir."

Carlisle smirked. He couldn't imagine what it took for a brat as proud and arrogant as Jasper was to call him sir.

"Did you deserve it?" he pressed, delivering a sharp slap to his right ass cheek.

"Ah! Y-yes. Yes, sir. I'm sorry."

"You're what?" He slapped the man's left ass cheek just as hard.

"I'm sorry!"

"Good," Carlisle soothed, rubbing his now, nuzzling the side of his head. "Good boy." He found Jasper's earlobe and bit down lightly, his other hand on Jasper's waist, guiding his body backward. Slowly, taking his time, teasing the younger man with his teeth, Carlisle moved the hand on his backside to curve around him, finding his length, cupping him.

"Hmmm," he hummed. Jasper was thick in his hands. "I think you were lying about liking that whipping, weren't you?"

He only moaned, pushing up slightly into Carlisle's hand.

Instantly, Carlisle moved so he was standing directly behind Jasper, his chest pressed against his back, his hands at the younger man's waist. Jasper groaned at the loss of contact.

"You want me to touch you, Jasper?"

"Yes. Please, please, yes." His voice was raw with want.

Carlisle let his fingers brush the tangle of hair above Jasper's cock. "I don't know about that. You're such a dirty little tease when you want to be, aren't you? It's not so nice being teased, is it?"

"Please, I'll do anything."

"Anything?"

"Anything. Please."

Bringing one hand up beneath Jasper's chin, he tilted the young man's head to the side and back, ravaging his mouth with a hard, demanding kiss. "I want you," he whispered into Jasper's panting mouth, "to wrap these pouty lips of yours around my cock."

**~0~**

Carlisle woke with a gasp, his eyes automatically open as wide as saucers. He stared at the ceiling, disconcerted and - Jesus Christ almighty - painfully hard.

Feeling like he was on the verge of hyperventilating, Carlisle sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. With his feet flat on the floor, he leaned down with his head between his knees, trying to catch his breath.

What in the name of all that was holy was  _that_?

His skin tingled with heat, cheeks flushing in what he imagined was a furious blush. Actually, every inch of his flesh felt like it was on fire. Good God, his blood was boiling, and he ached. He absolutely ached with need.

There was no denying how worked up he was. Horny. He was ridiculously horny - more turned on than he could ever remember being.

And he couldn't get images of Jasper out of his head.

He stood quickly, as if he could outrun it, but it was no use. His thoughts were chaotic. He felt like he was about to go out of his mind and out of his skin. He needed release and he needed it quickly.

Without a single thought in his head, Carlisle stumbled for the refuge of his shower. With the hot water thrumming down on his back, he wrapped his hand around his cock, imagining it was Jasper's lips, his hot mouth working over him, imagining Jasper's eyes - coy and tantalizing as he looked up from under thick lashes.

Carlisle came so hard, it left him trembling and exhausted, leaning against the tile wall as his heart rate decreased and his core temperature came down. Slowly, rational thought returned to him along with a healthy serving of confusion and guilt.

With shaking fingers, Carlisle reached out, spinning the water to cold. He stood under the spray for minutes until he shivered. When he stepped out of the shower, he wrapped himself in the comfort of his bathrobe and went to sit again on the edge of his bed.

For long minutes, he breathed in and out, trying to calm his panicky thoughts.

It wasn't as though he had control over his dreams, he reasoned to himself. And really, this one wasn't particularly hard to figure out. He understood, after all, the game his moody housemate was playing.

Control.

Jasper was doing his best to break Carlisle's control, though why, he hadn't quite figured out yet. Either way, it was only reasonable his dreams sought to regain some semblance of what he'd lost the night before.

Carlisle was most definitely out of control in nearly every aspect of his life. He was reeling from Esme's death, utterly unable to figure out why Jasper was acting the way he was, and now with Samantha...

Samantha.

Glancing at the clock, Carlisle noted not much time at all had passed. It had only been four hours since he'd dragged Jasper home and...

Pushed him against the wall and kissed him.

Shaking that thought off, Carlisle forced himself to his feet. He needed to focus on what was truly important here: his niece, and supporting Edward and Bella through this.

Still, even as he got ready, Carlisle couldn't shake the fact he was abashed and disconcerted.

He was ashamed because his niece was fighting for her life as he got his rocks off. He hadn't even meant to fall asleep, but he'd been exhausted - to many heavy hours - and, well...

He supposed he would be lying if he didn't admit to himself his desperation to escape his own thoughts after his actions that morning.

What he couldn't escape was kissing Jasper was definitely a sexual gesture. It was an aggressive gesture, as Carlisle absolutely meant it to be, but it was also a sexually charged gesture. Which would explain the control dream, to a degree.

Maybe.

Carlisle was not he considered a hyper sexual being. Yes, of course he enjoyed sex, but he wasn't into any kind of kink, so the detailed imagery - Jasper bound and dangling, the wall full of various crops, paddles and straps - shook him slightly. Well, more than a little.

The younger man's nude body was burned behind his eyelids.

Impossibly, Carlisle felt his dick stir again and groaned, closing his eyes, willing the image away. It wasn't important. He was just shaken up, that was all. The dream had caught him off guard when he was operating on too little sleep and too much helplessness. Yes, he'd snapped with Jasper, but it wasn't going to happen again.

But then, hadn't he said that last time?

_**~0~** _

"I don't know what to do with either of them."

Caught up in Jasper's drama, Carlisle hadn't noticed if Charlie Swan was there when he left the hospital earlier that morning. He thought it was likely given the hollow look in the man's eye. Either way, now he was stooped with worry, his features etched with anxiety as he paced.

"They won't eat, they haven't slept. They hardly acknowledge anyone," Charlie said, rumpling his hair.

Carlisle put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll talk to them."

The man chuffed. "Yeah, well... Good luck with that." He sighed. "I'm going to go pick up Renee from the airport. Who knows. Maybe she'll have better luck with Bella."

Normally a proud man, Charlie's shoulders were slumped with grief and defeat as he exited the hospital. Carlisle watched him go, his heart aching. As a doctor, it was inevitable that he had to witness so many people at their lowest point, but this was by far the worst: when it was people he loved and cared about that were hurting and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Honestly, his heart felt so heavy it was difficult to move. He'd just left this particular party. It was mere months ago that every trip to the hospital he feared would be the last, when it was just a matter of waiting, knowing news only came in hues of bad or worse.

How he was going to do this again, he couldn't fathom.

Carlisle shook his head hard.

It wasn't the same situation, not the same at all. Esme's chances had been slim to none, and she'd known it for years. The odds were stacked against Samantha, but she was a fighter, and he wasn't going to write her off.

Besides, his brother needed him.

So he squared his shoulders and continued on down the hallway. He paused outside the door to Samantha's room, peering in carefully to take in the scene.

Edward and Bella sat next to each other now. Their heads were bent together, forehead to forehead, and their hands were entwined between them. Edward was murmuring softly in her ear, and it was clear Bella was crying.

"I can't leave her. I just can't." Bella's voice was timorous and heartbroken. The ache in Carlisle's chest deepened just hearing it.

He cleared his throat to alert them to his presence.

Edward turned slightly, and it was all Carlisle could do not to grimace.

His brother looked horrendous. The four and a half hours Carlisle had been gone may as well have been weeks. It had always been Carlisle's instinct to protect this man, his little brother who was eight years younger than him. He chafed that he couldn't shield him from this kind of pain.

"I'll be right back, sweetheart," Edward murmured to Bella, pressing a long kiss against her forehead before he stood.

Out in the hallway, he crossed his arms over his chest, his head bowed as he caught Carlisle up on the latest. The most the doctors could say was that while she was in critical condition, Samantha was stable for the time being. There'd been no change in either direction.

"She's strong," Carlisle said, sure of this fact. His rambunctious niece had a fierce will that rivaled both her parents, and that was saying something.

Edward looked up, his eyes fierce and red-rimmed. "She shouldn't have to be this strong. For Chrissakes, she's just a baby. She shouldn't have to fight this hard."

His voice cracked, and he crumpled. Carlisle was there to catch him. Edward ducked his head, hiding against Carlisle's chest as his shoulders began to shake with quiet sobs.

Too many sad, bad thoughts assaulted Carlisle then. He'd held Edward just like this when he was eleven and his brother was three when their mother died. And then so many times afterward because Edward, being only small, was scared when Daddy was upset. And though they'd grown up, Carlisle had last held his brother exactly like this right after Samantha was born, when both her and Bella's lives hung in the balance.

Then, like now, Edward had run himself to the brink of collapse before he broke down. Then, like now, Carlisle couldn't do anything but stand up straight so his brother could lean on him.

"I'm sorry." Edward voice was raw as he disentangled himself from Carlisle's arms.

"Why are you apologizing?" Carlisle kept his hand on Edward's back, steadying him. "Edward, neither of you has slept." He eyed him. "Have you eaten at all?"

Edward's laugh bordered on maniacal. "Someone brought us toast. I tried a bite. I almost threw up."

"Well, it's good you tried," Carlisle said calmly though it worried him.

"No." Edward shook his head. His eyes were desperate when he looked up. "Carlisle, Bella's pregnant."

For the second time in as many days, Carlisle felt breathless. "What?"

"It wasn't planned." Edward ran a hand through his hair. "We just found out this weekend - that was why Sammy was with Charlie, because we were just trying to deal." He began to pace at a frenetic rate. "It's too much. The stress alone... And I can't get her to rest or eat. I can't... do anything."

Reeling, Carlisle thought again about Murphy's Law. Why did every crises seem to be multiplied by at least ten? What kind of order was that in the universe?

Carlisle took a deep breath, trying not to feel dizzy.

"Okay," he muttered. "Okay," he repeated, louder now, stilling Edward's frantic pacing with hands against his shoulder. "Just breathe, Edward. You being so tired isn't helping. You both need rest. Let me talk to her. Let me see if I can help."

Carlisle took Edward's seat next to Bella and was relieved when the young woman let him take her hand. She was teary and emotional and her worries were not at all uncommon.

"What if she wakes up?" Bella whispered. "What if she wakes up and we're not here?"

"She won't," Carlisle said sadly. "Right now, it's imperative she stay asleep. Her body needs time to mend. Even if she was conscious, she'd have been put in a medically induced coma," he explained as gently as he could.

"But she can hear us, right? She needs to know we're here."

"I think she can hear you, yes. But, Bella, you know how sensitive Sammy is to you. She's always more worried when she knows you're hurting. It's not going to help her to run yourself into the ground, dear."

Bella bowed her head, crying quietly. "I don't want to leave her alone."

"I'll stay, of course. I'll stay with her. I brought our favorite book." He showed her the children's book he'd had tucked under his arm.

He squeezed her hands. "Just take a little break for now, Bella. Go down to the cafeteria. Try to eat something."

She grimaced. "Even the thought makes me..." She shook her head, her eyes straying to her daughter.

"I know, but you need to try. Just a few bites of a banana or maybe some warm oatmeal, hmm?"

Bella's eyes flitted up to his. "Edward told you, didn't he?" she asked in a whisper.

Carlisle nodded. "He did. I'm... I know it can't be easy to deal with right now. I'm sorry. This is so much more than any parent should have to deal with."

She splayed her free hand over her belly, her eyes closing, tears slipping past her eyelids. "I feel like I'm failing them both," she admitted in a tiny voice.

"No. You love them." He squeezed her hand again. "But I really think the best thing you can do for them is take care of yourself."

For long moments, Bella just breathed in and out, tears occasionally coursing down her cheeks. But after a too long minute, she nodded. "Okay," she agreed. Leaning forward, she gave Carlisle a brief, tight hug. "Thank you."

Carlisle didn't say anything but hugged her back. He didn't need or want thanks for this. She was family, and he loved her.

Bella stood, going to Edward where he waited for her in the doorway. Edward pulled her close, tucking her under his arm, kissing the top of her hair and rocking her slightly. Over Bella's head, he gave Carlisle an appreciative smile before they walked away together, both moving as slowly as if they were in their nineties instead of vibrant twenty-somethings.

Alone with his niece, Carlisle tried to beat back the overwhelming blackness that threatened to consume him. Scenarios, each worse than the last, were flashing through his head. How would Edward and Bella possibly deal with this new life if Samantha's life was over?

He shook his head hard, as though he could shake those damning thoughts loose. His mind scrambled, trying to find something else to think about, anything else.

It was really the best of several evils that Carlisle's mind eventually settled on where he'd been too few months before.

His hand dwarfed Samantha's of course. She was so little, frail.

Carlisle remembered how Esme's hand felt in his toward the end, when he sat just like this by her bedside. How could he help but drown in those memories? Her loss was so fresh, and Samantha's struggle for life was only ripping those wounds open even as it created new ones.

Honestly, it felt like he was hemorrhaging.

And wasn't it ironic. Carlisle missed Esme all the more because she was the only one who'd ever realized when it was him who needed to be comforted, him who needed someone to hold him upright if even for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much Booksgalore Bookishqua for stepping in to beta. I truly appreciate it.
> 
> And to all of you for being Carlisle pervs. I suppose I have to appreciate you too.
> 
> I do. I really do.
> 
> Oh so. Cute boy/boy (boy) movie rec. Big Eden is a small time movie that's SO. SO. SO. cute. It's a love triangle type movie, but really it's just adorable. And as an added bonus, you get to see the guy from White Collar (who isn't Matt Bomer) kissing another dude. I squeed!
> 
> Really. Adorable. Watch it if you want to just feel good (and don't be expecting it to be some epic masterpiece like someone else I know (cough, Barburella, cough).


	4. Alpha Male

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: To anyone who's worried (or hopeful, dirty skanks) this will turn into a BDSM story... No. It was just a dream. The boys have a lot of control issues going on.
> 
>   
> [](http://s118.photobucket.com/albums/o82/lyricalkris/Twilight%20Fanfic%20Stuff/?action=view&current=AMBanner.jpg)  
> 

It was late before Carlisle got back home.

He was so bone weary. It felt like he hadn't slept in years instead of days.

It was just that he hadn't stopped running, it seemed. There was the crisis of Samantha's birth, the end stages of Esme's illness, Esme's death, and now this again. Carlisle felt pummelled - his body battered and bruised.

With Charlie and Renee's help, he'd convinced Edward and Bella to go home, get a little sleep, and get cleaned up. They did it on the condition Samantha would never be without someone familiar.

Renee and her husband, Phil, having gotten the most sleep of all of them volunteered to stay the night. Carlisle had followed Edward and Bella home, made them tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, which they hardly touched, and stayed long enough to prepare a breakfast they likely wouldn't eat.

All he really wanted to do was get a little sleep before the cycle began all over again.

The way things were going, he shouldn't have been surprised when Jasper was in his face before the door closed behind him.

"Where the hell have you been?"

Carlisle considered answering, but Jasper didn't seem to really want to know as he was talking again in an instant. "I thought you had today off?"

"You know my schedule?" The oddest things stuck out to Carlisle now.

For an instant, Jasper seemed flustered, his cheeks tinting pink. "What the fuck ever. We need to talk about this whole public defender situation because that shit's not going to fly at all."

Taking a deep breath, Carlisle counted to ten before he moved. Then, squaring his shoulders, he shoved by Jasper, intent on the stairs. "I'm going to bed," he said by way of explanation.

"Hey! No you're not." Jasper grabbed him by the arm, yanking him forward. Stumbling, Carlisle held his hand out to stop his fall. He found his palm flat on Jasper's bare chest.

Of course he'd noticed the other man wasn't wearing a shirt. Like Carlisle, Jasper almost never slept with a shirt. This wasn't new.

Both men froze - Jasper's hand gripped tight around Carlisle's arm, Carlisle's hand on Jasper's chest, their eyes caught in a stare.

Carlisle wasn't sure what he was supposed to be feeling. The stress of the last couple of days had him on edge. His every emotion felt raw, his psyche stripped bare.

There were so many walls he'd carefully cultivated, so much of his past he was trying to outrun, and this ridiculous man brought it all to the surface. It made Carlisle furious because why now? Why, when he had so much else to deal with? He was too taxed to keep his cool.

He wanted...

Images of that morning ran through his head, and he remembered the younger man's body pinned beneath him, remembered the feel of his lips, the taste of him.

Quickly, Carlisle wrested his arm away and took a step back. "I'm going to bed," he repeated, his tone low.

Jasper's lips turned down in a sneer. "Tell me something." He took a step forward, swallowing the space Carlisle tried to put between them. "Are you going to think of me when you touch yourself tonight?"

Caught off guard by the question, Carlisle merely gaped at the other man.

Jasper snickered. "Yeah, I thought so. Fucking pervert." He took another step forward, chest to chest with Carlisle now. "How long have you been having these perverted thoughts of me, hmm?" He leaned in closer, his lips near Carlisle's ear. "Did Mom know?"

Rage boiled hot in Carlisle's veins, and his hand shot out before he knew he'd moved. He grabbed Jasper's hair in his fist and yanked his head back hard enough that the younger man couldn't stifle his cry quick enough.

"I. Am. Going. To. Bed."

This time, Carlisle didn't even recognize his own voice. The man who spoke was dangerous.

He let go of Jasper, using his upper body strength to shove him out of the way as he headed for the stairs.

 

_**~0~** _

Only a very few hours later, Carlisle was awake again. His head was chaotic, rendering him unable to rest. But he was a doctor. He'd known too few hours of sleep and stressful situations before.

He showered and had the presence of mind to shave, noticing vaguely how haggard his reflection looked. A deep ache in his stomach alerted him to the fact that despite his lectures to Edward and Bella that they take care of themselves, he'd neglected his own health. When was the last time he'd eaten?

To that end, he forced down a little toast and fruit before he was out the door, headed for the hospital.

He was relieved to find only Charlie in Samantha's room.

"How are you doing?" he asked the older man kindly, though it was probably a stupid question. Charlie's typically clean shaven - save for the moustache - face had a few days growth of beard.

He huffed. "As can be expected, I guess. Wondering how different this would all be if I'd just taken her myself like I was supposed to." Seeing the look on Carlisle's face, he held up a hand to stop the inevitable solace. "I know. Believe me, I know. It's all random moments in time, and it's no one's fault." His voice was gruff as he spoke, heavy with emotion he wouldn't let himself show. "Doesn't stop me from wishing. My best friend's son is dead, and my granddaughter is dying. What do I have but wishes?"

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Carlisle picked up Samantha's limp arm, carefully running his fingers over her skin, remembering how ticklish she was typically.

What he wouldn't give to hear her giggle again.

"What about you? How are you doing?"

That was a loaded question if ever Carlisle had heard one.

He made small talk, skirting the truth because, for one thing, it was unfair for him to consider laying all his heavy thoughts on Charlie's already overburdened shoulders. For another...

Well.

It took another half an hour for Charlie to concede to Carlisle's suggestion he get some rest.

Then it was just him and Samantha.

As a doctor, Carlisle could examine her charts and see the improvement in her numbers. It gave him some measure of comfort, a silver string of hope. Her skin seemed less gray, but he knew from experience grieving families looked anywhere for assurance. There were no guarantees.

Carlisle found a kind of zen in the steady snap-hiss of the breathing machine and the persistent beeps of the other equipment keeping his niece alive. He zoned out a little, letting his chaotic thoughts coalesce and attack him one by one.

More than anything, he missed Esme, though not for the reasons most would have likely expected.

The nature of her disease had left them stunted in their physical relationship. Yes, they'd had sex - communicated with their bodies their devotion and admiration - but their connection was much more an understanding of each other's souls than an attraction to each other's bodies.

Esme was the only person in Carlisle's life, save perhaps his brother, who accepted and loved him unconditionally for everything he was. She was the only one who'd ever known Carlisle's accidental secret.

Before Esme, he'd all but forgotten his sexuality existed. He worked hard through college and medical school, keeping his nose in his books. Then came the whirlwind of his residency.

That was when he'd met Esme, when she came rushing into the ER after Jasper fell from the bleachers, shattering his leg when he was in high school.

He'd never met another soul so entirely, earnestly sweet. She was concerned for her son but when she asked Carlisle why he looked so tired, it was clear she wasn't asking just to be polite. She really wanted to know.

Esme was also the only person he'd ever told the whole truth about his past to.

It wasn't that he was ashamed. Well, he was ashamed at the person he was when he'd been angry all the time, but that was not the part of his past he'd kept hidden.

What he knew, what he'd come to accept was that his father was an abusive asshole plain and simple. What he'd learned through therapy and years of self reflection was that no matter who he was, what he did, it was likely he never would have been able to please his father.

Still, it had occurred to Carlisle that his psyche was well aware of the straw that broke the camel's back, the one event that had led to the last beating he'd ever taken and the last time he saw his father alive.

Once upon a time, when he was a teenager, Carlisle hadn't been so indifferent to sex. Like most teenagers, it was on his mind constantly.

His senior year of high school, he met a shy, somewhat strange foreign exchange student named Alistair Lewis. He was a jumpy boy with scraggly dark blond hair and always anxious blue eyes.

That was the year Carlisle figured out that gender played no roll in whom he was attracted to. Just as he'd enjoyed the encounters he'd had with the female race, the time he spent with Alistair was nice... really good.

In fact, it was his most significant relationship to that point until his father walked in on them.

Carlisle was no stranger to his father's fury, but that night was far and away the worst.

It was almost dawn the next day before Carlisle stumbled, dazed, bruised and bloodied, to his Uncle Aro's house. The man took him in, cleaned him up, but never told him how wrong his father was.

Esme was the only one who'd ever said those words: that Anthony Cullen was an asshole and Carlisle hadn't done anything wrong.

And though he wasn't ashamed that he was attracted to people without preference of gender, Carlisle had, over time, tucked his natural human lust away with his anger, preferring not to deal with it. It wasn't a conscious decision he made. He simply threw himself into other areas of his life: his job, his brother.

Now, though, how could Carlisle help but acknowledge the stirring in him? Yes, Jasper infuriated and frustrated him, but that didn't account for the overtly sexual nature of their interactions of late.

He wasn't blind. He was well aware of how attractive the younger man was. Living in the same house with him for so many years, it was impossible not to notice.

Jasper had a smile that did things to Carlisle's heart rate. He had a body that seemed made to touch - smooth and hard in the right places. His voice was that scratchy, sexy musical type that seemed like it would be as sensual and seductive as a caress in the right circumstance.

But why now? What had changed, and when did that change start? Jasper had always been mildly infuriating, and they'd never been friends.

Why was everything between them so intense now?

Possibly more importantly, what was he supposed to do about it?

One thing Carlisle knew, he couldn't continue down this road. He was entirely out of control when it came to the younger man. He was going to end up punching him or...

Or...

Or something else. Something he'd regret. Not because Jasper was a man, but because Carlisle felt strangely like his entire world - his entire self - was about to come crashing down around him. Melodramatic as it sounded, that's what it felt like. He'd cultivated an image of himself he actually took pride in, and Jasper was threatening to destroy it.

Whatever was going on between them wasn't pretty. It was bewildering and maddening.

And Jesus Christ, how was he supposed to come to terms with it, get his head back on straight when his every thought should have been centered on Samantha, Edward, and Bella?

Guiltily, Carlisle reached forward with trembling fingers to brush a tiny wisp of limp hair back away from Sammy's face.

Esme would know the right thing to say to make him feel better. She would probably know exactly what to do, as well.

Then again, maybe this was the one situation she wouldn't have been able to advise him on. After all, Jasper was her son.

Carlisle shook his head hard, trying to dispel the tightness in his chest.

One way or another, he promised himself he wasn't going to hurt Esme's son, no matter how much the man-child was pushing him to do so.

**_~0~_ **

Of course, it was always easier said than done when Carlisle was away from Jasper.

Back in the house later that afternoon, Carlisle was determined to get through the afternoon, to do whatever he needed to do to get Jasper off his back for a few days at least.

Ignoring Jasper's snipes, Carlisle sat down with him at the kitchen table. Jasper wanted a real lawyer, not the court appointed public defender.

"Jasper, you have no bills and you've had a job on campus the last few semesters, haven't you?"

"What about it?"

Carlisle counted to ten in his head before he answered. "That's what money is for. If you want to hire an attorney, that's your prerogative. You don't need to wait for me to make an obvious decision."

The other man stared at him as if he had a third eye growing out of his forehead. He scoffed. "I don't have that kind of money."

"What have you been doing with the money you've earned-"

"Like that's any of your g'damn business."

"You're making it my business. You're 21, not 16. Are you telling me you've been working for nearly two years and you have absolutely nothing to show for it?"

This went on for a few more minutes until Carlisle's head ached. "Fine," he said finally. "But you need to take some responsibility for your life. If you think I have some type of intention of floating you along, you are sorely mistaken."

"Get the fuck over yourself," Jasper snapped. "I'm not asking for any more than my mother would have given me. Or have you forgotten about her again? I know it must be easy for you-"

Carlisle brought his hand down flat in the table, the sound so loud Jasper actually jumped.

For a long moment, Carlisle's body was tensed. He'd gone from irritated and annoyed to completely furious in less than a second.

Slowly, he leaned across the table, getting right in Jasper's face. "You have no idea what you're talking about, little boy. You have no idea what your mother was to me. You need to keep your mouth shut until you can act like a respectful human being. You aren't the only one who lost her."

Jasper's eyes were furious, his breath coming so hard his shoulders shook. He looked as dangerous as Carlisle felt, but he didn't pounce.

It took every ounce of the self control Carlisle had left, but when he moved again, he only pushed back from the table, standing up. "Don't think I don't see what this is," he said slowly, trying to find his calm again. "I know you're hurting. I know that's what this is all about. Aggravated assault, Jasper? There are better ways to deal with what you're going through."

The look on Jasper's face twisted into something completely sinister and furious. "You don't know shit about me, asshole." As he spoke, he closed the distance between them, getting up in Carlisle's face, fully intending on being menacing.

"Try it," Carlisle said evenly. His heart was pounding and his fists were clenched. "Just try it, if you think this is the solution to your problems."

Jasper's nostrils were flaring like a bull about to charge, but he didn't move.

"I'm going to my room." Carlisle was amazed his voice was still so steady. His eyes were concentrated on the furious line of Jasper's lips, and he knew what he wanted - what he couldn't let himself take. "When you're ready to act like an adult, let me know."

He turned then and walked away. At least, he tried.

Jasper followed him.

Carlisle spun, putting his hand out, finding Jasper in his immediate bubble space. "Back off." He took a step back.

Jasper took a step forward.

"Back. Off," Carlisle warned again. His voice was a growl.

Jasper's eyes travelled down his body and he scoffed. "You're getting off on this," he accused.

It hadn't escaped Carlisle's notice that he was hard, and it was obvious. Honestly, it was putting a frantic edge to his anger.

Fight or flight. His heart beat an ever increasing tattoo against his ribs, pumping adrenaline through his blood. "Back. Off," he demanded again.

Jasper stepped closer until he was nose to nose with Carlisle. "Fucking make me, pervert."

And Carlisle snapped.

If he was being honest with himself, he'd known he was going to the minute he walked in the door.

Though he prided himself in his control, having succumbed to his instinctive, primitive urges once, tasting what the pure, raw sense of power could feel like, it was difficult not to crave it. Especially now when he was so powerless in every other area of his life.

And here was this infuriating child, this man who should know better, but stretched Carlisle's usually unerring patience taut. He did it with a smirk and a swagger that got under Carlisle's skin, because how could he not understand the order of the world? Why did he think he was special, different?

And why did Carlisle feel the absolute need to physically show him the error of his ways? That he could be bested, and he  _would_  be bested.

When he yanked his arm back, turning to glare, Jasper's eyes were hard and challenging, and Carlisle felt not unlike a lion circling, tensed and ready to defend his territory.

He did pounce, but that oddly heady air that seemed to surround them changed the direction of his attack, used all the same muscles and brute strength for a purpose other than to destroy.

After all, there were many ways to best an opponent.

Flying forward, Carlisle grabbed Jasper's shirt in both his fists, shoving him backward and pinning him hard against the wall. He knew his kiss was rough, hard, dominating... demanding respect and submission - concession of who was the superior in their particular relationship.

Though he gave a strangled moan of surprise muffled between their lips, Jasper wasn't about to make it easy on Carlisle this time. He pushed back, coming up off the wall so they were chest to chest. His mouth, moving with Carlisle's, insisted he would not be bowed or conquered without a fight.

Their bruising kisses only fueled the primal fire inside Carlisle.

He'd long held on to the age old adage that it was not whether one won or lost, but how they played the game. He was competitive but also a good sport, and gracious whether he won or lost.

But by God, he was going to win this particular game.

Snaking his hand up into Jasper's hair, he gripped hard. Hard enough that Jasper broke their kiss with a pained gasp. Still, Carlisle didn't let him go. If anything, the small admission of pain only added fuel to the fire.

He wanted him bowed.

He wanted him conquered.

Carlisle yanked hard, forcing Jasper's head back, and then he sunk his teeth right into the sweet space where his neck met his shoulders. He locked his lips around the flesh and sucked.

Jasper made a whining sound at the back of his throat but didn't try to push him off. His hands were fists in Carlisle's shirt, pulling the fabric against his body as if he was seconds away from ripping it off entirely.

Carlisle had never felt so absolutely feral in his life, tasting the other man's skin, knowing he was marking him.

Slowly, the tension drained from Jasper's body.

He was submitting. He wasn't fighting.

Victory tasted sweet.

But he should have known it wouldn't be that simple.

God only knew what he would have done. He released his grip on Jasper's hair and lifted his head from his neck. His other arm was wrapped around the younger man, hand against his back, holding him pinned against his chest. There was absolutely no rational thought in his mind, just the need to consume and conquer. To mark his territory and prove his dominance once and for all.

Jasper's eyes were on him, intense, with that touch of fear that Carlisle actually wanted to see in that moment in time. But all at once, his expression hardened. He loosed one hand from Carlisle's shirt, travelling quickly down his body between them and cupping Carlisle roughly between his legs.

Carlisle's gasp was ragged.

Jasper squeezed, finding that pressure that was right on the edge of pleasure and pain.

And then it was Carlisle who was being walked backward, Jasper pushing forward even as he tried to shrink away. He ran out of room, his back up against a wall and Jasper was still coming forward.

Nose to nose.

His hand pressed against him.

Carlisle knew he should have stopped him. The words were caught on his tongue. But he didn't speak.

Jasper claimed his lips, kissing him hard, sucking his lower lip into his mouth and biting.

Now it was Carlisle who whimpered.

And groaned into the younger man's mouth as Jasper began to rub him through his pants.

Every forbidden image, from his dominating dream to the little glimpses he'd had of Jasper over the years - his bare chest, his broad smile - assaulted Carlisle at once. He was powerless to fight against the pull, powerless to do anything but return the other man's kisses, bucking his hips against his hand.

He was absolutely wild in this man's presence, furious that Jasper had this power over him. He tried to push Jasper off him at the same time his lips wouldn't let him go. Jasper only pushed back, his mouth demanding, his fingers tightening over Carlisle's length.

Carlisle's guttural scream as he came was muffled against Jasper's mouth.

For a long, pregnant moment, the two men only stared at each other, anger draining from their eyes and their limbs sagging. Blinking, his eyes suddenly as wide as a much younger boy's, Jasper stumbled away from him.

Swallowing hard, Carlisle turned without a word and headed for the sanctuary of his room.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Super thanks to Naeleny for being awesome and betaing this for me. I'm a spoiled brat, no two ways about it. And thanks to Mina Rivera who made me a gorgeous banner for this story and several of my others. They're up on AO3. I love my banners so much.
> 
> So. How we doin' out there, kids?


	5. Everybody Needs Somebody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Dear readers. I apologize that I got so pissed off, I'm posting this without a beta job - so any mistakes are all mine, folks. I apologize for what's about to occur up here. Please feel free to get right into the story - this is not for you. Honestly, I hope the intended recipient has flounced because he/she shouldn't be reading anything seeing as they can't seem to read context clues worth a damn.
> 
> Dear sweet anon:
> 
> I would agree with you if I'd meant the scene in the last chapter to be sexy or pretty. It wasn't. Did you find this in the romance category? No? It's in the drama category ONLY for a reason.
> 
> Give you a hint, sweetie? What's happening between Carlisle and Jasper isn't about the sex at this particular point. I apologize you think all slash should be pretty and sweet. I don't write that way - slash or not. I tend to write more toward real life which can be confusing and ugly. Life can be confusing and ugly, sex is a part of life and a means of communication - even if it's the wrong method. My characters aren't always going to make the good/nice choice. Savvy?
> 
> Yes, even gay men are capable of using sex (or sex acts as they have NOT had sex (yet)) as a catalyst to express the negative emotions they're feeling. Turns out - they're human! I know. Very hard to believe.
> 
> Additionally - no, I don't think BDSM is a good idea in this situation. Hence why I didn't write it into this situation. It was a DREAM. It didn't happen.
> 
> You know what I find vile? Not being man enough to sign a review and engage in a real conversation. It's okay. I cannot reach through the computer screen to throttle you - I promise. Try being an adult next time if you're going to insult someone's work. I put a lot of time, effort, and yeah, a little bit of soul into these stories.

By the time Carlisle showered and changed, shock had given away to remorse. He sat on the edge of his bathtub, his head bowed and his hands in his hair.

He honestly didn't recognize the man he'd been half an hour before.

No, that wasn't true. Of course he recognized that man. Hadn't he spent entirely too many years - most of his twenties - trying to outrun the bastard?

He'd done everything in his power to kill the person he became when he was angry, to smother him for good all to no avail. At some point, he'd had to accept that his upbringing and the man he'd become after all of his father's verbal and physical abuse would always be a part of him. This propensity toward rage and violence, the need to dominate and conquer, was a part of him, and it always would be. Like alcoholism could run in a family - dormant unless it was triggered - the same could be said of this kind of anger.

So Carlisle had worked very hard, made a conscious decision to see the good in people. He made a conscious decision to understand humans were a flawed species inherently and most didn't mean to be cruel. In his thirty-one years of experience with life, Carlisle had found himself in no small number of hard places. He'd hurt people he loved. He'd lashed out at total strangers. He'd had uncharitable thoughts and urges.

Once upon a time, if someone pissed him off, he wouldn't have hesitated to retaliate. He'd made the conscious decision to change his automatic reaction from anger to empathy. It had taken so much work, but he was happier for it. Now, he stopped to consider where the offending person might be in life.

Why, then, had he not given Jasper the same benefit?

Carlisle felt absolutely sickened at himself. Sick and terrified.

The last person he wanted to become was his father.

But he needed to stop thinking about himself. Thinking about himself, feeling sorry for himself because dealing with Jasper wasn't easy, was entirely beside the point. What he needed to do now was take responsibility for his actions.

He wasn't his father, he reminded himself. His father was a coward.

Some indignant side of him roiled, insisting he wasn't the only one at fault. Jasper has plenty to apologize for, so much he  _should_  be sorry for. Carlisle quieted the protesting voice. It was true but again, beside the point. That Jasper was guilty as well, did not absolve Carlisle from taking responsibility.

Blowing out a breath, Carlisle stood and went to face the music. Outside Jasper's door, he paused, took a breath to find his calm center, and knocked.

The younger man opened the door surprisingly quickly. Somehow, Carlisle had expected some snark from him before he'd be granted admittance, so he was leaning with his head almost resting on the door. As a result, he and Jasper were nose to nose again when the door opened. It had the effect of making the atmosphere heated and heavy again, rife with some kind of energy Carlisle couldn't quite put his finger on.

Clearing his throat, he took a small step back so he could better look the other man in the eyes. "I think we need to talk."

Jasper's eyes were piercing, penetrating, and Carlisle felt naked somehow - as if the other man could see his chaotic emotions. He felt vulnerable, exposed, and he knew for a fact Jasper was the type to exploit his weakness.

The younger man's eyes sparked with something dangerous. "You think I have anything to say to you, dick?" He tossed his head just slightly, the movement drawing Carlisle's attention to the angry mark where his neck met his shoulder.

Carlisle winced. Jasper's skin was a shade of deep purple, raised red around the obvious imprint of his bite. Blood welled in some spots where his teeth broke skin. "We really should treat that, just in case."

"Fuck off. You're not going to find an excuse to put your hands on me, fucking pervert."

"That's not..." Briefly, Carlisle closed his eyes, reminding himself he needed to stay calm. "I'm sorry. It shouldn't have happened. None of it should have happened."

Huffing, Jasper tilted his head, his lips turning up in a smirk. "Hey. Before you came in here, I found a song that reminded me of you." Pushing off the jamb he'd been leaning on, Jasper walked into his room, tossing himself down in front of his computer. He clicked the music on and leaned back with his hands casually behind his head, looking pleased with himself as the 'Jizzed in My Pants' song played loudly.

Carlisle clenched his fists at his side, irritation beginning to get the better of him as his cheeks flushed with heat. He breathed in through his nose.

It was as if Jasper knew exactly how to suck every ounce of calm and rationality right out of Carlisle's body.

"Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Truly sorry. What happened... It's not going to happen again." His words were a promise to them both.

Jasper clicked off the music and sat up. "Uh huh, right. Is it just me, or do you put your hands on your patients too before you can help it?"

The implication he would take advantage of his patients wasn't one Carlisle could stomach easily. He had to clench his jaw and lock his body to keep from flying at this infuriating man again. The air between them wasn't just heavy, it was volatile - angry red and loud as a thunderstorm.

It took a few seconds for the tightness in his throat to ease enough that he could speak again, choosing to ignore Jasper's inappropriate comment. "I've been under a lot of stress lately, but I won't offer you excuses. I am sorry."

He dragged in a deep breath and exhaled again. "If you'll do the legwork and find whichever lawyer's best, of course I'll pay."

Jasper's lip twitched as if he had something to say to that but for once he tempered his reaction. He jerked his head in a nod. "Fine. Are we done here?"

It didn't feel comfortable, but what else could Carlisle have said? His acquaintance with Jasper had never been easy, and he couldn't expect to undo whatever this bad blood was between them in an instant.

He wished the inexplicable chaotic atmosphere he felt between them wasn't quite so intense. It was disquieting.

But with nothing left to say and Jasper's body language closed off, Carlisle could only nod back. "Have a good night."

_**~0~** _

Carlisle was back at the hospital before dawn.

In the lobby, he was surprised to find Edward alone, sitting in a chair with his elbows on his knees and his head in is hands, obviously crying. Carlisle's heart leapt up to his throat as he darted to his brother's side, dropping to his knees in front of him, fearing the worst.

"Edward? What's happened?" His words were panicked, his every thought wrapped around his tiny niece. She couldn't be gone, she just couldn't be.

Looking up, Edward shook his head quickly. "No. Nothing's happened. Nothing's changed." His voice was scratchy and pinched, but his words made Carlisle slump with relief.

"Oh, thank God," Carlisle murmured, feeling shaky. He carefully got to his feet and took the seat next to his brother.

Edward wiped at his eyes. "I just needed a moment. I couldn't let Bella see." He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, breathing in and out, in and out. "I need to be stronger for her and for Sammy."

"Showing some emotion doesn't mean you're weak," Carlisle said quietly, squeezing Edward's shoulder.

His brother let out a raw laugh. "No, I suppose not, but it doesn't help."

"Sometimes it does. Maybe it would help to grieve with Bella instead of away from her."

Edward sucked his lower lip between his teeth - a nervous tick that used to be much more prominent when he was a tiny boy. Carlisle wished for the days when he could comfort his little brother by pulling him up into his arms and rocking him. That had worked when Edward was four and terrified of their father's temper.

Then, Carlisle could protect him, at least a little. When their father raised a hand at Edward, Carlisle could - and always did - intervene. The only times Carlisle had retaliated against Anthony was when he threatened Edward.

But this, Carlisle could not shield his brother from.

Edward was quiet for a few minutes, just getting his breathing under control again. "Sometimes I think this happened because I don't deserve her." He huffed. "I don't deserve them. Not Sammy, not Bella, or the new baby."

"What do you mean? What's got you talking like that?"

He hesitated, the look on his face betraying a shame that went down to his bones. When he spoke, his tone had lost any semblance of confidence. It was a little boy voice, broken at that. "When Sammy was born... When it looked like neither of them would live, I made a bargain. If one of them had to die..." He sucked in a sharp breath, his voice wheezing. He looked toward Carlisle, his eyes wide and pleading. "I couldn't live without Bella. I just couldn't."

"Edward..."

But before Carlisle could say anything, Edward continued. "Then, when by some miracle they were both healthy and happy in my arms, I swore I would never take even a single moment for granted. Not one moment." Bitterness and regret leaked into his tone. "But Sammy's been so obstinate lately. I've had so little patience with her. Then we found out about the baby and what's the first thing I do? I shipped her off to Grandpa's because I couldn't deal with her."

"Edward!" Carlisle put both his hands on his brother's shoulders and shook him a bit. "Come on. Breathe. Just breathe for a second."

Hanging his head, Edward just breathed.

"You're only human." He rubbed Edward's back in a slow circle, comforting. "You are not being punished for a stray thought you had at one of the worst moments of your life.

"Not taking someone for granted doesn't mean you don't lose patience with them, that you don't get angry. Children are frustrating." Carlisle huffed a little. "Really,  _people_  are frustrating. It doesn't mean you don't appreciate their presence in your life, that you would trade them in for something different." He ran an affectionate hand through Edward's hair as he had when he was young. "You're a wonderful, loving husband and father, Edward. There's no one in the world who could argue with that."

Edward chuffed but he didn't voice any disagreement.

After a few minutes, he stood. "I have to get back to my family," he murmured. The aura he exuded was much more calm than it had been just a few minutes before.

They walked together a few paces before Edward suddenly stopped. He turned to Carlisle and hugged him, tightly.

"I want you to know, you're ten times the father Anthony ever was, and I'm glad you're here," Edward said sincerely, shocking and touching Carlisle to his core. "I only hope I've half the father you are."

Carlisle didn't know what to say as his brother released him. Before he could formulate his thoughts, Edward's eyes narrowed.

"Carlisle... what happened to your lip?"

Self-conscious, Carlisle touched his tender lip. He'd forgotten about Jasper's bite. He laughed a little to cover up his embarrassment. "I tripped and bit my lip."

"Hmmm," Edward hummed, obviously not believing. Even in the midst of a crisis, the man was too observant. "Nothing else is going on?"

"Nothing you need to be concerned about."

Edward eyed him.

"I'm serious. The only people on my mind are Sammy, you, and Bella."

"My Sammy." Edwards attention was instantly diverted, his voice breaking again.

Hand on his elbow, Carlisle led Edward forward. "Come on. Let's go see your girls."

_**~0~** _

When he'd been at the hospital for over fourteen hours, Carlisle had to face the fact he was almost scared to go home.

Jasper hadn't called to pester him today, which Carlisle wasn't sure was a good sign. There had to be some sort of retaliation coming. He couldn't imagine the younger man was just going to let what had happened between them fade into the past.

Frankly, Carlisle knew there was something going on in his own head, something beyond the obvious. He hoped Jasper wasn't going to try to push it, because Carlisle didn't think he was ready to deal with it yet. Not yet.

Still, he had to go home. Get a little rest. Shave. Maybe eat. If only because it gave Edward and Bella permission to do the same, Carlisle knew he had to take care of himself regardless of what was happening with his niece.

He tried to swallow the trepidation sitting like a rock in his gut. He was so tired - weary to the bone and scared of whatever was going to happen tonight. He was scared of the person Jasper brought out.

Hand on the doorknob, Carlisle closed his eyes.

He would maintain control.

He would not lash out in any manner.

He knew who he was, who he wanted to be.

Taking a deep breath, Carlisle pushed the door open.

To his surprise, his senses were instantly overwhelmed with a delicious odor. It permeated the air - spices, sweet and savory.

If comfort had a smell, this was it.

Wary, Carlisle stepped slowly into the house finding Jasper sitting at the kitchen table. When the younger man saw him he stood up, not looking at Carlisle but shoving his hands deep in his pocket.

"Hey," Jasper said quietly.

Carlisle blinked, confused. Typically Jasper radiated a cocky disposition, but the man in front of him was distinctly nervous, his body language careful. "Hello."

"I, um..." Jasper stumbled, which was also extraordinarily unusual. "I made dinner. I've been keeping it warm because I didn't know when you'd be home, but I think it's all good."

He was babbling.

Carlisle was flabbergasted. "You made dinner?"

Still not looking up, Jasper nodded.

"For me?"

Another nod. "Look. Just sit down. I'll serve you."

Carlisle sat not because he wanted to be served but because he was sure he must have fallen asleep. This had to be a dream. Or an alternate dimension.

But as he watched Jasper put together a plate from the pots on the stove and the trays in the oven, Carlisle became increasingly aware this was reality.

He waited, his body tensed as he wondered what Jasper meant to do. Maybe he was going to take all this hot food and throw it in his face or lap. Maybe it was poisoned... or at least there might be a laxative in it.

His eyes followed Jasper's movements, but never once did the young man look him in the eye.

With the plate of food set in front of him, Carlisle couldn't deny he was utterly ravenous. He couldn't remember when he'd last eaten anything substantial, and this smelled and looked amazing. All of his favorites, he noticed.

How had Jasper known?

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Not that I'm not appreciative, but where is this coming from?" He could hear the incredulity in his own voice.

Jasper's shoulders slumped as he breathed out. "I ran into your nurse friend today. What's her name? Conner?"

"Cope? Shelly Cope?"

"Yeah." Jasper finally looked up, and Carlisle was startled to see his eyes were big and remorseful - full of... compassion? "Why didn't you tell me about your niece?" he asked in a whisper.

Now it was Carlisle who looked away.

"Seriously." Jasper's voice still strangely gentle.

"I didn't figure you'd care." Carlisle's voice was a mumble spoken to the food he had yet to touch.

Silence stretched on between them. Jasper's breath was a little heavier than usual. "Is she going to make it?"

Carlisle's heart twisted, his throat getting tight with emotion. "I don't know," he admitted to someone for the first time. The words were just a whisper - his worst fear.

More silence.

"I don't understand why you didn't tell me." Jasper's voice was still soft, full of regret. "If you'd have told me, I wouldn't have... I'd have..."

Carlisle looked up again finding Jasper's eyes, strangely soft and earnest, on him. "I didn't tell you because it's hard enough having you throw your mother's death in my face. If you'd have treated the news about Samantha with even a little bit of sarcasm, I'd have..."

He let the sentence trail off, shame making his stomach twist.

Carlisle was suddenly absolutely certain that if he ever heard Jasper speak derisively about what his little niece was suffering, he'd have hurt him. Badly.

The silence between them yawned on, awkward and heavy. The tension that existed between them the last few days was still present, but it was different somehow. It had a different flavor.

It was still confusing.

Slowly, Jasper stepped forward, his eyes on Carlisle's. He hesitated but reached out, finding Carlisle's hand and squeezing it tightly. "I'm really sorry. Really. She's a strong kid. If anyone can pull through, it's that little girl."

The knot in his throat got harder to breathe around, and Carlisle swallowed hard. Something in Jasper's eyes seemed to say that if he wanted to break down, if he needed to cry or just needed a fucking hug, now was the time. Jasper would have given him whatever comfort he needed.

"Thank you," Carlisle managed to say, his voice strangled.

After a moment, Jasper dropped his hand and stepped back, running a hand through his hair, looking slightly piqued. "I, um... Just have something to eat, okay?"

"You aren't staying?"

"No. This is for you."

Carlisle's head spun, too many thoughts vying for their say.

"Jasper," Carlisle called when the younger man was almost out of the room.

He stopped and turned slowly. There was an uneasiness about his expression.

"I know we've never been good friends, but if you need to talk about anything, I am here."

Why he chose that moment to say it, Carlisle didn't know. It was something he should have said weeks if not months if not years ago.

Jasper blinked at him slowly, a practiced hardness returning to his features. "I don't need anything," he said flatly.

And then he walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So! Is this the end of the antagony? (Yeah, I'm making up words. Ya wanna fight about it?)
> 
> Seriously, guys. Sorry. I did not edit this chapter at all, so I have no idea if it flows.
> 
> Thank you all for your kind words. Really, folks. Criticism is welcome, but you don't have to be cruel. If you have something to say, there are more constructive ways to word it. I'm always happy to discuss my choices and your concerns. Always. But be an adult about it. Please.


	6. For Every Step Forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the delay, lovelies. Had a few birthdays come up and my gals love them some E/B. I did have the last chapter edited so it's reposted, now beta'ed.

Carlisle closed his eyes, breathing in the steam of the cup of tea cradled in his hands. For those few moments, calm wasn't difficult to find. The morning was peaceful. Quiet.

It had been a trying couple of weeks. He'd stood by his sister-in-law at her best friend's funeral. She'd wanted Edward with her when she said goodbye to Jacob, but not as much as she needed him to stay with Samantha.

He'd gone back to work, juggling his family and Jasper.

Things with Jasper were... strange. It wasn't as bad as it had been by a long shot. The younger man had been on his best behavior, even sympathetic.

Still, there was a chaotic aura around the man. There was a fire in his eyes that made Carlisle think his anger hadn't dissipated but was simmering just under the surface. Waiting for eruption. So many times as Carlisle tried to help him sort out his legal problems, he'd almost lost his temper only to catch himself.

Today, Carlisle was going with him to the courthouse for his hearing. He was nervous, but he was trying to cover it with bravado and sarcasm. He wouldn't let Carlisle offer any measure of comfort.

When he heard Jasper's footfalls on the stairs, Carlisle stood and poured coffee from the pot he'd prepared.

The younger man looked sallow as he stepped into the kitchen. He was dressed nicely, his hair slicked back and tamed for once.

"I didn't think you liked coffee," Jasper muttered, taking the cup Carlisle proffered.

Carlisle tilted his cup revealing the lighter color of his tea."I don't." His tone was vaguely surprised; it wasn't the sort of thing he expected Jasper to notice.

For a heartbeat, the younger man looked so touched. He hid it quickly though, staring down at the mug in his hands.

Carlisle's eyebrows furrowed as he took in the rest of Jasper's appearance. "Where's your tie?"

He grimaced. "Like I'd own a tie."

"You need to look respectable."

"If the judge wants to hang me for not wearing a tie, what am I supposed to do about it?" he snapped, restlessly trying to run his hands through his hair only to figure out too late it was full of product.

"Hold tight," Carlisle said soothingly.

Darting upstairs, he picked out one of his ties and brought it downstairs, handing it to Jasper. The corner of the younger man's lip quirked upward, his expression wry. "I don't have a damn clue how to do this."

Carlisle furrowed his brow. "You had one at your prom, didn't you?"

"Clip on."

Chuckling, Carlisle cautiously stepped forward. He hesitated a moment before he took the tie from Jasper's hands and put it about his neck.

That odd intensity that seemed to exist between them sparked to life. Again, there was a different flavor to it. It wasn't angry as it had once been. If anything, as Carlisle tied and straightened the tie, it was almost tender, caring.

Unlike anything he'd ever felt toward this man before.

Jasper was watching him, his expression a little startled.

Clearing his throat, Carlisle spoke softly. "Try not to worry. Just be contrite, respectful." He lingered for a beat longer than was necessary in the other man's personal space. Jasper didn't step away.

Time paused, and Carlisle found himself distracted by the other man's lips. He swayed, feeling dizzy.

He stepped away, confused, feeling a little high. "Are you ready to go?" His voice was so low, gravely, it was almost unrecognizable.

Jasper's eyes widened in response before he gave his head a little shake, taking a step back. "I, um. Guess I don't have a choice, right?"

Carlisle reached out, meaning to offer the younger man a conciliatory pat, but Jasper backed away, his eyes suddenly wary. "It'll be fine," Carlisle assured, his posture defensive in reaction to Jasper's skittishness.

"Yeah." Jasper chuffed, again trying to run his hands through his hair only to be thwarted. "Well, let's get this over with."

**~0~**

It was afternoon before Carlisle could return to the hospital. He paused in the hallway outside Samantha's room, trying to switch mindsets. As he drove Jasper home and then drove to the hospital, he was going over the hearing in his mind, and how he was going to help Jasper deal with his sentence.

All in all, it could have been worse. Carlisle realized the judge was being lenient, but Jasper was on probation now. There were fines and classes to contend with, and whatever Jasper's probation officer might require of him. But perhaps most stressful of all, Jasper was restricted from leaving the state. Unfortunately, Jasper went to school in Texas.

Carlisle guessed he would have to put up with this odd energy between them for the long term.

But he couldn't think about that. Now was the time to switch gears to deal with whatever Edward and Bella might need.

His sister-in-law was alone in Samantha's room. She was singing quietly to the little girl, smoothing back her hair.

Samantha looked a little less frightening now. Her most vivid bruises were faded to that sickly greenish yellow and most of the bandages around her head had been removed. There was an ugly, jagged, frightening cut on the side of her head, but it wasn't as gruesome as it could have been.

"Hey, Carlisle," Bella greeted him with a small smile, moving to kiss his cheek as he came in the room.

"How are you, sweetheart?" he hugged her tightly for a moment before holding her at arm's length. "You're looking a little pale."

"Hard to eat," she said, sounding as tired as she looked. "I forget and when I remember, it just comes back up again." They'd had this discussion just the day before. Her obstetrician had assured her everything with the pregnancy was normal. Combined with her anxiety, morning sickness was giving her a hard time this time around.

"It'll pass." He rubbed her shoulder.

Bella's eyes drifted to her little girl. "Will it?" she asked in a small voice.

"She's improving," Carlisle said by rote. This had been their mantra for some time now.

For a long moment, Bella said nothing. Then she nodded. "I'm just glad they were able to extubate her without a trach." She shuddered, tracing her fingers over the little girl's cheeks, over the unblemished skin of her neck.

"It's a good sign, you know. That she's breathing on her own?" Bella's voice was far from confident, the statement coming out sounding more like a question.

"I'll take small miracles where I can get them, given the circumstances." He took his niece's free hand. "Where's Edward?"

"Um..." Bella blinked. She and Edward both had trouble stringing thoughts together occasionally. "He had to go into work for a couple hours. They've been trying not to bug him, but he's more indispensable than anyone realized, I guess."

"They're not taking him for long, are they?"

"No."

They sat in companionable silence for a few more minutes before Carlisle really took in what Bella was wearing. "Bella... is that a painting smock?"

At first, Bella looked confused. Then she looked down at herself. She didn't seem remotely embarrassed, just tired and resigned. "I don't remember the last time either of us did laundry." She gave him a weak smile. "I might have to resort to wearing the naughty lingerie soon."

There was the slightest hint of life to her tone, and Carlisle had to smile.

As he'd said, he would take his small miracles where he could get them as well.

_**~0~** _

Some days later, Carlisle got home in the early evening. He took his time, sorting through days of ignored mail rather than head upstairs to have the conversation he'd been rehearsing in his head all day.

He lingered out in the hallway.

For such an innocuous request, Carlisle was unreasonably nervous. People had dinner together all the time, especially when there were things to be discussed.

Completely reasonable things.

"This is ridiculous," Carlisle muttered to himself. Why was he so tense?

Well, it was obvious.

After all, just because Jasper had been more restrained and sympathetic toward Carlisle since he found out about Samantha, didn't mean he was a different person. Carlisle had seen the flashes of irritation. He wanted to snap. He would.

He would probably have a few choice words about this one.

Carlisle was stopped mid-pace when Jasper's door opened. The younger man paused in the doorway, obviously surprised to see him standing there.

"Uh, hey." Jasper looked confused. "Why are you hovering outside my door?"

Carlisle was embarrassed. "I didn't know if you were awake."

Jasper raised an eyebrow. "It's like... eight o clock."

"Right. Of course." Uncomfortable silence. "Have you eaten?"

"No."

"Would you like to? With me, I mean." Why on Earth was his heart pounding so damn hard?

Jasper's eyes widened a little before he calmed and nodded. "Okay. Sure."

And why did Jasper's easy yes make Carlisle happy?

**~0~**

Jasper seemed jumpy. On the drive over, he cleared his throat several times and shifted restlessly in his seat.

His nervousness was making Carlisle a little anxious.

Outside the restaurant, Carlise was concerned when he realized Jasper's face was flushed. "Are you feeling okay?" Before he realized what he was doing, Carlisle put the back of his hand against the other man's forehead.

Jasper jumped away as if he'd been burned.

"Sorry," Carlisle said quickly, his hand still frozen in midair. "You look a little feverish, that's all."

"I'm fine." He shoved his hands deep in his pockets looking strangely self-conscious.

Carlisle watched as Jasper disappeared inside the restaurant, wondering briefly why his interactions with the young man all seemed to carry such weight. It was unreasonable.

Rubbing the back of his neck, feeling tired, Carlisle followed the younger man inside.

They made small talk, Carlisle asking about Jasper's day and Jasper asking after Edward's family. Carlisle was glad he seemed to be genuinely concerned about Samantha. It might make his suggestion a little easier.

As they were being led through the bar area of the restaurant to get to their table, someone called out to him.

"Dr. Cullen?"

He turned to find a man around Jasper's age cutting through the milling patrons to get to him. "Hey. I'm sorry to bother you, but you are Dr. Cullen, right?"

"Yes," Carlisle confirmed, his eyebrows furrowed. The man looked vaguely familiar.

"Riley Biers," he identified, tapping his chest. "You took care of my mother not that long ago when she was in an accident at work.

"Yes. Helen, right? How is she doing?" Carlisle asked kindly.

"Much better. Much. Listen, I know I was a basket case, and I remember I wasn't very nice to you. So I wanted to apologize." The young man looked contrite. "You took great care of her, and I want you to know how much I appreciate-"

His eyes went wide, his speech cutting off suddenly. Carlisle was confused until he felt a strong arm wrap around his waist. He turned, but before he could process what was going on, someone was kissing him.

 _Jasper_ was kissing him.

Carlisle was too surprised to push him away.

Only when they were both breathless did Jasper release him from his liplock, leaving Carlisle flabbergasted, blinking in shock. The younger man grinned - that smile of his that was all sex and mischief. Carlisle's throat went instantly dry.

"Sorry about that, Biers," Jasper said, turning to the other man who looked about as shocked as Carlisle felt. "This man of mine saving lives, helping people... it just gets me kind of hot." He brought his free hand to rest possessively on Carlisle's chest.

Riley narrowed his eyes, suddenly glowering. "Get the fuck out of my face, Whitlock. You know I don't want you near me."

Jasper only snickered, stepping forward into Riley's personal space.

"I'm warning you. Get the fuck away from me, fa-" Riley cut himself off, glancing around the bar even as he glared at Jasper.

"Say it, asshole. I dare you to say it again." Jasper's voice was a growl, his chest puffed up as stepped once again closer to Riley.

That was enough to snap Carlisle out of his stupor. A glance to the right showed their hostess talking frantically to a manager type. Fury clicked on in an instant - a full blown inferno when he realize what Jasper had done, what he was trying to do.

Wrapping his hand around the other man's arm, Carlisle yanked him away from Riley so hard, Jasper stumbled. "What the fuck," Jasper protested, trying to struggle. Carlisle readjusted his grip, hauling him out of the bar with one hand on his arm, the other hanging onto the back of his shirt as the younger man tried to twist out of his grip.

"Get off me," Jasper rumbled, his voice and expression dangerous as he pushed Carlisle away roughly.

Carlisle only came at him again. In his anger, he was easily able to overpower Jasper, shoving him away from the onlookers and into the darkness of the alley beside the restaurant.

"Are you insane?" he finally asked, shaking him a little. "Have you lost your mind?"

"Get. Off." Jasper pushed him backward. Hard. Still, Carlisle only came forward again, forcing the other man to take a step back so he was up against the wall.

"What did you think you were doing? What made you think you had the right to do that? In front of that many people no less?"

"Oh, of course. Isn't this the pot calling the kettle black." Jasper's voice was dripping with sarcasm, so bitter. If Carlisle wasn't so pissed off, his heart would have ached. "It's okay for you but not for me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You think you can stick your tongue down my throat whenever you fucking feel like it but you have a right to get pissed off when I do it?" He pushed up off the wall, shoving Carlisle backward, his features twisted in fury. "Fuck you, asshole."

He tried to walk away, but Carlisle grabbed his arm, twisting him back. He hadn't had enough time to process everything that had happened yet. Jasper thought he was talking about the kiss, and now that he'd brought it up, Carlisle couldn't not think about it. His temper flared, mixing with a fear that had been an unfortunate part of his psyche since he was a teenager.

Jasper had kissed him. In front of a whole restaurant full of people including one young man who knew him.

The urge to pummel the younger man then was strong. Terrifying. Carlisle only barely caught hold of his control before he put his fist right through Jasper's ugly sneer.

He swallowed once, twice, trying to force down the lump in his throat, trying to tame his fury before he did something he would regret. "Get in the car. Now."

"You think I'm going anywhere with you, pervert?"

Carlisle only tightened his grip on the other man's arm. He held him tight enough that Jasper actually winced. "I'm not playing this game with you. Get. In. The car."

"What, you think you get to play daddy now?"

"You're not a child!" Carlisle bellowed, completely infuriated. "I have no idea why you insist on acting like one. Get in the car right now or you can find another place to live, do you understand?"

Jasper looked stricken before a split second before he was livid. He rushed forward, looking like he was ready for blood.

It came back to Carlisle quickly - the adrenaline, the thrill of the fight. He knew he would hate himself the second this was over, when he was sore and someone else was bleeding. It didn't stop him. Back when he carried his rage in his fists, waiting to be let loose, he lived for his next hit. It was exactly that - like a high he was helpless but to crave.

He was better than this, more evolved.

But when Jasper's fist connected with his cheek, Carlisle saw red and animal instinct took over. His hands became fists. Wasn't his body built exactly for this? For the fight?

Fight he did.

There was no rationality in his world for minutes before he heard a furious voice ring out. "I'm calling the police."

The words had the effect of a car screeching to a halt, burning rubber on the asphalt. Carlisle untangled himself from Jasper, climbing to his feet and pulling the young man up with him.

"That isn't necessary. We were just leaving."

The man - he looked like he might have been the manager - seemed unconvinced. "Yeah, it sure looked like it. Get the fuck off my property, huh?"

Carlisle nodded, his expression tight, and gripped Jasper around the arm, leading him in the direction of the parking lot. He fervently hoped Jasper had the good sense not to resist him this time. His own shame and embarrassment was secondary to the need to get him out of there before the police could show up.

Once they were out of range of the restaurant, Carlisle could breathe easier.

Of course, the full extent of what had just happened hit him full force then.

Jasper had kissed him in front of a restaurant full of people, at least one of which knew him.

Carlisle's fingers tightened reflexively around the steering wheel, an odd anxiety clutching at his chest.

It was embarrassing but nothing to panic over, after all. It pissed him off, and he had to bite his tongue to keep from snapping, asking him what the hell he was thinking. Then again, his snapping was exactly what had started this particular fight.

Though, the first time, he hadn't been so concerned with the fact Jasper had kissed him, he was more infuriated at how irresponsible it was for him to pick a fight in a crowded bar.

He picked a fight.

Now that he was quite a bit calmer, Carlisle turned the conversation over in his head. Jasper obviously knew Riley, had been goading him.

Well, he supposed he shouldn't be surprised. Jasper enjoyed pushing his buttons, but he couldn't have been the young man's only conquest.

Unless Carlisle was mistaken, Riley was about to snarl a very ugly slur.

 _Say it again_ , Jasper had said.

He cast a glance to the side, noting Jasper's tense posture.

Taking a deep breath, Carlisle pushed his remaining irritation down.

They walked into the house, the silence between them strained.

Carlisle didn't know how to talk to him. His patients had always told him he was a good listener, but Jasper had never listened before and lately... Well, lately when they spoke, tornado clouds gathered.

Still, Jasper was obviously in a bad place, and he was alone in the world.

Before Jasper could head upstairs, Carlisle stopped him with a hand on his arm. Jasper turned, his body tense, ready to fight again.

"Talk to me before you end up in jail again."

Jasper chuffed. "I'm fine."

"You were instigating that man," Carlisle said steadily. "Why?"

For a split second, the cocky mask Jasper wore seemed to waver, some kind of conflict passing over his expression. But just as quickly his attitude shifted. He tilted his head down, his grin half-cocked - dangerous. "You ever consider maybe I was telling the truth?" He purposefully looked down, his eyes roaming over Carlisle's chest.

Carlisle's heart was suddenly pounding very hard, his mouth dry as the desert.

Jasper smirked. "Maybe thinking about you saving lives got me kind of hot."

A wave of dizziness made Carlisle sway and for just a second, he thought maybe Jasper was telling the truth.

Then the younger man snickered. "You wish, pervert," he muttered under his breath.

Carlisle flinched, the flame of anger again flickering in the pit of his belly. Reminding himself the man's bravado was just that, he tried again. "Jasper, if you get into another fight you will serve jail time. There won't be anything I can do about it."

"Look, I get it, all right?" Jasper ran a hand through his hair, looking both aggravated and a little nervous. "Obviously, Biers and I have some history. He's a bigoted prick, and I couldn't fucking help it."

"You need to start helping it. If you don't-"

"I said I get it."

Carlisle stared at the young man and sighed, nodding. "Well, come sit down. I still have something to discuss with you." He grimaced. "And you should put ice on your cheek."

The anger in Jasper's body language, in his eyes seemed to dwindle a bit. "Yeah. Your lip is bleeding you know."

Darting his tongue out, Carlisle chuckled wryly. "Yeah. I know." He dabbed his fingers against his lip, wincing.

As guilty as Carlisle felt for punching the other man, there seemed to be an unspoken truce between them for the time being. Carlisle retrieved a bag of frozen green beans from the freezer. Jasper wet a dish towel. They sat at the table and swapped, tending to their injuries and flexing sore hands.

"I have a proposition for you," Carlisle began, very nervous about presenting this idea to Jasper though he knew he was doing him a favor in offering. "You need a job. My brother and Bella - well, they need help."

Jasper's expression grew somber and he leaned across the table. "What are you suggesting?"

"Whatever they need, really. I know their laundry needs to get done. I'm sure their place couldn't possibly be in order. They haven't eaten anything decent in... Well, since the accident." Carlisle fought back his grimace to offer Jasper a tentative smile. "And I know you can cook."

Jasper's lip quirked up the slightest bit and he nodded. "Cooking, cleaning, and miscellaneous," he said slowly. "And they'll pay me for this?"

"Well, I will," Carlisle admitted.

The other man didn't seem very pleased at that answer.

"You need to get the hours somewhere, and they do need the help."

Not looking up, Jasper nodded. "Okay. Fine."

Carlisle blinked, somewhat astounded that had gone well. "Okay then."

After a handful of tense moments, Carlisle stood, not knowing what else to do.

He only made it a few steps away before Jasper called his name. He paused and turned slowly only to find the younger man staring at the table.

"Thanks," Jasper said finally. Carlisle could tell the word was difficult for him to get out.

So he only nodded, wondering why his throat was so tight. "Of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to Naeleny and barburella. And thank you to all of you for your kind words.
> 
> So! One step forward for every three steps back for these boys, eh?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *bounce* There's something I like about this chapter. I will tell you what it is at the bottom. *giggles*.

"Okay, seriously, what the hell have you been doing?"

Carlisle regarded his brother warily, feeling self-conscious. "What are you talking about?" he asked though he knew damn well what Edward was referring to.

"This is the second time you've showed up with a lip wound." Edward frowned, looking confused. "Have you been fighting?"

"You really shouldn't be concerned with-"

"My daughter's sick, that doesn't mean I can't care about my brother. What's going on, Carlisle?" Edward folded his arms, his expression stern.

Carlisle laughed wryly at the look on the other man's face. "Well, they have rules at the new club I joined."

He saw Edward's cheek twitch as he fought a smile. "Is the first rule that you can't talk about it?"

"Exactly." Carlisle nodded solemnly. "So-"

"So we're not changing the subject. What happened to your face?" Edward's too sharp eyes zeroed in on Carlisle's arm. He grabbed his brother by the wrist, pulling his shirt sleeve up to reveal another bruise. "You  _have_ been in a fight."

"It's a long story, and you really don't have to worry about it." Carlisle ran his hands through his hair, abashed. "Anyway. I need to talk to you about something important. Who's with Sammy right now?"

"Bella's in there with Renee and Phil. I just stepped out because I knew you were on lunch."

"How about we get something to eat then?"

Edward nodded, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Fine, but you're going to have to tell me eventually."

When they were settled across from each other, Carlisle cleared his throat, nervous about what he had to say. He told Edward about his plan with Jasper, letting the man help out around the house.

His little brother studied him with a suspicious eye. "Is he in trouble with the law or something? I can't think of any other reason he'd need to put in hours like that."

Carlisle's lips turned down at the corners. For a brief moment, he considered lying and telling Edward he needed community service hours as part of a class. But Edward was smarter than that, and Carlisle wasn't going to start being dishonest now.

"He's on parole," he admitted. "But that's beside the point. You do need help, Edward. It would be that much less for you to worry about. Look at the pants you're wearing! They're so worn. I know you haven't done any laundry in ages."

"What's he on parole for?" Edward asked pointedly, ignoring everything else Carlisle said.

The elder Cullen brother grimaced. "Aggravated assault, but-"

Edward's eyebrows shot skyward. "He's the one you fought with?" he guessed, his intuition once again revealing more than Carlisle wanted to show.

"He wasn't convicted for hitting me," the elder brother evaded.

"That's not what I asked!"

"Keep your voice down." Carlisle held his hands up, looking around. The last thing he needed was any of his coworkers overhearing his private business. "It's not what you think. Yes, he was the one I fought with, but it wasn't unprovoked."

"Are you trying to excuse him, because there's no excuse for-"

"I'm not trying to excuse him anymore than I'm trying to excuse myself. He wasn't the only one throwing punches last night."

The astounded look on Edward's face had Carlisle feeling lower than dirt. He looked down, suddenly completely disinterested in his sandwich and entirely unable to bring himself to look at his brother.

Edward's breath was shaky. "Okay. I'm obviously missing something here. What's going on that you aren't telling me?"

"There's nothing to say."

"Fuck that, there's nothing to say. I'd believe you're a compulsive liar before I believe you're going around beating up your dead wife's son," Edward snapped.

Carlisle flinched. It sounded a million times worse when he said it like that.

"How did this start? And was it him who bloodied up your lip before? And you're fucking serious? You want me to let a man like him in my house with my family when he-"

"He's no danger to you," Carlisle interjected quickly, looking up again. "Do you really think I'd even suggest it if I thought he was that volatile?" He debated for a moment before he decided pleading Jasper's case was better than respecting his privacy in this particular instance.

He told Edward what he knew of how Jasper got in trouble. The whole mess had started because Jasper spent the night with a man named Diego Rivera. Diego, it turned out, wasn't so much out of the closet - though whether or not Jasper knew that ahead of time, Carlisle hadn't asked. Either way, when Diego's friend stopped by unexpectedly that morning, things got ugly fairly fast.

The next part was a little confusing. In order to save face in front of his friend, Diego made it seem like Jasper was stalking him, like he was a pervert. Being harassed by both the men, Jasper had lashed out, choosing to attack Diego for his vicious, cruel words.

"Last night, we happened to run into the son of one my patients - Riley Biers. I haven't had a chance to ask Jasper, but from the context of the... conversation last night, I'm quite sure Riley was the friend who came over. I dragged him out of there before he could get in more trouble. He was still hot around the collar. I was... aggravated that he would put himself in that position. Things just escalated between us." There were holes in his story, and Carlisle knew it. He just had to hope Edward wouldn't call him on it. "We both made a mistake last night."

Edward studied him, an unhappy look on his face. "I still can't imagine you fighting."

Carlisle huffed. "Edward, you used to see me come home with blood knuckles all the time."

"When you were a teenager. It doesn't take a psychologist to figure it out. Dad beat the shit out of you, you returned the favor to some snotty asshole. It's called displacement. I'm not making excuses for you, but there was a reason behind it, and you've put that reason behind you. So are you going to tell me what's going on with you now?"

Again, Carlisle found his sandwich suddenly fascinating.

"There's more to it." Edward wasn't asking. Carlisle's chest was beginning to feel tight. "Is it... I mean, I know he's been attracted to you forever."

Carlisle's head snapped up. "What?"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "What, you don't know?" He laughed. "Well, I always wondered. Bella and I used to talk about how you and Esme dealt with it, especially when he was still a kid under your roof."

"I really don't know what you're talking about." His voice was thin, his thoughts spinning out of control with disbelief. He understood the words his brother was speaking, but they made no rational sense. Carlisle couldn't get them to align with reality.

"Carlisle..." Edward leaned across the table. "Your stepson has always had the hots for you. I knew that the second we were introduced."

_**~0~** _

Another week passed.

Samantha's condition persisted though she was physically getting better. Her broken bones had mended. Her lungs continued to operate on their own. The swelling around her brain had subsided.

Still, she slept on.

Renee and Phil went back to Florida. Charlie went back to spending most of the week in Forks. That was difficult for Edward and Bella - an acknowledgment that life had to continue despite their baby's lack of participation.

But, as Carlisle watched, Jasper became a bright spot in their lives. More than just tending to the issues they couldn't be bothered with - laundry, meals, and upkeep of their house - Jasper went above and beyond the call of duty. He would drive across town to satisfy one of Bella's very occasional cravings. He ferried paperwork between Edward and his work so Edward wouldn't have to go himself. Once, Carlisle had even walked into Samantha's room to find Jasper and Bella sitting together - the young man holding her hand as she spoke softly of her fears and he comforted her.

It shouldn't have been such a surprise. Jasper could be such a soothing presence when he wanted to be. Never with Carlisle, but he'd seen it from a distance - when Jasper didn't know he was watching and he was with Esme or when one of his friends stopped by with a problem.

Actually, if Carlisle recalled, Jasper had a steady stream of friends going in and out of the house when he was in high school. Usually, they came to him if they were having some sort of meltdown. Girls and boys alike had cried in his arms.

He was a conundrum, that man.

Carlisle found himself completely unable to deal with Edward's assertion that Jasper had been attracted to him for years. It was just one more confusing factoid in an absolutely bewildering situation.

Over and over, his thoughts kept returning to the conversation he'd overheard near the beginning of the summer, after he'd lost control the first time and pinned Jasper against the wall.

_"He's hot, too, and Jesus Christ... when he's all turned on... fuck."_

Then, Carlisle had dismissed the words as flippant.

Without a doubt, Jasper had been deliberately trying to get under Carlisle's skin all summer, but he'd always been antagonistic toward Carlisle. How could that anger be associated with attraction? Surely his little brother was delusional.

But Edward had always been excellent at reading people and situations. His intuition was a boon to Carlisle sometimes, but often enough his brother saw things Carlisle would rather keep hidden.

Now that he had opened the door, Carlisle couldn't help but take a long hard look at himself and the progressively more aggressive actions he'd taken against Jasper.

Equating attraction with anger, Carlisle had to examine his actions in a new light - one he wasn't even remotely comfortable with.

For most of his adult life, after his last altercation with his father, Carlisle had simply ignored his sexuality. He looked at neither women nor men lasciviously, never joining in when his friends or colleagues engaged in that type of behavior. He'd always felt disconnected - different because he didn't want to give in to his natural urge to hunt.

Esme, among other things, had taught him it was okay, normal, to acknowledge his sexuality. At least, it was okay to acknowledge he could be sexually attracted.

Of course, he'd married her soon after they met, and she'd only died some months ago. Attraction to anyone but her hadn't entered into his conscious vocabulary.

Yet, how could Carlisle deny the sexual overtones to his interactions with Jasper of late? Years of therapy had taught him when stress was at a high and emotions were all over the place, it was all too easy to act with emotions that weren't being consciously acknowledged, especially in the heat of the moment. When he was younger, it was his own helplessness, his powerlessness he acted on. Consciously, he would tell himself the other boy he got into a fight with had it coming, that he had been instigating. In hindsight, Carlisle acknowledged he was only looking for some semblance of control.

Was there any credence to the possibility Carlisle was acting on some long repressed attraction to Jasper? Yes, he was frustrated with the other man's antics, especially in the light of Esme's recent death. He was reeling with helplessness over his niece. And yes, Jasper knew how to push every last button he had. And yet, aside from their altercation outside the restaurant, Carlisle's response every time he snapped was to...

Kiss.

They were ugly kisses, tainted with anger and a struggle for dominance, control. They'd touched each other in anger, made something vile out of actions that were supposed to be nice, good... even loving.

Which really begged the question: subconsciously, was Carlisle acting on his desire for Jasper?

The thought made his mouth dry, made his head spin.

Because it wasn't something his conscious mind could dismiss as ludicrous.

About five years ago, when they met, Esme had pointed out that Carlisle had been shoving down his more base instincts for so long, he didn't even know how to identify them.

Good God.

How long had he been attracted to his wife's son?

And was it true what Edward said? Was Jasper attracted to him?

What the hell was he supposed to do?

That week, Carlisle was hyper aware of the other man's presence and jumpy besides.

Jasper had calmed down considerably, even his reticent anger abating. It did him good to do a good thing for Edward and Bella, it seemed.

Still, Carlisle felt like a bumbling fool around the younger man. When they had to be in the same room for any amount of time, he no longer knew what to say, how to act, where to look. Just that morning, when Jasper walked into the kitchen, Carlisle dropped his bowl of cereal when the other man said, "Hey," in his scratchy morning voice.

Jasper helped him clean up the mess while Carlisle babbled nervously about his clumsiness.

"Aren't you a surgeon?" Jasper had teased, looking amused.

Struck by the younger man's nearness, Carlisle had stared a beat too long, until Jasper's smile faded and his eyes flicked down to his lips.

Carlisle shook his head and the memory away as he approached his niece's room.

"Hey, Carlisle," Bella greeted, and Edward smiled.

He nodded, though he was a little distracted by the man who sat on the other side of Bella.

"Hi, Carlisle," Jasper said with a small, almost shy smile. "I got you some tea."

"Thank you." Carlisle was hyper aware of how their fingertips touched as Jasper passed the cup.

Jasper cleared his throat. "Well, I got this mail to drop off for you." He nodded at Edward. "I'll be back shortly."

When Jasper was gone, Carlisle relaxed considerably. He eased into conversation with his brother and sister naturally.

Of course, the conversation did return to Jasper.

"It's a relief to have him around, really," Edward admitted. "Much better than hospital food. Bella actually gained a pound for once."

"I'm glad he's being cooperative."

Bella cocked her head, regarding him seriously. "He's not going to mess this up. Even if he had the urge, he's well aware of what you did for him."

She got a sympathetic look. "Poor guy needed a break. I can't imagine what it's like being orphaned."

"Orphaned?" Edward and Carlisle said at the same time.

"Well, I know his father is alive, but that's almost worse. He must feel so abandoned."

Before Carlisle could process that thought, Edward, who had been naturally glancing at Samantha every so often even when in the midst of conversation, gasped.

"Sammy?" His voice was raw. "Baby?" He sobbed, touching the child's cheek with shaking fingers.

Carlisle sucked in a breath, for a moment not daring to hope.

"Oh, my God. My baby," Bella cried, leaning over the rail of the bed in an instant, grasping Samantha's hand.

Sure enough, Samantha was blinking, beginning to whimper.

Carlisle tried to get a look a her, to read the information coming from the monitors, but the room was suddenly filled with people. He was pushed out the door - not the baby's doctor and not her parent. He watched with awe from the hallway, his heart both twisting and expanding when Samantha began to cry with big, confused sobs.

"What happened?!" a familiar, frantic voice came from Carlisle's side. "Is the baby okay?"

Carlisle turned, his eyes welling with tears. "She's awake."

He didn't know, in retrospect, who grabbed who. All he knew is somehow, as they watched the goings on in the ICU room, he ended up holding Jasper's hand like a lifeline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: SO! I mean, I can guess this might have been a little disappointing to some of you, but there was NO KISSING AT ALL in this chapter. Or touching. WEEEEEEE
> 
> Course, Carlisle did have to think about sex... WHICH IS SOMETHING I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE DOES (even though I wrote it - shaddup)
> 
> *shakes head vigorously*
> 
> Anyway. Thank you to naeleny for beta and barburella for being a smart ass.
> 
> And thanks to all of you (well, most of you *wink*) for your feedback. All joking aside, this is a very... interesting story to write, so I appreciate your kind words.
> 
> How we doing? What are we thinking about Carlisle's... thinking?


	8. Wake Me Up When September Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh, my literal darlings. I know they touched in the chapter - brushed fingers and held hands. I meant BAD touch. You know... *whispers* Sexual touch. *shudders* None of that last chap.
> 
> This chap?
> 
> Well, we'll see.

When Carlisle got home from the hospital, Jasper was waiting for him with a hot cup of tea and dinner on the table even though it was late.

Carlisle would have said he wasn't hungry - he'd been concentrating on Edward, Bella, and Samantha all day - but as soon as the smell of Jasper's cooking hit him, his stomach growled. Loudly.

"You didn't have to wait for me to eat," Carlisle said as Jasper sat down across from him.

The younger man shrugged. "Never fun to eat alone anyway. So, tell me what's going on with Samantha?" Jasper entreated.

"Not everything is clear yet. Samantha is very disoriented and frightened." Carlisle said as he cut his dinner into bite-sized squares. "She knows who Edward And Bella are though." He smiled as he spoke, remembering the utter joy on his brother and sister's faces when their baby cried for Momma and Daddy.

"Well, that's a start." Jasper's smile was genuine.

As they ate, Carlisle explained the various things they knew and what still stood to be seen. Samantha was far from out of the woods. Even if everything went their way, the little girl was looking at a lot of physical therapy, which wasn't the easiest prospect for anyone, let alone a toddler.

"She's got a loving family behind her." He seemed to hesitate a moment. Carlisle couldn't figure out why until he felt Jasper's hand rest on his. "I think that's the most important thing."

Carlisle didn't answer, too busy staring at their hands. The moment carried a certain weight to it that was not entirely unpleasant, though he found his throat felt scratchy and his heart began to beat at a steady gallop. Acting on impulse, he flipped his hand and watched, somewhat fascinated, as their fingers entwined.

The dryness in his throat got worse, harder to swallow around. There was a tightness around his chest.

There was a perceptible charge where their skin met, and a certain degree of flustering heat rose in Carlisle's bloodstream at the simple touch.

His thoughts spun, confusion paramount amongst the gamut of emotions roiling inside him. It wouldn't take anything to lean across the table, meet in the middle for a kiss. Not the kind they'd shared before - all domination and control - but the good kind, the sweet kind.

Sweet, tentative first kisses. There wasn't a lot better in the world than those first soft kisses.

And if that was the only thought spinning around Carlisle's head things would be different. It had been a long journey after all, and Carlisle wanted nothing more than to melt into the safety of someone else's arms, finally letting himself believe that there was some sense of rightness in the world. Samantha would be fine and he would have someone to lean on.

Would it be so wrong to admit an attraction to this man? They were both so alone in the world.

But through the evening, in the lulls when Samantha had fallen asleep again or Edward and Bella were with her doctor, Carlisle had time to think. He considered what Bella said - that Jasper was an orphan by death and abandonment. In that way, Jasper's actions this summer made a lot of sense. Some part of him had to be angry: his mother had left him alone. Even as an adult, that was a daunting prospect. Lashing out at Carlisle was a defense mechanism - pushing away the last person in his life before he could be pushed away himself.

Now that Carlisle had proven he was steadfast, that he wouldn't be pushed away no matter how hard Jasper tried, perhaps this - the gentle, intimate touch - was merely a different defense mechanism. Somewhere, Jasper was well aware his situation was precarious. Without an independent means to support himself, Jasper was at Carlisle's mercy.

So what if this new intimacy - the touches, the way he brought tea and dinner - was merely a manifestation of what he thought Carlisle wanted?

Jasper was in a vulnerable place. Carlisle wasn't oblivious to his own stresses. Engaging in something with this man at this time couldn't be healthy. Healthier maybe than the possessive, domineering, push and shove they'd engaged in before, but still. Though he'd never viewed himself as parental to Jasper in any sense, he still had the responsibility of an older man for a younger.

It wasn't fair for him to take advantage of Jasper's vulnerability just to soothe his own loneliness.

Closing his eyes, Carlisle withdrew his hand from the younger man's grasp. The tension in the atmosphere grew more oppressive.

"Jasper," he began quietly. There was no part of him that wanted to say what he was about to say, but what choice did he have? "I don't know what kind of signals I've been giving you lately. I don't know what you think it all means, but-"

He was interrupted by a sharp intake of breath, and the scrape of a chair across the kitchen tile. Carlisle opened his eyes to see Jasper already at the sink dumping the contents of his dinner into the trash before he turned the water on, rinsing the plate.

The weight around his chest got a little heavier, and Carlisle stood, unsure of what he wanted to do. If Jasper were anyone else, if the situation were different, he might reach out and put his hand on his shoulder. But it seemed Carlisle didn't know how to touch the other man with any level of appropriateness - not to soothe or comfort.

He wondered if he ever had known, or if his policy of mostly staying out of the boy's way had really just saved them all a lot of heartbreak and confusion in the past.

"We need to find a way to co-exist peacefully, and -"

"I get it," the younger man said, his voice sharp, his eyes hard as he turned around.

"We need to talk-"

"We don't need to do anything," Jasper said flatly, heading out of the kitchen. "I'll stay out of your way, you stay out of mine, if that's the way you want it."

A hundred different reactions ran through Carlisle's head as he watched Jasper retreat. He wanted to dart after the man, stop him, beg his forgiveness through desperate kisses. He felt a flash of anger and wanted to grab Jasper by the wrist, pull him back, make him talk like an adult - maybe make him explain how it was he'd gotten Carlisle to this point, where everything inside him was so twisted and out of sorts. He wanted so many different things, his body pulled in so many directions at once he was rendered utterly incapable of moving.

When the door the Jasper's room slammed, Carlisle flinched.

He blew out a long, shuddering breath and sunk down at the kitchen table, his hands over his eyes. His heart was pounding out of control and his head was spinning, but a strange calm had come over his body, a numbness.

It was better this way, he told himself. Yes, it would be nice if he and Jasper could be friends, but it was better to be strangers in the same house if they couldn't act like civilized people.

And frankly, Carlisle wasn't sure he trusted himself on that score anymore than he trusted Jasper.

_**~0~** _

The end of summer rolled into the beginning of fall.

After their awkward falling out, Carlisle had fully expected Jasper to revert to the way he'd been at the beginning of the summer. He'd readied himself for snappy comments and annoyances like the music blaring, messes in the sink - things Jasper had done specifically to annoy him.

Surprisingly, they never came.

Or maybe Jasper's anger management classes were having some effect.

Actually, his level of detachment was unnerving. It was like sharing the house with a ghost. They didn't see each other at all, though Carlisle heard the shower run in the morning and heard the door open and shut in the evening. When he went downstairs, the kitchen always smelled of coffee - like they'd just barely missed each other.

Carlisle tried not to acknowledge the pang of yearning. What was it he was missing? The other man's presence had only ever been maddening and confusing with no respite in between.

Except for the occasional glimpse - Jasper's back as he disappeared into his room or when he got out of his car, Carlisle only saw the man once.

When they brought Samantha home, Edward and Bella threw a small party. Jasper was invited. Carlisle watched from across the lawn as the man rolled with the children, helping Samantha who wanted to play with the others but whose legs didn't work well enough yet to keep up.

"When did that happen?" Carlisle asked his brother quietly, his eyes never leaving Jasper's smiling, apparently happy face. He looked so completely at peace with the children.

Edward shrugged. "Sammy took to him like white to rice," he said with a chuckle. "I don't know. When we were at the hospital, she wasn't cooperating with the doctors and he came over, he picked her up and talked to her softly and she calmed right down. I still don't have any idea how he did it. Bella and I were at our wits end with her that day. They've been kind of inseparable ever since."

Carlisle hummed, feeling the warmth that spread through his chest as he watched Jasper roll into a sitting position, pulling a grinning, happy Samantha with him. He cuddled the girl close and smooched her cheek in the way that had her shrieking with delighted little girl giggles.

When Jasper looked up, for one moment, their eyes met. Time froze, and for that infinite handful of seconds, Carlisle thought he saw something he could want, something he could wish for.

A family of his own, and someone to share that dream, these happy, peaceful moments, with.

Pressing his lips together, Carlisle gave his head a hard shake. Jasper looked away, turning his attention back to the kids that were now swarming on him like he was a human jungle gym.

_**~0~** _

In the middle of September, too restless in his spare time, Carlisle decided he needed an outlet for his energy. As much as he hated it, aggression was something inherent - programmed into him from his difficult childhood.

Before, he could talk it out with Esme. She would let him vent when he was frustrated, but still, he did need a physical outlet.

He hadn't been back to the gym in about six months, so Carlisle wasn't surprised when one of the trainers - and his friend - Emmett McCarty came over instantly, wrapping him in a bear hug. That was the nice thing about Emmett. He was as big as a building but didn't hold to the macho man standards.

The man  _loved_ hugs.

"It's good to see you again. What's the plan for today? Weights?" It wasn't a dismissal. Their friendship was built around action. Except for Esme's funeral, every discussion they'd had had been mid-exercise. Emmett just thought better when he was on the move.

Carlisle smiled and cocked his head. "I don't think that's a good idea. I've probably lost some muscle tone. Do you have some time to hit the ring?"

"Sure," Emmett said easily. "For you, yeah."

So they talked while Emmett held his mitted hands up, letting Carlisle throw punches in a safe, controlled arena.

Carlisle hadn't realized how badly he'd needed to talk until he started and he found he couldn't stop. He talked about losing Esme and how much he missed her, about Edward, Bella, Samantha and the new baby and how much he worried for them. He talked about Jasper and how utterly infuriating the man had been not all that long ago.

"Whoa, big guy." Emmett called a little loudly to get his attention.

Carlisle pulled back, stunned to realize he was panting with exertion, his muscles were burning, and his skin was covered in a sheen of sweat.

"Wow," Emmett scoffed. "The kid sure does get under your skin, doesn't he?"

"I just got in the zone," Carlisle excused, feeling like he'd let on too much.

"Apparently." He tapped Carlisle's arm. "Come on. Let's run it out."

Nodding, Carlisle followed the other man over to the treadmills, confused as ever at his complete inability to react to Jasper with anything besides emotions that came in extremes.

_**~0~** _

It was late September when Carlisle came home from the hospital one day to find quite a sight in his living room.

After over a month of going out of his way to avoid him, it seemed Jasper had decided to reappear. On the couch. With a young, attractive brunette man with an incredible ass draped all over him.

The noise that came out of Carlisle's throat wasn't precisely human, and it startled the strange man enough that he tried to sit up. Jasper grabbed him by the front of his shirt though, pulling him back down and grinning lasciviously at Carlisle. "Well hey there, Mr. C," he drawled, an edge of sarcasm to his voice. "This is Peter. He's going to be staying for a couple of days."

"Hi," Peter said somewhat sheepishly, waving a little as he tried to find a less awkward position seeing as Jasper wasn't letting him go.

Carlisle cleared his throat, wondering vaguely why it was so difficult to speak. Adrenaline pumped through his veins, and he felt suspiciously like he was on the verge of launching himself across the room to punch this complete and total stranger in the face.

"You have a problem with Peter being here?" Jasper challenged.

Carlisle swallowed thickly. "Not at all. It was nice to meet you, Peter. I'll get out of your hair now."

He couldn't get up the stairs quick enough.

In his his room, Carlisle leaned back against the door, his head spinning. He wasn't entirely sure why his stomach was twisting like this. He was disturbed, but on what level? Obviously, he'd been well aware Jasper preferred the romantic company of men. It was only reasonable that a man his age would date.

He growled, so entirely sick of this confusion, the way his feelings were all twisted and tangled whenever he saw the younger man. There was no peace. It was all anger, jealousy, and longing.

Jealousy and longing.

He was  _jealous_. Deliriously so.

That was a revelation he didn't know how to deal with, but then again, dealing with what was going on in his own head hadn't been his forte of late. There was a reason why he threw himself so wholeheartedly into other people's problems. Certainly, when Samantha was in a coma, her situation had to take precedence but that shouldn't have been an excuse. He should have taken the time to examine why he'd kissed Jasper, why the young man snapped his otherwise unerring self-control so easily.

Carlisle's mood swung again and he was resentful. Why couldn't the man just leave him the hell alone?

But he'd been doing that for a month, hadn't he? And Carlisle hadn't enjoyed that month either.

Sliding down the door, Carlisle sat heavily, his head in his hands, pulling lightly at his hair.

He hated being so out of control. He hated feeling this way. It was hell not to act on his every impulse, this desire that seemed to be part of his blood. It wasn't clear by any stretch of the imagination. From one moment to the next a new idea occurred to him. He wanted to fly down the stairs and snatch Peter away from Jasper. He wanted to shake Jasper, demand to know why he had this power over him. He wanted...

What he wanted most was for the world to make sense again. It hadn't made any sense in so long. He felt like he was stuck in a dryer set on tumble. Esme had been the only one to even keep him steady. After she was gone, it was just one thing after another. Her death. Jasper's anger. Samantha. Edward and Bella. Jasper. With each rotation, Carlisle's world was upside down and unrecognizable.

And here he was what? On the verge of throwing a tantrum or having some kind of mental break down because his twenty-one year old housemate had a boyfriend?

Carlisle dug his fists into his eyes, trying to rub away the tears that threatened before they could spill over onto his cheeks.

For fuck's sake. He was a thirty-one year old man falling to pieces over complete and utter bullshit.

It occurred to Carlisle then, the way Jasper had looked at him so pointedly, the way he'd kept his friend from moving to a more respectful position was all purposeful. Even the fact they'd been down in the living room was suspect. After all this time, Carlisle was positive Jasper knew his schedule. How else had he kept from running into him? He had to have known Carlisle would be home sooner than later.

For long minutes, Carlisle merely breathed, letting what he felt - the aggression, the spite, the fear and confusion - loosen its hold on his body. Wishing and hoping his life could go back to what it had been four years ago - before Esme - was a moot point. Back then he'd been able to handle his loneliness. He hadn't thought about things like desire and want. He'd beat back the urge for physical contact.

It made him wonder how different life could be if Jasper was someone else - someone who wasn't his dead wife's son and who wasn't, in at least some way, indebted to Carlisle. If he was just a passing stranger.

It still wouldn't have been easy; Carlisle wasn't delusional enough to think the fact Jasper was a man didn't have something to do with his anxiety. But it might not have been this twisted up either.

Esme had told him more than once in the months before she died to keep his mind and his heart opened. She'd told him there was too much about him to keep locked up. He was meant to have love. He was meant to have a family.

Another few minutes passed before Carlisle was aware of a commotion. He blinked, realizing what the sound was: shouting. Arguing.

He was positive Jasper wasn't aware that the position of the vents in the kitchen and in the floor of Carlisle's room made it so sound travelled. It was a fact Carlisle and Esme had been hyper aware of seeing as they'd lived in the same house as a teenage boy who was attached to the refrigerator. Either way, what it meant was now that he was concentrating - and now that he'd scooted over to where the vent was - Carlisle could hear every blessed word Jasper and his friend were saying, well, shouting at each other.

"-the hell you can possibly think I would be okay with this!" Peter was shouting. "For fuck's sake, Jasper. I came half way across the country for you, to see if we had a chance of making this thing work, and all you can do is use me to make your  _stepfather_  jealous?! Do you know how that  _feels_?"

"That's not what's going on here at all!" Jasper argued.

"Oh, don't even start with me. You knew what you were doing. I wasn't born yesterday."

"Peter-"

"Shut up. Don't even talk to me!" Peter snarled. "I asked you point blank if you were still in love with him. You told me you weren't. If you're not over him, that's your own problem. How dare you fucking drag me into your stupid little game."

"What game?" Jasper demanded. "There's no game. He didn't want me, okay?"

The younger man's voice was filled with a raw pain Carlisle had never heard in his tone before. His heart twisted and picked up an unsteady rhythm all at the same time.

There was silence for a handful of seconds. Carlisle didn't realize he was holding his breath until he had to gasp for air.

When Jasper spoke again, his tone was a lot more defeated, though he was still shouting. "You're right. I'm a fucking asshole. I just... I wanted... I thought... Ah, hell. I don't know what I thought I was doing. It wasn't right. I get that. I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry."

Their conversation faded, too low for Carlisle to hear - not that he should have been listening in the first place.

Carlisle sat still for a long time, absolutely floored.

There was a huge difference between being attracted to someone and being in love. Carlisle couldn't pretend he'd misconstrued Peter's angry words. " _I asked you point blank if you were still in love with him._ "

And he couldn't pretend he hadn't heard the pain in Jasper's voice. " _He didn't want me_."

He laughed without the slightest bit of humor, just tired and incredulous.

Once again, his world was upside down and unrecognizable around him.

Why he expected anything else at this point, he didn't know.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Soooo I guess no bad touch this chapter…
> 
> Thanks to naeleny for unwinding my mess and barburella for egging me on.
> 
> And you lovely people. How are we doing out there in fanfic land?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to Jessypt. Thanks, babe!

Though they were happily married, Esme never let Carlisle forget there would be another after her. He was meant to love, she reminded him constantly.

Once, Carlisle had overheard Esme telling Bella, "The saddest thing about Cullen men? They don't know they're worthy of love. They don't even know how to recognize it."

Bella had agreed fervently with the sentiment.

That night, as Carlisle thought of Peter's accusation, that Jasper was still in love with him, he was restless, unable to sleep. He tossed and turned, his thoughts never settling - like sharks circling. They felt about as dangerous. For some reason, the word love had Carlisle's chest tight with anxiety.

How sad was it that the simple thought of love felt like it could somehow destroy him?

It was a ridiculous thing to think.

Really, it was the questions that arose that had Carlisle tossing, wondering how he could have missed this. How long had this been going on, and what had prompted it?

In the morning, Carlisle was more confused than ever. It was obvious and undeniable to him now that he was attracted to Jasper and Jasper to him. It went without saying that they needed to have a conversation - a real conversation - but Carlisle didn't know where to begin. He wondered if the younger man would even be receptive to talking, and if there was any good resolution to be had.

When it was light enough outside to be considered truly morning, Carlisle got out of bed, exhausted beyond measure. He made his way downstairs and made a cup of tea.

Just as he settled down to drink, the steps creaked. Carlisle tensed, not really knowing if he was ready to see Jasper. But it was Peter who stepped into the kitchen. The man stopped short when he saw Carlisle sitting there, but looked away quickly.

"Good morning, Peter," Carlisle said after a moment.

The younger man nodded tightly.

"You don't look like you slept any better than I did."

Peter said nothing.

Feeling unreasonably nervous, Carlisle felt the need to fill up the silence. "So, how long are you in town f-"

"Can we skip past the part where we pretend I have any desire at all to talk to you?" Peter snapped.

Carlisle blinked, confused for a moment. He took a step back, considering for a moment what Peter might be feeling. It was unlikely he'd had a good night. By all accounts, he was angry and a little heartbroken. Of course he was going to be a moody. "Fair enough." He smiled at the younger man. "I'll leave you in peace, but if I may... I won't pretend I know what's going on between you and Jasper, but just consider he's been through a lot these last few months. He's a good man."

Peter gaped at him and scoffed. "Jesus Christ. You have some nerve, don't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"There's not much of an excuse for you." The other man's look was scathing. "Jasper's been through a lot lately? As if you care."

Carlisle looked down at his tea, stirring it restlessly. "I've always cared," he said lightly but sincerely.

"If that were true, you'd have left Jasper in peace. Give him the house and get the hell out. You know you can afford another place." Peter scowled. "If he could get the fuck away from you, maybe he could get on with his life."

"I'm not sure this is an appropriate conversation," Carlisle answered, his tone still even.

"Like you have any concept about what's appropriate," he snarled. "And you know what? It's all bullshit. Jasper won't throw any of this in your face, but someone needs to call you on your shit."

"Peter!" Jasper's voice drew both men's attention. He looked a little sallow as he leaned on the door jamb, his eyes pleading with the brunette man. "Just don't."

"I'm so sick of this. He didn't have the right to do what he did to you. I've been telling you for months you need to call him on it. You deserve to, and since you won't do it, I will."

"Peter," Jasper said again.

Peter wasn't listening. He'd turned back toward Carlisle with a livid glare. "I just want to know if you get some perverse pleasure out of playing with his heart like that."

Jasper lurched up off the door, but Peter stood before he could get to him and kept on talking.

"I mean really, what kind of asshole seduces his stepson the very night he buries his wife?"

Carlisle balked, standing and backing away out of instinct. "What? I don't..." He thought over the words, turned them over and over in his head. It was impossible to make sense of them. "I don't understand what you're accusing me of."

"Don't play fucking innocent with me!"

"Peter, don't," Jasper begged. "Please just don't. Let it go."

The brunette man swung around to look at Jasper. "You gave up the right to tell me what to do. You dragged me into this, well you deal with the consequences, sweetheart. He broke your heart on one of the worst days of your life, if you're not going to deal with it, then I'm at least getting this off my chest."

"I what?" Carlisle's voice was barely there.

Peter chuffed. "How did I know you wouldn't own up to it. Well, let me remind you. After the funeral? You know - your  _wife's_ funeral? You and Jasper were alone in the house? Is this ringing any bells, prick?"

Actually, Carlisle didn't remember a lot about that day. What he knew was his heart was pounding too quick, his chest was too tight, his throat was too dry. There was something inkling at the back of his mind with Peter's words, but Carlisle couldn't make sense of it. He knew he didn't like it, though.

"Oh, what? You don't remember? You don't remember kissing him? You don't remember pulling him into your room and-"

"I didn't do that." Carlisle rankled, blurting out a defense and stumbling backward. His eyes darted between Peter and Jasper.

Jasper was staring at the ground, his hands in fists at his sides. He looked up, his eyes hard. Angry. "I got it the first time. You want to pretend it didn't happen. Fine. It's just fucking fine."

He pushed himself away from the counter he'd been leaning on and practically flew out of the kitchen, leaving Carlisle and Peter both staring at the empty doorway.

After a long, heavy moment, Peter exhaled, his shoulders slumping. "What you did to him... after how long he's felt the way he feels about you... that was just heinous. But for a minute, I was glad. I was so glad because I thought it was what he needed to finally see, you're not the kind hearted prince he idealizes in his head." His eyes sparked with fury. "But then you go and make him fall all over again only to turn him back the second, the  _second_ , he started to hope."

Carlisle was staring at the younger man with wide eyes. The lump in his throat was too large to swallow past, let alone speak.

"You were right," Peter continued. "He's a good man. I may be pissed as hell at him right now, but I know that. He deserves better than to have you fucking with his head."

With that, Peter turned, leaving Carlisle alone in the kitchen, his thoughts spinning crazily.

_**~0~** _

It took Carlisle most of the day to work up his courage to come back home.

He'd spent the day mostly trying to think and trying  _not_ to think.

As much as he wanted to dismiss Peter's allegations as deranged, there were a few things that made too much sense.

When Jasper came home from school just after Esme died, there were a precious few days when he and Carlisle seemed to be on the same page.

He'd been a complete and utter basket case at the time, of course. Inconsolable, despite the fact he'd known for their entire relationship this was the way they would end. Not even Edward could comfort him.

In fact, the only conversations Carlisle could remember as being positive from that time were the few he had with Jasper.

The young man must have been in such pain - losing his mother unexpectedly. But he'd reached out to Carlisle. The conversations they had, alone in the house, remembering, were the only bright spots in an otherwise very dark time.

The day after the funeral, Jasper had been... off. He was strangely withdrawn and wouldn't look Carlisle in the eye. Two days later, Jasper was back in Texas to finish the last two weeks of classes. And when he came back...

When he came back, the atmosphere between them was strange... like a storm on a Florida summer evening, it was thick and oppressive and possibly on the verge of a hurricane: all darkness and destruction. Jasper was different. Their relationship had been awkward the year and a half he'd been in high school and strained when he came home for holidays and the summer, but now it was just ugly.

Carlisle didn't know how to begin to fix it, how to make it all right, but as the day finally faded into the night, he knew there was one thing he needed first: the whole story.

So Carlisle found himself staring at Jasper's door, running his hand through his hair restlessly.

_Man up, Cullen._

With a small sigh, Carlisle knocked.

"Christ," Jasper muttered when he opened the door a few seconds later. "What do you want from me?"

Carlisle swallowed hard, trying to calm the guilt that roiled in the pit of his belly. Jasper looked tired - tired and sad. He was trying to look irritated but he wasn't pulling it off.

"Is Peter still here?" he asked quietly.

Jasper narrowed his eyes. "Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no. He went back home a little early." There was a tightness to his features that told Carlisle how sorry he was over this fact.

"The only reason I asked is I didn't want to interrupt anything, but I'd like to talk to you."

"Well, I have no interest in-"

"I took a cocktail of your mother's pills that night," Carlisle blurted before Jasper could slam the door in his face.

Jasper paused, blinking. "What?"

"The night after the funeral." Carlisle rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his cheeks burning with shame. "That afternoon, really. I was having a hard time making it through. I wasn't thinking at all. I took a cocktail of her meds. I don't even remember what I took." He sucked in a breath, forcing himself to look Jasper in the eye. "I don't remember anything except waking up in my room, knowing I could have died the night before."

For a long moment, Jasper stared. "You don't... remember..." he repeated slowly.

"No." He took a deep breath. "I gather that something happened between us that night, but I swear, I had absolutely no idea."

Jasper chuffed. "Well, I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse."

Carlisle bit the inside of his cheek, not knowing where to go from there. It was a positive that Jasper had yet to kick him out. In fact, the younger man was looking away, chewing on his lower lip as if in deep thought.

"Can we talk?" Carlisle's voice was soft as he tried not to betray his nerves.

There was a naked fear in Jasper's eyes. Looking at him, Carlisle couldn't deny how much he'd hurt the younger man. His heart twisted at the thought.

But Jasper moved back, letting Carlisle in the room. He remained standing while Carlisle sat on the edge of his bed, wringing his hands fitfully.

"When I woke up that morning I realized... The drugs I took in the amount I took them could have caused irreparable damage. When I knew what I'd done, I went to the hospital."

Jasper sucked in a sharp breath. "Were you trying to kill yourself?"

Carlisle couldn't answer right away. "I honestly don't know," he said finally, staring down at his hands. "I wasn't thinking. I... was hurting so badly I couldn't think at all. I remember I just needed it to stop."

"You were trying to kill yourself." Abruptly, Jasper sounded utterly furious. "You stupid, selfish son of a bitch. You had no right. Not when you have Edward, and Bella, and Sammy and..."

Carlisle stared, both tremendously guilty and a little flabbergasted at the strength of Jasper's anger.

The other man closed his eyes as if counting to ten. When he opened them, he seemed calmer. "You don't get to do that... You don't get to abandon the people who love you."

"It was an accident." Carlisle hung his head. "I know it was stupid."

Jasper let out a long breath and sat beside him on the bed, his shoulders sagging. "It does make a lot more sense." He ran his hand through his hair restlessly. "I um..." He laughed. "I went downstairs to get us some breakfast. I turned around and you were out the door. Then you didn't come back for forever."

"I was at the hospital all day," Carlisle murmured. "You know... making sure my kidneys still functioned."

"Then you came home and went straight to your room." Jasper took a deep breath. "And the next morning, you just looked at me like nothing at all had happened."

"I really didn't remember. I had no idea anything had happened."

Jasper nodded. "I'm getting that."

They sat in silence nearly a whole minute before Carlisle summoned his courage to ask. "So will you tell me?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" the other man's voice was wry. "I get it. You were stressed. You were drugged." Carlisle heard him swallow. "You didn't mean what you said. If you just let it go now, I won't say anything again."

It was a tempting offer. The urge to flee was so overwhelming, Carlisle's head was spinning, his throat was tight, and his pulse thin as the wind through the reeds. He knew instinctively his life was about to change. Permanently. There would be no going back.

"Please tell me." There was hardly any volume to his voice.

At first, Carlisle was sure Jasper was going to refuse. For a prolonged moment there was only the sound of their labored breaths.

"I was on the sofa when you came downstairs," Jasper said finally, and Carlisle jumped a little, startled because he didn't expected to hear his voice. "You sat beside me."

There was more silence. This was obviously not easy. "I um..." Jasper laughed nervously. "You didn't even say anything. It was just... My Mom and all..."

Carlisle chanced a glance up. Jasper's face was bright red as he rubbed his neck. Carlisle thought he understood. Jasper had the same look many of his patients or his patients' families had when they were emotionally overwhelmed but were trying not to show it. Jasper didn't want to admit he'd been crying.

Instinct and ingrained bedside manner had him reaching out before he thought about it, clasping Jasper's arm comfortingly. But the younger man looked first at his hand and then up into his eyes.

Instantly, the air changed, charged, and despite the fact Carlisle knew he should have pulled away, his hand lingered on Jasper's arm.

Jasper swallowed, smacking his lips lightly. "You hugged me," he said, his voice suddenly gravelly.

Carlisle did remember that somewhat. Now that he thought about it, he could remember pulling Jasper into his arms, guiding the younger man's head to his shoulder while he cried.

It was what happened after that where Carlisle got a little fuzzy.

Jasper pressed his lips together in consternation a moment before he shifted so their legs were brushing.

Suddenly Carlisle was starved for oxygen. It was all he could do to concentrate on breathing. He couldn't move. He couldn't think... and that was probably a good thing.

Jasper reached forward slowly, cupping his cheek, tilting his head up. "You touched me like this, and then..." He leaned in so their lips brushed. Carlisle's eyelashes fluttered. The taste of the other man's warm breath, the way he panted into his mouth, made him dizzy. He wanted to give in, but he was frozen.

The first kiss was all Jasper. It was soft, sweet - a caress of skin. But at that simple connection a jolt went right down his spine. It was like nothing else he'd ever experienced, and it left him gasping.

Jasper pulled back a little, his hand still cupped to Carlisle's cheek, his thumb stroking lightly over his mouth, his eyes searching. "I always wanted to do that."

"W-what?" Carlisle's voice was hardly more than a sigh - no volume whatsoever.

"That was what you said," Jasper clarified. He swallowed. "And I asked 'since when?' And you said, 'I don't know.'"

Jasper hadn't moved away so their bodies brushed as they spoke. His lips were so close.

Carlisle's tongue darted out, and he whetted his lips as he tried to remember how to speak. "And then?" He was so entirely lost in Jasper's eyes, his body taut - waiting.

"And then... this," Jasper whispered, moving his hand under Carlisle's chin, tilting his head so their lips met again.

This time Carlisle responded. His movements were tentative at first. He had no idea what he was doing or whether or not he should be doing it. His mouth moved of its own volition, seeking what it wanted, following where Jasper guided him. It was all so new, so completely different from anything Carlisle could remember.

Jasper's other hand came up, pressing to the small of Carlisle's back.

Carlisle jumped at the touch, unable to help it. He jumped and gasped and it was as if the world, paused for those endless moments, turned back on again full force, full volume. His breath was coming too quick, and rather than his mind being completely devoid of thought, now he was inundated. He bowed his head, his eyes closed tight as he tried to catch his breath.

He felt Jasper stiffen.

Quickly, before Jasper could pull away, Carlisle's hand darted out, catching the other man's arm. "Wait," he pleaded, his voice dry and raw.

"I don't understand you." Jasper was frustrated. "You're hot then you're cold. I don't understand what you want."

Carlisle laughed. He couldn't help it. He shifted, putting a little more distance between them though he let his hand rest on Jasper's knee, needing the connection. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath through his nose and let it back out again before he tried to speak. "I don't understand what I want either," he muttered. "Just. Give me one minute. Just one."

It was more than he deserved after all Jasper had been through, after all he'd put the young man through.

But Jasper didn't move. He sat quietly and waited.

Carlisle took another deep breath, relief strong in him. He reeled, trying to pick the most important thought from the panicked shouting in his head. Where did he start?

Carlisle couldn't deny he was attracted to Jasper - those blinders were long gone. He wouldn't forget the way these kisses - these sweet kisses, not the angry ones before - felt. He'd liked them. A lot.

"I think I meant it," he said on a breath.

He opened his eyes to find Jasper staring at him. "Meant what?"

His nerves were frazzled. Carlisle breathed in and out, in and out before he spoke. "What I said that night. That I wanted to kiss you. I think I meant it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oooooh my.
> 
> Thanks to barburella and twitina for keeping this chapter in line.
> 
> SO! Thoughts? Lot of revelations today.


	10. Now What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To Naeleny and jessypt who had to hold my hand through this chapter. Jeez. It was a bear for some reason. And to Barburella for MAKING ME WAIT TO POST

"I think there are some things you need to know about me," Carlisle said quietly.

The night before, he'd begged Jasper's indulgence, desperately needing to be alone to think. A lot had changed, and while Carlisle was sure he wasn't ready to deal with it all yet, he knew he had to.

First and foremost, he had arrived at the conclusion that Jasper needed to know more about him. Not that he was making excuses for his behavior - he refused to. He hoped a little insight into his character might at least give Jasper a reason.

That morning, Carlisle was exhausted. He didn't think he'd gotten so much as fifteen minutes sleep all night. Jasper looked about as weary as he felt. It only solidified Carlisle's resolve to talk - really talk; So over coffee and tea, he told Jasper about his father and Alistair.

"That's..." Jasper shook his head, looking furious. "I mean, it's not like I don't know that kind of reaction exists. It's just so stupid, I don't even know how to comprehend it."

Carlisle smiled sadly. "Yes, well... My father was good at being stupid."

Tentative, Jasper reached across the table and rested his hand lightly on Carlisle's . "I was lucky. I had Mom. You know, it never even occurred to me to be nervous when I came out to her?"

"Your mother was an exceptional woman." Carlisle looked down at his tea, his heart aching. He ached for Esme terribly. "Without her, I don't think I ever would have known how to begin to accept..."

He didn't know how to go on.

"This is fucking awkward," Jasper muttered, running his hands through his hair restlessly. "Okay... How did marrying Mom get you to accept you like guys?"

Carlisle chuffed. "You don't understand. After Alistair and before your mother, there was no one."

Jasper stared.

Despite his embarrassment, Carlisle pressed on. "What I've been doing to you isn't something I understand. At all. The only thing I can think is that my... attraction to you combined with the stress of the last few months..."

He trailed off. Despite having all night to think about it, he still didn't have the right words to explain his mindset.

Jasper waved his hand. "It's okay."

"No." Carlisle shook his head firmly. "It really isn't. What I did to you-"

"Look, you and I both know I was provoking you." Jasper slumped a little, his eyes darting around guiltily. "I was trying to get a reaction out of you. I really can't complain that I got one."

Carlisle considered this. There wasn't an excuse for what he'd done, for how aggressive he'd been, but there also wasn't any reason why he shouldn't let Jasper take responsibility for what he  _had_ done.

"What reaction were you trying to get out of me?"

Jasper laughed in a way that suggested someone had a tight hold of his testicles. "I don't know that I thought about it. I was... I guess I wanted you to be as pissed off as I was." He fiddled with his coffee cup. "I really didn't expect you to do what you did, though." He took a deep breath. "And then after that... I mean, I was mad. I was really mad. But..." This was obviously not easy for him. "I also wanted you to do it again."

Carlisle stared down at his tea, not knowing what to say - not knowing what he wanted to say. In his head, he heard Peter accusing Jasper of  _still_ being in love with him. He wanted - desperately in fact - to ask how long.

But then he noticed the time. "Oh, hell."

Jasper craned his neck to look at the clock on the microwave behind him. "Time for work?"

Rubbing his eyes tiredly, Carlisle nodded. "Yeah."

Wordlessly, they both got up. Carlisle paused at the bottom of the stairs, hesitating. "Jasper?" He didn't turn to look at the young man. Coward that he was, he couldn't face him and ask this question.

"Yeah?"

"That night... did we only kiss?"

It took so long for Jasper to answer, Carlisle almost turned around.

"They were, uh... very thorough kisses," the younger man said softly, wistfully. "Tangled up kind of kisses."

The thought made every muscle -  _every_ muscle - in Carlisle's body tighten. Now he kept a hold of the banister to keep himself steady, to keep from turning around because if he did...

Well, they'd gotten in enough trouble when he didn't think about his actions.

"Thank you," he said instead, his voice huskier than normal.

He quickly jaunted up the steps, needing to get ready for work.

As he dressed, Carlisle tried to assess his mood. He was straddling the line between panic and...

Well...

It was what he wanted to do that was making him feel uncomfortable, anxious. It was an old emotion - one he detested. Like his anger, it was something he'd worked hard to overcome.

Then again, he'd overdone that by a long shot. That was how he'd ended up so emotionally stunted, wasn't it? That was how whatever this was, whatever he felt for Jasper, got warped and twisted.

It seemed he couldn't control his emotions at all.

As part of his doctorate, he'd learned that most parts about ones psyche could not be suppressed forever, though they could be dealt with. Aggression, for instance, could be channeled through a number of healthy outlets.

Once he trained himself not to look, attraction was a non-issue. He didn't have to actively suppress something he didn't feel.

So what was different about Jasper?

He supposed the attraction must have built up over time. Objectively speaking, Carlisle knew Jasper was a catch. It wasn't just that he was handsome - which he very much was. He was also, at his heart, a kind soul. He was smart, charismatic, loyal...

"Oh, Christ," Carlisle muttered out loud.

It wasn't merely an attraction. Somewhere along the line, he had developed a full fledged crush on the other man.

And he was so emotionally stunted, he was no better than a schoolboy pulling a girl's pigtails, bullying because he didn't know how to deal with his own emotions.

Carlisle sighed, looking at himself in the mirror. He used to pride himself for being more evolved, for working so diligently never to judge, to come at every situation with compassion. Yet everything about his interactions with Jasper came down to base instincts - like a caveman simultaneously bashing his chosen over the head with a big club while exerting his dominance over the situation.

When he went downstairs, Carlisle felt anxious. He was entirely too aware of this new knowledge of his advanced infatuation. And sure enough, he bumped into Jasper who was milling in the living room.

The expression that passed between them was tentative - all awkward smiles and shy glances.

"Are you working with Sammy today?" Carlisle asked finally.

Ever since Edward and Bella had been able to go back to a more normal life, Jasper had been helping them with Samantha more than anything. For whatever reason, she got less frustrated with Jasper when it came time for physical therapy and the like. She had suffered no extreme brain damage, but there were gaps in her basic knowledge that hadn't been there before; several concepts she'd mastered - such as the square peg in the square hole phenomenon - she was having to relearn.

Jasper nodded. "Yes." He squirmed slightly. "I also have to meet with my parole officer."

The tense expression on his face was enough that Carlisle temporarily forgot his own anxiety and went to the younger man, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. "You're going to be fine," he intoned with sincerity. "You've been doing everything right."

"That doesn't stop some of these people from fucking with your life," Jasper said nervously. "I've heard some stories..."

"I thought you liked her. What's her name?"

"Carmen Salazar." Jasper tugged on his hair. "She seems nice, but that doesn't make me less... you know." He shrugged.

"Look at me," Carlisle requested. Jasper was looking anywhere but him.

Slowly, the younger man looked up, his eyes full of trepidation.

"You're going to be fine," he repeated firmly

Jasper searched him and took a deep breath, seeming to calm slightly. "Yeah."

For a pregnant moment, they stared at each other, the air between them threatening to change, threatening to become something more than what was meant to be a comforting moment.

With a shuddering breath, Carlisle stepped back. "Good luck," he said, his voice calmer than his pounding heart seemed to warrant.

_**~0~** _

"You never know when to ask for help," Esme had mused once.

"My problems are minor, in comparison," he'd answered.

She'd taken his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs and smiling at him. "At some point, Carlisle Cullen, you're going to have to learn your needs are just as important as everyone else's even if they are silly, which I sincerely doubt. Have a little compassion for yourself, hmm?"

Now it seemed sillier than ever. He was a thirty-one year old man without a clue what to do about the fact he liked another man.

Of course, things were quite a bit more complicated than a simple crush.

There was the fact his wife had died only four months before.

And the fact that the man he was attracted to was her son.

Add to that Carlisle's plethora of odd neurosis, and this was as far from simple as possible, he wagered.

He really needed someone to talk to.

There was Edward, of course, but somehow, Carlisle couldn't bring himself to go to his brother. It had always been Carlisle guiding Edward, not the other way around, and he didn't know that he wanted his little brother to see him this way, caught in this maelstrom.

So Carlisle turned instead to Emmett.

Of all his friends, Emmett was the most easy going. Carlisle had never heard a snide remark - except in jest - or a judgemental comment. He seemed to accept that people were going to do a wide variety of strange, seemingly incomprehensible things.

Emmett agreed to meet him for lunch.

The poor man only barely sat down, asking how he'd been, before Carlisle was spilling a truncated version of the whole story.

Emmett's reaction was a huff of laughter. "That is what you'd call a pickle, isn't it?" He grinned. "But I mean, is it really so bad?"

Carlisle grimaced, uncertain how to answer that question.

"Okay, let's try it this way. What is it you want me to tell you here?"

"I don't know," Carlisle admitted. "Should I be putting a stop to this now? Is that the responsible thing to do?"

"For what reason would that be responsible?"

"He's young."

Emmett snorted. "You're not exactly ancient, and he's not a kid."

"I've lost control with him before."

"That's a complication," Emmett allowed. "But it's not something you should run from. It's something you should deal with."

Carlisle looked down at the table, at his untouched club sandwich. "He's my wife's son."

"Well, that would be a whole lot more fucked up if she were alive, Carlisle," Emmett said, not unkindly.

"I'm his stepfather."

"Technically, you were. Technically," Emmett said pointedly. "But who gives a fuck about titles you get for no reason. Did Jasper ever look at you like a father?"

Now it was Carlisle's turn to snort. "No. He would have died before calling me a friend."

"He was seventeen, right? When you married Esme? That's pretty much grown. There was a slim to none chance you were ever going to be this kid's father - or even father figure - even if you'd tried."

"True," Carlisle allowed.

"As for Esme... well... You tell me, but I seem to remember she was all about you being happy when she was gone." Emmett's voice was gentle.

Carlisle just nodded, again missing his wife - his best friend - fiercely.

"And I think it's safe to assume she'd want her son to be happy, too. So if you can find some happiness together..." He shrugged.

Carlisle was silent, deep in thought.

"You know," Emmett continued, filling the silence. "I think all relationships are a long shot. Every damn one of them. We all have our baggage, and if it's not the baggage it's bad timing, situation, or one of a million different things.

"But it's like anything else. You get out of life what you put into it. Nothing is ever easy. So there might be a good reason you and Jasper would never work out. I'm just saying, none of the reasons you've given me are good enough on their own to bail."

At that, Carlisle couldn't help but laugh. "I'm sorry. That's just more insight than I would expect from you."

Emmett grinned. "Well, it comes with the territory. When I met my Rosie, I was a happy bachelor." He rolled his eyes. "A very happy bachelor if you catch my drift. I was really satisfied roaming. But then here comes this chick who totally throws me for a loop." He shook his head. "And Rose isn't easy. She is the very definition of high maintenance. So, as much as I try not to," he winked, "I had to think really hard before I got us both wrapped up in something I couldn't finish."

"But it was worth it," Carlisle surmised.

"That it was. It wasn't easy. It's still not easy. Rosalie's a pain in the ass, and I'm no picnic. But yeah. Every day, it's worth it."

_**~0~** _

Carlisle was exhausted when he got home.

He was bemused when he felt both relieved and a little disappointed that Jasper hadn't come back. It was an odd sensation, missing a man at the same time he wished for a little space. So much had happened since yesterday, and Carlisle wasn't at all sure he knew how to deal with it.

There was a part of him - a big part - that was terrified of these emotions he felt: attraction, affection... lust. Once upon a time, these very feelings cost him his home. And while being away from his father was no loss, Carlisle had been wracked with worry on a daily basis, fearing for his brother whom he could no longer protect.

So an ingrained part of him was screaming 'danger', fully expecting his world to come crashing down around him again.

Carlisle laid on his bed, his arm thrown over his eyes, reminding himself he knew first hand how good things could be. Despite its brevity, his marriage to Esme had been the best years of his life.

And then there was Edward. Despite suffering similar issues about his worthiness of love, Edward had a wonderful relationship. He was a husband, a father. He was, for the most part, impressively happy.

The door opening downstairs brought Carlisle out of his musings. His stomach clenched. He considered feigning sleep - it wouldn't be much of a ruse considering how tired he was - but he remembered where Jasper had been that day. The need to be there for the younger man took precedence over everything else.

Jasper was coming up the stairs as Carlisle went down.

"Hey," Carlisle greeted.

Jasper's look was guarded, but he nodded back.

Carlisle studied him a moment. "Have you eaten?"

"No. I'm just kind of..." He made a vague motion. "I'm too tired to make something right now."

"Why don't you let me make us some dinner then?"

Jasper's lips quirked up. "Yeah, okay."

Carlisle kept it simple: soup and sandwiches. While he assembled, Jasper told him about the meeting with Carmen and how he'd also spoken with his lawyer.

"She gave me a little trouble about not finding something 'legitimate' as far as work goes," Jasper said tiredly. "But then she read Edward's letter about how I am with Sammy, and that changed her tune a bit."

"You're good for Sammy," Carlisle agreed. "And Edward and Bella's peace of mind. I'd say that's a reasonable contribution to society."

"Luckily, Ms. Salazar thinks so too."

"So what did the lawyer say?"

"Mr. Jenks said that since she hasn't had much to complain about, I can put in a request to have my parole ended as soon as my classes are done." He shrugged. "It couldn't hurt, anyway."

"That's all good news," Carlisle said as he sat down across from Jasper.

The silence that consumed them wasn't the most comfortable silence he'd ever been in, but it wasn't so heavy either. It was a little awkward. Carlisle didn't think Jasper knew what to say any more than he did.

Jasper's breath quickened before he spoke again, staring down at his plate as he did. "Listen, Carlisle, I've been thinking..."

Carlisle didn't know that he liked the sound of that. "About?"

"About what you said about your dad and all that. I think... I mean when I think about the way I've acted with you, around you, all the time..." He chuffed, struggling with his words. "Anyway. I just wanted you to know, I'm going to back off, okay? Everything must be confusing as all get out if you're not used to... I'm just going to stop. I mean... if you ever want to... Well, you know I'm interested, so it's up to you." The younger man's cheeks were a bright red as he spoke.

For a few moments, Carlisle didn't have a cognizant thought. There was some relief in him - for a problem to take care of itself was always easier - but there was more dread.

"I don't think..." Carlisle began slowly, looking over each word before he spoke, "that's going to work for me."

Jasper's head shot up. "What?"

Carlisle swallowed hard. His mouth was completely dry, his heart thudding so hard against his chest it was physically uncomfortable.

"If you leave it up to me, just up to me, I don't think we'll get anywhere." His voice shook a little, but it was reasonably steady.

"What are you saying?" There was a hope in his voice that Carlisle knew he was going to regret putting there if things went badly.

So he thought again, turning over his options. They could walk away from this now...

"I don't know what I'm saying, which I realize isn't fair," Carlisle said finally. "I don't know what I want, and I don't know that I'm..." he searched for the right word, "prepared to know what you want. But I don't want to forget any of this."

Jasper's lips quirked up and down as he processed this, but he settled on a serious expression, leaning across the table a bit. "So it's play it by ear then."

"If that's something you can be okay with."

"Yeah." Jasper's smile was wider then. "Yeah, I can definitely work with that."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Soooo that happened.
> 
> What do you think. What's gonna happen next?! SOMEONE ASK THE AUTHOR. Oh wait...


	11. Catch and Release

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Huge thanks to naeleny and jessypt without whose handholding I might not have gotten through this chapter at all.

Time passed.

Samantha, with the help of her family - and no small amount of effort from Jasper - got better, stronger. Edward and Bella found out they were having a boy and decided to name him Jonathan. Jasper continued to do well with his anger management classes, and continued to impress his parole officer.

Jasper.

Despite their conversation a couple weeks before, where Carlisle specifically remembered telling him he didn't have to back off, Jasper had hardly come near him. It was frustrating.

At least the mystery of the unnamed tension between them was solved. Carlisle could now very positively identify it as sexual tension.

 _Unresolved_ sexual tension.

It was driving Carlisle more than a little insane.

Whenever he saw the younger man, there was a perceptible shift in the atmosphere. He was hyper aware of everything - the way his clothes hugged the musculature of his chest, the way his eyes always held Carlisle's for a beat longer than necessary.

They exchanged stilted conversation, not quite comfortable; as if there was a whole other dialogue happening in the silence between words. If their hands, arms, anything brushed, Carlisle felt a spark, an awareness.

But beyond that, nothing had happened between them.

Now, Carlisle felt tense all the time, like he was waiting even when the other man wasn't with him. And the fantasies...

Carlisle had repressed his own sexual urges for so long, the fantasies were foreign to him at first. He wasn't at all used to the clandestine images, thoughts... even the memory of touch, scent. They were flashes at first, occurring when his mind was idle for a moment. But gradually they became more insistent on attention.

Gradually, they took over whole minutes of his time, distracted him.

And made him more than a little edgy.

"Dr. Cullen?"

Carlisle's head snapped up. Nurse Cope was approaching with some paperwork he'd signed just about half an hour before. "Yes?"

"I thought you might want to recheck this prescription you wrote for Mr. Varner," she said carefully.

Carlisle took the paperwork, looking over the order. He balked when he realized what he'd done.

Mr. Varner's medications had to be monitored carefully. Too much of one and his liver might give out. Too much of another and it would be his heart. The dosage Carlisle had put in for would have knocked out the man's kidneys in a matter of days.

Double checking the paperwork again, Carlisle wrote out the right prescription. He handed it back to Nurse Cope and then covered his eyes with one hand, pinching the bridge of his nose with the other.

"Are you okay, Doctor?" the nurse asked, her voice gentle. "You've seemed very stressed recently. Are your brother and his family-"

"They're fine. Just fine," Carlisle said quickly, shortly. He had no idea why he was so irritated at the poor woman. He was irritable in general.

The woman hummed. "Something with your stepson bothering you then?"

Carlisle turned her head to her so quick, the tendons of his neck snapped audibly. He winced, rubbing the sore spot. "Why would you think that?"

Nurse Cope looked at him like he was missing something obvious. "Well, he's had all those legal problems lately."

"Right." Carlisle laughed wryly, mostly at himself for being so jumpy. "All things considered, that's going well."

She studied him closely, making Carlisle want to squirm. "Something else is going on with Jasper then."

"Everything's fine," Carlisle snapped. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself when the look on the nurse's face registered shock.

"Listen, Doctor... Carlisle, it's obvious you're under some kind of stress. Everyone needs to vent now and again." She made a face. "Hopefully before you kill someone," she said as lightly as those words were capable of being said.

Carlisle stared straight forward, sightless. He ran his hands through his hair, restless and guilty. He took another measured breath. "My shift's over," he said quietly. "I'll take the weekend to get my head on straight. Thank you for the catch."

_**~0~** _

Nurse Cope's observations only made Carlisle's distraction worse.

He was not entirely oblivious to the way his staff - particularly the female portion - spoke of him. Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Young. Handsome. A family man at heart. He'd heard whispers of what a shame it was that his wife - so much older than he - couldn't give him a family of his own.

Of course, with Esme, a family had never been the point. They were two lonely people in want of love and acceptance. That Esme taught Carlisle how to love on a whole different level was just a wonderful bonus.

It occurred to him that all his adult life, Carlisle held his colleagues' opinion in the highest regard. His colleagues and his brother.

What would they think if his romantic interest was a man? If that man were his dead wife's son?

Somewhere along the line, he'd traded his want of his father's good opinion for his colleagues.

It shouldn't matter, but it did. All his thoughts, what he wanted to do in general and with Jasper in particular, made him extremely nervous.

And to top it all off, he was confused. For months, Jasper had been in his bubble space. He'd said himself he'd wanted to kiss Carlisle, though admittedly not the way it had gone down.

Yet now that the air was clearer between them, Jasper was suddenly not interested. Could it be that it was just the thrill of the chase? Or maybe Jasper had liked getting him all riled up, liked seeing him lose control. Once the ability to do that had been taken away from him...

Carlisle felt a twitch of irritation and, if he were being truthful, hurt.

He was drawn out of his thoughts when Bella put her finger between his eyebrows. When he looked up, her head was tilted, her expression mockingly glum.

"You look like Edward." She smiled at him, sitting up straighter. "What's wrong?" Before he could answer, she wagged her finger in his face. "And don't say nothing. I know that face."

Carlisle contemplated for a moment, reflecting that Bella wasn't so unlike Esme. If there was anyone who might listen without judgment, it was her.

His eyes fell on the pleasing bulge at her middle and rather than answer, he looked at her questioningly. She nodded at him, and he shaped his hand to the little protrusion. Instantly, he felt more peaceful.

What good was his anger, anyway? It was better to dwell on beautiful things like this new life growing in his dear sister's belly and his brother and niece's laughter down the hall.

"It's not important," he murmured in answer to her question. "In the scheme of things, it's not important at all." This was another reason he'd never flinched at giving up his sexuality. It seemed to only make things endlessly more complicated. He had too much to be thankful for to whine about how much he longed for a kiss, a caress.

"Nothing is important in the scheme of things." Bella studied him. "You know, Carlisle... for what it's worth, I think you'll be a great dad someday."

Carlisle smiled at her, his chest expanding at the idea. He couldn't help but remember Jasper rolling around with the children on Samantha's birthday.

It was a nice idea - the thought of having a family.

And it was one that invariably invited thoughts of intimacy - sex - one way or another.

He withdrew his hand with a sigh and smiled at his sister again. "You never know what hand fate will deal you."

_**~0~** _

Carlisle was bone weary, completely drained of energy both physically and mentally, by the time he returned home. The events of the day were weighing on him, his heavy thoughts vacillating between the man he might have killed today, the conundrum Jasper presented, and his own loneliness. The latter two made him feel all the guiltier about the former.

Desolate, he sat for nearly half an hour in the darkness of the living room, going over what patients he remembered from the last few days. The possibility of mistakes Nurse Cope hadn't caught haunted him.

He might have sat there longer except Jasper came home, flipping the lights on automatically. He threw himself down in the armchair before he noticed Carlisle sitting there. "Gah!" he exclaimed. "What the fuck are you doing sitting there in the dark?"

Instantaneously, Carlisle's anger flickered - embers on kindling. He took a long, slow breath, trying to find his calm.

Not seeming to necessitate an answer, Jasper recovered first. "So, um... how was your day?"

More stilted conversation. A breath to stoke the fire.

"I think I'm going to get something to drink." Perhaps apple cider, he thought. Something hot. Soothing. Something that would chase away the chill that had replaced the heat in his blood.

He was aware of Jasper's eyes following him across the room, aware of the calculating look on the other man's face.

So it shouldn't have been a surprise when Jasper followed him into the kitchen.

"What's the matter with you?" Jasper persisted. "I asked how your day was."

"It was fine," Carlisle answered, his tone flat.

Jasper studied him for a moment before he huffed. "What the hell happened? You kill a patient or something?"

Maybe it was because he hit so close to home or maybe it was his flippant tenor, either way, Carlisle was at the end of his rope. "How can you treat human life so carelessly?"

The other man's eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?"

Carlisle just turned around, taking his cup out of the microwave, and walked back into the living room.

Jasper grabbed his arm to stop him. "You got something to say, you say it."

"Careful!" Carlisle hissed as Jasper's hard jerk made his scalding hot beverage splash. He set it down so it wouldn't injure either of them. "I have not had a good day," he said tightly. "I don't have the inclination to speak with you right now."

"You're pissed at me," Jasper surmised. "You don't think I deserve to know why?"

"Maybe you should think back to the last true conversation we had and maybe you can figure it out. You're a smart boy."

Again, Jasper's eyes narrowed. "You mean when you decided it wouldn't work for you to let me back off?"

There was a bitterness to his voice that gave Carlisle pause.

"Well it turns out I decided you don't get to dictate what I feel and what I do, okay?" His voice dripped with sarcasm, masking something else.

Carlisle was frozen, suddenly very sure his assumption had been way off target. "Where is this coming from?"

Jasper ran his hand through his blond hair restlessly. "I got confused about what I wanted, what I  _should_ want. I had Peter on the phone telling me he wanted to fight. To  _fight_ for me. Not to make me do all the work."

He paced a couple of steps back and forth, his words tumbling out quickly. "And I get it. I do. It's confusing as hell to begin with, not to mention the number your dad did on your head. I'm not without sympathy. But I figure you're over thirty years old. You made yourself a decent - a more than decent - guy despite what he taught you. You did well for yourself, you put yourself through med-school, became an amazing doctor, a pillar of the community and all that."

Suddenly, Jasper strode forward getting right in Carlisle's face, so close... kissably close. "So I gotta figure," Jasper continued, his words slower now, "you want something bad enough, you know how to work for it. And I know I'm worth working for."

Jasper's passionate words had all the effect of a general's rallying war cry. Adrenaline rushed through his veins, and Carlisle pressed forward, right into Jasper's personal space, pulling himself up to his full height. Jasper took a step back, his expression cautious, but Carlisle stepped with him.

Because Jasper was right: he was worth fighting for.

And dammit, whether Carlisle was ready for it or not, this was his battle to be won.

Reaching out, he gripped Jasper's shirt in both his fists, stopping the other man's retreat, pulling him forward instead, capturing him in a hard kiss.

For a moment, Carlisle was apprehensive, because wasn't this where they'd started before? Wasn't this exactly what had happened, what had set them on a destructive path?

But this kiss wasn't domineering or really aggressive. It was an insistent kiss, a serious kiss, because he was sure this was what he wanted even if he was terrified of getting it. He let his hands slip upward, cupping Jasper's face gently even though his kiss was still a little fervent.

Jasper made a little moaning noise at the back of his throat before he stumbled backward, bringing Carlisle with him. When he was pressed up against the wall, he wrapped his arms around Carlisle's neck, responding to his kisses in kind.

They kissed like this, like their lives depended on it, until the need to breathe took priority.

Carlisle lifted his head, his eyes locked with Jasper's. The adrenaline had faded, making the terror he felt harder to ignore. But Jasper was watching him, his expression somehow just as vulnerable though for different reasons.

For seconds that were eons, they panted, searching each other, breathing in their mingled hot air.

Slowly, working on an instinct that had long been dormant in him, Carlisle tilted his head down, brushing Jasper's lips with his own.

These next kisses were slow and small. They were questioning because it had not escaped Carlisle's notice that Jasper had said he didn't know what he wanted.

 _Is this what you want?_ Carlisle asked with tiny pecks.

Jasper's answering kiss echoed the question.

And because even these little kisses were pure bliss, Carlisle could answer affirmative.

Stroking his fingers along the other man's chin, he lingered, letting his tongue press lightly where their lips were joined. With a sigh, Jasper let his mouth open, and Carlisle deepened the kiss. He shivered a little, reveling in the way Jasper's fingers felt in his hair.

Pulling back a little, Carlisle kissed him soft and sweet once, twice, before he paused. Jasper's eye's opened slowly, and he blinked as if in a daze. Unable to help himself, Carlisle pecked him one more time.

"I don't know how to do this," he mumbled, his lips so near Jasper's the words vibrated against his skin.

Jasper's answering chuckle was breathy. "Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that." He swallowed and kissed Carlisle - a little kiss. "You're making an awfully persuasive argument."

With Jasper's admission, Carlisle let go of his fears, his doubts, too wrapped up anyway in how good it felt to touch the other man without guilt.

It was almost too easy then to let his base emotions take over. Carlisle's confidence grew.

Curling his hands around Jasper's waist, he pulled them off the wall. It was definitely difficult to walk backward, particularly with his eyes closed. But he also didn't want to stop kissing Jasper, so he took his chances. His legs did hit the couch a little too fast, so when he sat, he brought the other man down on him heavily, knocking himself breathless.

Jasper laughed, straddling his lap and readjusting himself. Now it was him who took Carlisle's face in his hands.

Who knew how long they stayed like this. Given over to his instincts, Carlisle found himself utterly ravenous. It took no time at all before his hands were under Jasper's shirt, pressing against the muscles of his back, tracing his spine. Jasper made the most erotic little noises in response to his touch. That and the fact the younger man was on his lap - rubbing, grinding - was working Carlisle up quick.

"Can I touch you?" Jasper asked, panting. His hand were between them, his fingers hooked into the waistline of Carlisle's slacks - which really were getting too tight.

"No."

Carlisle had to smirk when he saw Jasper's face fall.

His hands were firm around Jasper, holding him steady so that when he stood, the other man didn't tumble.

Some part of Carlisle was astounded his hands were so absolutely steady, his posture confident, even though his heart was threatening to pound right out of his chest. He reached forward, kissing Jasper as he popped open the button of his jeans. "I think," he began between kisses, "if I remember correctly. I owe you one."

Jasper muffled a whimper. He swallowed hard. "I'm not keeping score." His voice shook a little as he spoke. "And you don't have to do anything you-"

Carlisle silenced him with a kiss. "I want to," he rumbled. "If you'll let me." He pushed Jasper's jeans so they fell in a puddle on the floor and moved his hand to cup him over his boxers.

Jasper's laugh was shaky. "Um. Not going to say no."

"Good." Carlisle was a little mesmerized by the heat, the hardness under his palm. With his other hand, he pushed Jasper back down on the couch and dropped to his knees.

"Oh, Christ," the younger man moaned, lifting his hips so Carlisle could pull his boxers down.

Carlisle circled Jasper's length in both his hands, aroused by the way it felt and the little noises the other man made. He looked up, finding Jasper's eyes wide, intent, and eager on him. He reached out, running his fingers through Carlisle's hair.

As a doctor, Carlisle was sufficiently aware of the human body. As a man, he had done this before, and he remembered being fairly good at it. Though fairly good to two horny teenage boys might have been an unfair definition.

Learn by doing, though.

So Carlisle lowered his head, closing his lips around the tip of Jasper's cock.

Jasper's gasps, his whines, his nonsensical mutterings, were just as titillating as anything Carlisle was doing. Heat and want boiled in his veins, his desire at a level Carlisle couldn't remember ever feeling before. He writhed with it. He let his want dictate the movement of his lips over Jasper's cock, let his tongue communicate the filthy things he wanted to say, promise all the things he wanted to do to the younger man.

When Jasper tugged at his shirt, Carlisle backed off, keeping his hand stroking the base of his cock as he looked up.

"Off," Jasper muttered, tugging at his shirt again.

Carlisle let him pull his shirt off and then leaned back down again.

"Fuck. Babe. Your fucking mouth. Who the hell knew you would have such a talented mouth. Quiet motherfucker. It's always the quiet ones," Jasper babbled irrationally. He groaned when Carlisle passed the pad of his finger between his balls. "Ah, hell."

Jasper's hands on the bare skin of his shoulders, the way his fingers pressed into his skin with urgency, squeezing, were driving Carlisle crazy.

He sucked and stroked and when Jasper came, he swallowed.

For just a few moments, they were both still - well, Jasper was as still as his heaving chest allowed - staring at each other. The flush of Jasper's skin, his satisfied, wide grin, gave Carlisle an odd sense of pride, elation, and... yes. Pleasure. A pleasure that ran deep, that made him crave more.

That made him  _need_ it.

Panting, Jasper tugged on Carlisle's ear. When he sat beside him, Jasper attacked him with voracious, passionate kisses. Caught by surprise, Carlisle's gasp was smothered by Jasper's lips.

Time seemed to blur, or his thoughts became nonsensical. Somehow, his pants ended up around his ankles, and Jasper's nude body was rubbing against his, riding him while he kissed him breathless.

It took no time at all for him to come.

They kissed slower then and eventually meandered up the stairs, falling asleep with their legs and arms tangled up with each other.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ahem.
> 
> AGHHGHGHGHGHGHG #)($$*%)(*()*#(%)*#($)#*$#(#$&$#&
> 
> Okay. I'm fine. I can breathe. Yeah. I'm alive. Sort of. Almost.
> 
> Ew.
> 
> Okay. Yes. Phew.
> 
> SO. Those boys suck at talking, yes?
> 
> How are we doing, lovelies?


	12. The Talk Sort Of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yeah. I was forced to write YET AGAIN about the FALSEHOOD about Carlisle's bits. See. I don't believe he has definition. But I was FORCED to write otherwise. Oye.

Carlisle was not a very good sleeper on the best days.

Esme used to say his head was too full. His thoughts only gave him a few hours respite at a time before they were buzzing about his head, keeping him awake.

He'd never awoken quite like this.

He was nude and slightly sticky, his body covered as it was in a sheen of sweat... and a twenty-one year old man.

Jasper's weight was solid on his chest - not unpleasant, but definitely radiating heat.

In the quiet of the night, with all his adrenaline drained and passion cooled for the moment, all Carlisle's fears and worries were buzzing around in his head making it impossible to sleep.

Too many questions, most of which he needed the man currently contentedly asleep in his arms to answer. He toyed briefly with shaking the younger man awake, but that seemed rude. He thought fleetingly of waking him by other, more pleasant means, but quickly grew too shy at the idea.

So he laid awake, stewing, his fingers making idle trails through Jasper's long, sweat-dampened hair.

Before he assaulted Jasper with questions about what he wanted, it was only fair to examine his own desires.

It was disconcerting how quickly he'd gone from being entirely oblivious about his attraction to Jasper to being... well... besotted.

Carlisle knew himself at least well enough to understand his actions toward Jasper weren't merely physical. It was the physical expression he had no construct for, and that was why they'd met with such disastrous results.

He knew how to care for another person, to express affection with word and deed.

Somewhere along the line, he'd fallen for Jasper without even realizing it.

Again Peter's words echoed in Carlisle's head, but he wondered how accurate they were. Was Jasper really in love with him, or was this a dalliance borne of a long held obsession? The forbidden fruit always did taste the sweetest.

Carlisle was somewhat surprised how much that thought ached - that this wasn't meaningful to Jasper. Carlisle couldn't deny he was scared to death of all these changes, but that didn't mean he wanted to brush it all under the table as a fast fuck.

Or fast blow job. Whatever.

Jasper made a small sighing, snuffling sound and stirred a little. As nervous as he was, Carlisle couldn't help but smile. It was a peaceful sound, and he liked the way Jasper's head shifted, like he found comfort in his unorthodox pillow.

He was a beautiful man, Carlisle considered. He traced the pad of a single finger about Jasper's full, slightly pouted lips. He was a little startled when Jasper's mouth opened, and he took Carlisle's finger in, sucking lightly.

Looking down, Carlisle watched, fascinated, as his eyelashes fluttered revealing warm, hooded eyes. His throat got tight as his finger was fully enveloped in Jasper's slick, hot mouth.

Slowly, his eyes still intent on Carlisle, Jasper began to stroke up and down his side, his fingers tickling and titillating.

Releasing his finger, Jasper shifted, tangling their legs together. He began pressing tiny, sleepy kisses to Carlisle's chest, stopping to flick his tongue over his nipple. The older man's breath stuttered, his hands shaky as they caressed the skin of Jasper's neck.

The younger man paused and then lifted head. He stared for a moment. "You're freaking out a little bit, aren't you?" he asked finally, his voice alluringly scratchy.

Carlisle opened his mouth to deny it, but no sound came out.

Jasper straightened up, readjusting himself so he was laying beside Carlisle instead of mostly on top of him. There was a twinkle in his eye as he smiled. "Maybe we could stand to do with some more talking before..." he gestured around them.

Carlisle let out a gust of breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He banged his head back against his pillow, chuckling wryly. "I'm sorry," he said, his tone quiet, bordering on ashamed. "I wish I had your confidence."

"Well, my confidence was a learned behavior, and I didn't have the background you did."

"Still. It seems a little ridiculous." Carlisle turned his head, studying the other man's face, his beautiful features, in the increasingly brighter light of day. "I don't regret last night. At all." This seemed like the more important thing to get across.

Jasper's grin broadened. "Good. That makes two of us." Slowly, he reached a hand up, smoothing Carlisle's hair back. "You can talk to me."

Feeling foolish and too nervous, Carlisle's natural tact escaped him for a moment, and one of the millions of inane to life-altering thoughts tumbled out before he could stop it. "Are you doing this to get back at your mother?"

Jasper's body stiffened visibly, his eyes narrowing.

"I'm sorry," Carlisle said again. "That came out wrong."

"My mother is dead." Jasper's tone is flat.

"So is my father, but that didn't stop me from doing things I knew would piss him off," Carlisle returned.

Jasper glared at him. "Are  _you_ doing this to get back at my mother?"

Carlisle blinked, shocked and a little hurt by the implication. "What do I have to be angry at her about? Almost the entire time I knew her, I knew she was going to die."

"She still left you," Jasper muttered, sounding bitter. He took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm angry at her for leaving. And I'm... pissed as hell that you both kept her illness a secret from me."

"That wasn't my choice," Carlisle said quietly. "It was one of the only things we ever argued about - her not telling you. I didn't agree at all, but it was what she wanted."

Jasper hummed in acknowledgement, and they were both silent for a minute, processing.

"To answer your question... what's happening between you and me has nothing to do with my mother," Jasper finally answered.

"Are you sure? Because, psychologically speaking-"

"I'm sure," Jasper snapped.

He sat up, pulling the sheet with him as if he were a little cold. He folded his knees up to his chest and stared forward, looking about as nervous as Carlisle typically felt. "I guess you deserve to hear this story," Jasper muttered, running a restless hand through his hair.

Carlisle rolled onto his side, a little apprehensive about what could have Jasper so shaken.

"Okay. You've always done some mentoring for troubled kids here and there," Jasper stated, not asking. "Well, four years ago - before I broke my leg and therefore before you met my mother - I knew you. We mentored at the same place. I was trying to be impressive for my college application; you were just being you - a great guy."

Carlisle sucked in a breath. "I... I don't remember you at all."

Jasper didn't look at him but he smirked. "I know. I was... shy around you, if you can believe it." He rolled his eyes, looking down at Carlisle. "I mean, can you blame me? I was a seventeen year old kid. You were this sexy doctor. So far out of my league. I'd watch you with that boy you used to mentor. "Alec, right?"

"That's right," Carlisle murmured, a little stunned.

"Week after week, while I was with my kid, I was watching you with yours." He shrugged, looking a little uncomfortable. "It really wasn't fair. You were amazing with him. Kind and patient even when he didn't deserve it. Hell,  _especially_ when he didn't deserve it. I saw the way he tried to get under your skin, tried to push you away like he did everyone else, but you weren't having it."

He shifted a little, still staring sightlessly, a small smile playing at his lips. "I got a little obsessed," he admitted. "I didn't know how you could ever like a kid like me... but then I got to convincing myself. We aren't that far apart in age, all things considered. I really didn't mesh well with the high school crowd anyway."

His smile somewhat sardonic, he looked down at Carlisle. "I had a plan. I had every intention of seducing you in another couple of months when I turned eighteen."

Carlisle was completely astonished. "But then you broke your leg..." he surmised.

"Then I broke my leg," Jasper said wryly. "And you married my mother. And if the world was fair, that would have been enough to break my crush. But it wasn't. It only got worse when I was more... exposed to you."

He took a deep breath and laid down on his side so they were face to face again. "So there's the whole truth. I've been in love with you for longer than you've known I existed."

Though he was noticeably trying to keep his tone light, there was a tinge around the edge that was vulnerable. Carlisle could see it in the other man's eyes - how much it cost him to let go of this secret.

He didn't know what to say. He wished he had known at the time, but then again, how different things would be. If he'd known of Jasper's attraction from the get go, he might have made sure his relationship with Esme and her son remained nothing but professional; he might not have ever gotten to know her as a friend, let alone a lover. And without Esme's guidance, he might still be where he had been before they met: entirely sexually repressed.

And then, if Jasper had been able to carry out his plan to seduce Carlisle, could it have worked? An eighteen year old boy might not have had the insight and patience to see what Esme saw, to help him the way Esme had.

Raising his hand, Carlisle cupped Jasper's face, stroking his cheek with his thumb as he considered all this.

"So you and me..." he began slowly, swallowing hard because this conversation was not easy for him. "This is serious to you."

Jasper's breath was a little shaky, but he reached out, resting his arm around Carlisle's side. "That's what I want. That's what I've always wanted," he said in a low tone. He bit his lip before he started to babble. "I mean, I know this is new, so we don't have to be serious-serious. Even though we're technically already moved in together." He laughed nervously. "We can still... If you're more comfortable with-"

Leaning in, Carlisle silenced his babble with a soft, slow kiss.

Instantly, Jasper relaxed, sighing into Carlisle's mouth. Carlisle felt his tongue against his bottom lip and let his mouth open.

This was the reconnection he needed. Again, most of his worries faded, replaced by an ever encroaching desire. There were still things to figure out, things to talk about, but the more important questions were out of the way. All their past baggage was laid bare for the other to see.

And neither of them were running.

It was a good place to be considering where they'd stared.

As they kissed, Carlisle hesitated a moment, uncertain until he recalled Jasper's face the previous evening, the pleasure he'd been able to bring the younger man. The memory emboldened him enough that he let his fingers trail down Jasper's chest. He skimmed them lightly over his taut belly, making Jasper gasp, before he traced the line of his length.

Jasper broke their kiss but only moved his lips to Carlisle's neck, shifting so their legs were tangled and his cock was pressing up against his palm. His own hands were busy following the line of Carlisle's spine down, down until he was cupping his ass, kneading roughly, needy.

If Jasper was trying to rile him up, his actions had the desired effect. At his touch, the way his body brushed up against his, Carlisle's hunger was stoked. He took more firm hold of Jasper's cock, stroking while his other hand drifted between his legs to cup his balls.

With his lips against his neck, Jasper's answering groan vibrated through Carlisle's whole body. They shifted again, and Jasper's hands wrapped around Carlisle's cock, making his body jolt.

Jasper kissed his way back up to Carlisle's lips, his eyes open but hazy.  
Like this, their eyes and and hands on each other, they stroked together. Their lips were open, constantly brushing, their kisses open-mouthed as they panted. They were in tune with each other, bodies responding, legs tangling, in time.

Just before he came, Carlisle grunted the words he'd been unable to say before, hoping they meant as much even in the height of passion.

Hoping Jasper understood.

"I love you, too."

Jasper's answer was a loud, wordless cry as he jerked in Carlisle's hand, and they came together.

When Carlisle could open his eyes again, he could see Jasper was grinning even as he tried to catch his breath. The younger man leaned forward, kissing him soundly.

"Sleep?" Jasper asked when they'd cleaned up a bit. "It's still too fucking early."

Carlisle smiled. "Yeah."

They moved until Jasper's chest pressed against Carlisle's back, his arm slung low around his waist, his lips pressing occasionally to Carlisle's neck until they fell asleep.

_**~0~** _

"What's wrong with your neck?"

Trust Edward to notice.

Self-conscious, Carlisle rubbed his neck. Jasper had a healthy growth of stubble on his chin when he'd been kissing on him earlier that day. Apparently, Carlisle's skin was sensitive.

He cleared his throat, musing inwardly. It seemed like today was a day for difficult conversations.

Of course, when his last conversation ended, he had a boyfriend. He was still a little flabbergasted by that fact but not as intimidated as he could have been.

And his brother loved him, of that Carlisle had no doubt. As apprehensive as he was about letting Edward in on what had been going on these last months, he had to trust the world wasn't going to end.

Even if his psyche was screaming about danger ahead.

"I need to talk to you about something," he said finally.

Edward studied him. "Is this about why you had to turn our breakfast into a lunch?" he asked, eyebrow raised.

The corner of Carlisle's mouth turned up. "As a matter of fact..."

"Damn," Edward slammed his palm down on the table hard enough Carlisle jumped, staring at his brother in surprise and alarm. Edward laughed. "No. It's just, Bella bet me you were seeing someone. I told her she was insane." He cocked his head, looking at Carlisle. "You are, aren't you?"

Carlisle had to swallow hard to force down the lump in his throat enough that he could speak. "Yes."

Edward smiled gently, genuinely. "Good. That's a good thing."

"You think?"

"I really do." He looked serious for a moment. "You know, after Esme died, I worried you were going to retreat back to where you were before. You were lonely, Carlisle."

Carlisle nodded, unable to deny that. He didn't know how lonely he'd been before Esme came along and pointed it out to him. He'd been so starved for affection.

"You look guilty." Edward's tone held a hint of warning. "Don't go there. You know Esme wanted you to be happy. Maybe the timing is a little fast, but these things aren't something you could or should predict."

"The timing is a little fast," Carlisle repeated. "But..." This was very difficult. "Edward, what if the person I'm seeing is Jasper?"

His brother gave a little laugh. "Yeah, right." When Carlisle looked down at the table, Edward gasped. "You're kidding. I mean... Whoa."

Carlisle felt a little dizzy, his lungs suddenly too tight to breathe comfortably.

"No," Edward said quickly. "It's not... It's just... I mean... How?"

At that, Carlisle had to smile a little. Edward was normally such an eloquent man.

"The whole story is... complicated," he said slowly, raising his head.

"Well, obviously." Edward ruffled his hair. "We are talking about the same Jasper, right? The one who punched you and all that? Esme's son... Jasper."

"Yes."

Edward sat back in his seat. "Okay. Tell me."

Taking a deep breath, Carlisle told him most everything that had happened.

When he was done, both men were silent. Edward had his head turned toward outside. He appeared to be watching the traffic go by. Carlisle waited, trying to pretend he didn't want to squirm in anticipation of his brother's reaction.

"It makes a lot of sense," Edward said finally.

Carlisle huffed and then he laughed, completely shocked. "It makes sense?"

"Quite a lot when you really think about it." Edward folded his arms and leaned across the table, a thoughtful expression on his face. "I've gotten to know Jasper a lot better these last few months. He's not who I thought he was."

"No?"

"Not at all, and that's a good thing. It makes sense, now, the way he acted before. He was a hurt, jealous young kid." Edward tapped on the table, putting it all together in his head. "But I've seen him with Sammy and even with Bella. He's actually very in tune with other people - what they need, emotionally. He knows when to back off and when to push. I think that takes a very aware, intuitive person."

Edward looked up, smiling at Carlisle. "He's a lot like you, now that I think about it. Very comforting. Very compassionate. And that's what you need."

"How's that?"

Now it was Edward's turn to look down at the table. "I recognize how much I've leaned on you all my life," he began slowly. "You're always looking out for other people, Carlisle, but you've never had anyone look out for you. Esme did, and it was enlightening to me, the difference it made in you."

Carlisle had to smile though his heart ached for Esme.

"I think Jasper could be that for you. He has the capacity, and he has the maturity," Edward said. He grinned. "Not that you need it, but you definitely have my blessing."

Carlisle laughed. "That actually means a lot to me." He looked up. "And the age difference?"

Edward snorted. "What did I tell you when you married Esme?"

"It doesn't bother you if it doesn't bother me," Carlisle supplied.

"Exactly. Same goes."

A huge weight lifted from Carlisle's shoulders and he felt like he could breathe deep for the first time in a long time. "Thank you, Edward," he said again.

He was beginning to see a very bright future unravel in front of him.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: One more chapter and then an epi and we are done with this story. WOW.
> 
> Thank you to jessypt, naeleny, and barburella for handholding. And twitter for cheering me on when I was DYING.
> 
> Next chapter WILL kill me... There will be... *gulp* SEX.


	13. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To barburella for putting up with me day after day... which means she deserves this, and FarDareisMai2 … who somehow got her wish even though she doesn't let me yell at her as much as I yell at barburella... but I do love her!

It had been an exhausting day.

Most days, Carlisle reveled in his choice to be a doctor. In a way, it was the biggest "fuck you" he could ever give his father. Anthony had cursed him as lazy - Carlisle worked his ass off every day. Anthony called him wicked - Carlisle lived his life by his the oath he'd sworn to harm none and had been, for the most part, successful. He'd saved lives. Surely, even if there were some truth to what Anthony had said - and no part of Carlisle actually believed it - the fact he lived his life for the greater good had to be worth something no matter with whom he shared his bed.

Carlise was not worthless, as Anthony had accused him of being more than once.

He strove to be a source of good in the world.

Sometimes, though, his job made him face evils he'd rather forget existed. Today had been one evil after another, and for the most part, evil had won.

Luckily, there was no one who could calm him down, ease his sorrows, quite like Jasper.

The last five months or so with Jasper had been a revelation to Carlisle. He never would have guessed he could feel so alive - so passionate. There was much passion in his life now.

But more than passion, Jasper was in tune with most of his emotional needs. The man gave hugs that could easily rival Emmett's.

And, well... there were definitely perks besides the hugs.

Carlisle thought they might start with the hug, though. He could use a long cuddle.

As he entered the house, he almost called for Jasper but heard the water running. He quickly revised his plans, already imagining the hot water easing his tense muscles... and Jasper, his hands braced on the cool tiles as rivulets ran down the lines of his body.

Caught up in his little fantasy, Carlisle almost didn't see the official-looking letter on the end table at the bottom of the stairs. He picked it up. Instantly, his weariness tripled, and his irritation flared. "G'dammit, Jasper," he muttered under his breath.

Rather than head upstairs, Carlisle headed to the kitchen to put on a kettle for tea and a pot for coffee. This was going to be another long discussion.

Like any relationship, Carlisle and Jasper were not without their problems. Jasper was a wonderful man but not a perfect one by a long shot. Chief among Carlisle's complaints - the younger man was maddeningly irresponsible when it came to money.

He was paying down the fines he owed the court, and that was something.

Still, the letter on the table indicated that not only had Jasper gotten a speeding ticket some months before and failed to tell Carlisle about it, but he was delinquent in paying for it. That he'd left it for Carlisle to find doubtlessly meant he needed help paying it off.

And Carlisle would. Jasper couldn't get in trouble with the law again - particularly not so soon.

Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose, taking deep breaths as he heard Jasper descend the stairs. He waited. Jasper's footsteps paused in the doorway to the kitchen. He imagined the contrite expression on his lover's face and didn't turn around.

He closed his eyes when he felt Jasper's presence behind him, his warm hand against his neck. "Don't be mad, babe," Jasper murmured, drawing his fingers through the short hairs at the nape of his neck.

His words irritated Carlisle enough that the pleasant shivers his touch elicited were somewhat dampened. He breathed in again to keep his voice steady. "Don't be mad? If you didn't want me to be mad, this was something you should have told me about when it happened."

Behind him, Jasper sighed. "You were stressed at work. I didn't want to add to it."

"I'm still stressed at work," Carlisle retorted. "I have a stressful job. You don't think it's worse, after the day I had, to come home to this? You realize if they put a warrant out for your arrest, you will be in much bigger trouble."

"What happened today?" Jasper's voice was all concern, his hand squeezing gently where Carlisle's shoulder met his neck.

With a frustrated sigh, Carlisle reached back, wrapping his hand around Jasper's wrist and pulling him from behind him. "Don't change the subject. Sit down."

Grumbling a little, Jasper sat in the chair next to him, facing him. "Don't make this a bigger deal than it needs to be." He ruffled his hair, looking sheepish. "It was just a stupid ticket because I answered a call without thinking-"

Carlisle balked. "You what? This is a ticket because you were on your cell phone while driving?"

Jasper grimaced. "You see? This is why I didn't tell you. I knew you were going to overreact." The younger man knew very well Carlisle's feelings on the matter. How could he help it? At the hospital, many of the car accident victims that were brought in - twisted, mangled - were there because someone was texting or talking on the phone while driving.

"After seeing what Sammy went through because someone answered their phone-" Carlisle began, but Jasper cut him off.

"I know," he said, his voice raised. "It was a fluke, okay? My phone rang, I picked it up, put it back down in five seconds, but a cop saw me. I had every intention of getting it taken care of."

"But then?" Carlisle prompted.

Jasper grimaced again, looking down. "But then it slipped my mind," he mumbled.

"And now you need me to get you out of trouble," Carlisle concluded.

At least Jasper had the good sense to look appropriately abashed... for a minute. Then he smiled. "Well, you could always let me rot in jail." His voice had dropped down to a seductive tone, and he'd let his hand stray to Carlisle's knee, his fingers brushing his inner thigh. "But then you know someone else will be tapping this fine ass."

Carlisle's lips quirked up before he could help himself. His cock twitched, responding to Jasper's words and his touch.

Jasper was quite adept at acting first and apologizing later.

"Let me make it up to you," he invited, his hand climbing Carlisle's leg.

Carlisle was rather in the habit of letting Jasper get away with his apologies.

Today, though, the mixture of frustration from the long day he had, Jasper's maddening irresponsibility, and his annoyance at the younger man's repeated attempts to change the subject had Carlisle in a slightly less forgiving mood.

He was simply not inclined to give over control of his emotions; he wasn't ready to not be angry yet.

Standing, he towered over Jasper who was still sitting. The younger man's breath caught in his throat. He stared up, his eyes widening slightly. Carlisle reached down, grabbing both of his wrists and tugging Jasper to his feet.

The two men stared at each other for a moment, the atmosphere between them gaining that now familiar intensity, the heat.

And though Carlisle was angry, the emotion didn't scare him anymore. What he was about to do didn't scare him. Like any couple, their lovemaking came in all forms and fashions - a physical expression of the way they felt for each other. They were both strong-willed, passionate men. Sometimes their lovemaking was gentle, easy, equal. Other times, one or the other of them asserted control.

It was a give and take neither were uncomfortable with. For Carlisle, that he had a safe place to exert this aggressive side of him - the part of him he'd held back for so many years along with his passion - was a gift Jasper had given him.

Keeping firm hold of Jasper's wrists, he tugged the younger man toward him, kissing him hard, rough, demanding. Jasper gave a little groan, the sound vibrating against Carlisle's lips.

Carlisle broke the kiss with equal suddenness to how he began it. "I  _should_ let you take care of this yourself. I  _should_ let you spend some quality time behind bars. Maybe that would cure you of your carelessness."

Letting go of Jasper's wrists, he moved his hands to his pants - simple sweat pants - and tugged them down. As he'd expected, Jasper wasn't wearing anything underneath. He wrapped his fingers around the younger man's cock in a firm grip, making Jasper jerk and gasp.

He kissed him again, just as demanding, stroking his cock as he did. Again he broke the kiss, this time spinning Jasper around, pushing him forward. He bent over him as he did, pressing his chest to the younger man's back. "One day it's going to be something I can't bail you out of," he lectured, snaking his hand between them, running his fingers from the underside of Jasper's shaft all the way up to his asshole. He let his finger tease the other man's entrance.

Carlisle skimmed his nose along Jasper's neck, inhaling the scent of freshly clean skin and the man he loved. He was angry and frustrated, but he did love the younger man - more than he knew what to do with sometimes.

"I know. I am sorry," Jasper said, his voice a little breathless but contrite.

Carlisle dropped to his knees behind Jasper, spreading his nether cheeks and flicking his tongue against his asshole. The whine the other man made, the little groan at the back of his throat, went straight to Carlisle's groin, making him feel wild. Powerful. He fucked Jasper with his tongue, reaching around to take hold of Jasper's cock, feeling it grow hard in his hand.

When Jasper was a jabbering mess, Carlisle stood, smirking when the other man whimpered. "Please," he whispered.

"Please what?" Carlisle demanded, unbuckling his belt and sliding his pants down.

"Fuck me. Carlisle. Now. Please," Jasper begged.

His cock in his hand, Carlisle was happy to oblige this request. He eased his way inside Jasper, pushing his shirt up to kiss his back as he did, and began to move in and out at a quick pace, making the other man grunt with each thrust.

Reaching around to Jasper's chin, he forced his head to the side so he could press hard kisses to his cheek, trailing up to his ear. "You need. To be. More. Responsible," he said between pants. "Do you. Understand me?"

"Yes," Jasper groaned. "Fuck. Jesus."

The rhythm he set then was too fast, too hard to speak. There were just their mingled moans and the slap of their skin meeting. It was an incredible rush - this man surrounding him, the sound of their combined pleasure.

When they were both spent, Carlisle lay for a few moments with his head resting on Jasper's back as they both caught their breath. When he straightened, he brought Jasper with him, kissing him more gently now, soft, loving.

"I am sorry," Jasper mumbled against his lips. "Really."

Carlisle sighed, nuzzling his nose against Jasper's hairline. "I know," he murmured.

"Although, I gotta say... If this is the way you're going to act if I don't behave... it's not a very convincing argument to be good."

Rolling his eyes, Carlisle smacked Jasper's bare ass once, hard, making the younger man yelp.

Laughing, Jasper turned around, wrapping his arms around Carlisle's neck to resume their soft, slow kisses.

As they went upstairs, hand in hand, Carlisle had found his serene place, his happy place, and the frustrations of the day slipped away. They took a shower together - Carlisle teased Jasper about wasting water - simply kissing and touching each other, reaffirming their connection as they stood under the spray. Then they slipped into bed - still damp and nude.

They talked quietly, making the necessary plans to smooth over this latest mess.

"I don't know how you put up with me," Jasper said quietly. He was trying to sound nonchalant, but there was a worried edge to his tone. When he did things like this, a little of his confidence slipped.

Carlisle turned his head toward him, running the pads of his fingers over his cheek. "This habit of yours... it's not a deal breaker," he said thoughtfully. "You're not so impulsive. I think you just need help prioritizing. Your tastes aren't so extravagant that you'd get into any serious trouble." He gave him a hard look. "Aside from not paying tickets that could land you back in jail."

Jasper made a face. "Yeah." He sighed. "That was stupid."

"Well, your early twenties are supposed to be about making stupid mistakes," Carlisle said easily. "It would be nice if you start learning from them, though."

The younger man studied him for a moment, his expression contemplative. "You're a lot more zen than you were when you got home."

Carlisle hummed his agreement, looking up at the ceiling as he gathered his thoughts. "It's a relatively minor thing," he murmured, his voice quiet. "Today... Well. I know it can be so much worse than an unpaid ticket."

Rolling onto his side, Jasper began to smooth Carlisle's hair back. "Talk to me."

Enjoying the gentle touch, it was a moment before Carlisle spoke, part of him not wanting the ugliness of the day to intrude upon this peaceful moment. "We're very lucky," he said finally.

"I know that, but why exactly?" Jasper pressed.

With a soft sigh, Carlisle told him about his day - about how he'd tried to help a young man who had been raped and beaten and ultimately succumbed to his injuries. "His best friend's reaction, finding out he liked men," Carlisle explained.

Jasper shuddered and held Carlisle tighter.

And if that hadn't been enough, there was a young woman who came in, obviously suffering from physical abuse. Despite Carlisle's repeated attempts to get her to open up, his assurances that she could find the help she needed, she went home with her husband.

"My God," Jasper muttered. "It's no wonder you were wound so tight." He kissed Carlisle - tiny, apologetic kisses. "I'm so sorry to dump this on you after all that."

"I'm fine," Carlisle assured, kissing him back. True, Jasper would have given him a safe outlet to vent his frustrations regardless, but Carlisle had to admit - getting physical always left him in a better place. "As I said, we're very lucky."

" _I'm_ lucky," Jasper murmured. "I was always safe with my mother, where your father..."

"My father wasn't trying to kill me, regardless. And what's more important is the people in my life now accept who I am - Edward, Bella." He breathed in and out. "And you and I... we won't ever be like that other couple."

Jasper pushed himself up onto one arm so he could look Carlisle in the eyes. His expression was concerned. "Carlisle... you don't think that was ever a possibility, do you?"

Carlisle grimaced. "Our beginning was..."

"I remember. I was there. But, babe, that wasn't us in a relationship." He began to trace Carlisle's lips, his features, with the pad of a single finger. "Those kinds of relationships are about control of the other person. What was happening with us... that was about control over ourselves." He kissed him gently. "You and I didn't start until all that was handled."

Tugging softly on Jasper's hair, he pulled the younger man toward him. "You always know just what to say."

"I only speak the truth."

Conversation devolved into kisses, and they tangled together. Carlisle sighed, satisfied and happy. Here were the cuddles he'd wanted since he walked in the door.

Content, he must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew the ringing phone was jarring him awake. Jasper was wrapped around him, his arm snug about his waist. He grunted, tightening his grip when Carlisle tried to reach for the phone on the nightstand.

It was past three in the morning.

"Hello?" he answered, a little concerned.

"Carlisle?" Edward's voice was thin.

Carlisle sat up. "Is it time?"

"Yeah." Edward sounded breathless and scared out of his mind.

"I'll be right there."

"Good."

"And Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Breathe."

Edward's laugh was shaky. "Yeah. Okay."

Hanging up the phone, Carlisle turned to his sleepy lover. "We're having a baby?" Jasper asked with a yawn.

"Looks like."

Jasper's grin was wide and a little goofy. "Oh, good."

_**~0~** _

Jonathan Carl Cullen was born in the mid-morning, a blissfully uncomplicated labor and delivery compared to the trauma that had been his sister's birth.

That afternoon, when Bella was asleep and Edward had gone down to the lobby to bring Charlie and Samantha up, Carlisle and Jasper were alone for a moment with the baby. Carlisle cradled his new nephew, and Jasper leaned forward, his arm draped over his shoulder, his finger tracing the chubby little cheek.

A new life with an infinite amount of possibility. Little Jonathan would have his own challenges, his own battles, but he would always have a loving, accepting family.

"It's a good look on you, you know," Jasper murmured against his ear.

"What's that?" Carlisle asked, his eyes taking in every delicate feature of the tiny boy in his arms.

"You holding a baby."

Surprised, Carlisle turned to stare at his lover.

Jasper only looked calmly back. "You'll make a great father some day."

Slowly, Carlisle smiled, unable to stop himself from imagining a future where they would raise a family together. He'd seen Jasper with Sammy. He knew he would be a good father.

"Someday," Carlisle promised.

Once upon a time, Carlisle's life had been relatively free of love. Now, though his life was not without complication, he was surrounded by the emotion in all its forms.

He was a lucky man.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well. I hope you're all happy. I hope you're very satisfied. I am TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE. FOR. LIFE.
> 
> There will be an epilogue. There will be schmoopy, gratuitous sex in this epilogue. Then, I will erase the mere THOUGHT that Carlisle has a penis from my mind. Forever. .ER.
> 
> Thanks to barburella, jessypt, and shug for helping me out with this chapter. And much heart to all of you for tagging along.


	14. Epilogue: Once Upon A Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To the one, the only, barburella. Seriously. Stop accusing me of not loving you.
> 
> A/N: Oh, lovelies. Lovelies.
> 
> I am. SO. RELIEVED. This story is over.
> 
> I had a good time. I did. I mean, I wouldn't have written it if I didn't. Well.. let me stop rambling so you can read the official HEA.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy with the improbable name of Carlisle Cullen. Like all babies, he was sparked into existence by a man and a woman. This man and woman loved each other, and they took Carlisle home to raise him together. Some would say that made him luckier than many.

With his mother, Carlisle was lucky. She brought beauty and kindness to Carlisle's world. She was a gentle soul who passed that gentle manner on to her son. She loved him unconditionally, even when he was naughty.

But where his mother brought all the good things in the world, his father brought all the bad. Anthony Cullen had taught him fear and pain. This was the man who should have loved Carlisle the most, who was supposed to cherish and protect him.

After his mother died, gradually, the beauty and gentleness she brought all but died with her. The one exception was Carlisle's brother, Edward. Somehow, Carlisle knew it was his responsibility to bring that light and goodness his mother taught him to Edward's world.

So he took it on himself to make sure Edward was loved and protected. He cherished his little brother, giving him the love and affection that should have been Anthony's duty to provide. All the while, Carlisle's own world was all but devoid of positivity. He was falling quickly to a place where anger reigned supreme with its cohorts: fear, frustration, and sadness.

Despite Carlisle's best efforts, Edward struggled with his own anger and self worth. So when Edward found Bella and they had Sammy, Carlisle thought to himself he'd done good with his life. As a doctor, he thought he did some good in the world - good his father claimed he wasn't capable of.

It was a good life. It was a good story.

But this wasn't the story Carlisle told his baby daughter.

For Penelope Ann, he spun a beautiful fairytale. There were princesses and princes and fairies. And in the end, something ugly was turned into something beautiful - coal to diamonds, as it were.

Some day, he would tell her the story about how they - he and Jasper, her fathers - turned something that had once been twisted and ugly into the beautiful life they had together with her.

"Penny. Pretty Penny," Carlisle called lightly, leaning over her crib.

The little girl grumbled.

"She's asleep."

Carlisle turned, smiling when he found Jasper leaning in the doorway, watching him. He turned back toward Penny, stroking a strand of hair behind her ear before he stepped backward. As he expected, Jasper was there, wrapping his arms around Carlisle's waist. He pressed a soft kiss to his ear before he sighed contentedly.

"She's getting big," Jasper said wistfully.

Carlisle hummed his agreement. "Too big for that crib."

Jasper gave a little grumble. "Not that big."

"Big enough to climb out of it when she wants to." He chuckled, looking at their daughter fondly once more before he turned around in Jasper's arms. "You can't stop her from growing up."

Jasper pouted slightly. "Can't we slow it down? Just a little?"

Laughing again, Carlisle pressed a soft kiss to Jasper's lips.

In the seven years they'd been together, Jasper had changed. They had both changed, of course. Time did that - changed people. For them, they had changed for the better. Jasper had calmed quite a bit, lost the anger of his youth and grown into a young man with a steady head on his shoulders.

The biggest change in Carlisle was something he should have known since he was a child. He was worthy of love. He was worthy of a future where he was more than just an observer.

He had a life now. A good one.

Once, shortly before she died, Esme had stared at him, taking his face between her hands. "Your life isn't over," she said softly. "My life is over, and that's okay. I've done so many amazing things. I have a beautiful son. And you. You've given me a love I couldn't have known. But you? You were meant for more than you've let yourself had."

As Jasper tugged the door to Penelope's room closed, Carlisle realized this was what she was talking about: this was more.

More than just watching, making up for something he'd never done wrong. More than being a good brother, watching from the sidelines as Edward found the love he deserved, became a father, while Carlisle didn't think to look for the same things himself.

This life, shared now with a man who loved him, who cherished and protected him, was more.

Before they were even within the safety of their room, Carlisle was tugging at Jasper's shirt, kissing him with fast, hard, needy kisses.

"If I didn't know any better," Jasper said between pants, "I'd think you want me, old man." He let Carlisle tug his shirt off.

"Unlikely," Carlisle said with a scoff. Splaying his palm flat against Jasper's back, he pulled his lover toward him and pressed a quick trail of kisses to his ear. "Why would a handsome, charming, distinguished-"

"You forgot modest," Jasper mumbled with a slight moan as Carlisle took his earlobe into his mouth, nibbling lightly.

"-gentleman such as myself want with a punk ass kid like you?"

Jasper's hands went to Carlisle's pants, his eyes mischievous as he undid the button and yanked his pants down, boxers and all. "I can think of a few things." His tone was even. Sultry.

His words went straight to Carlisle's cock. He got one good, hard kiss in before Jasper dropped to his knees, pushing Carlisle into a sitting position on the bed. Carlisle automatically reached back, grabbing a pillow and handing it down to Jasper who slid it beneath his knees.

As many years as they'd been together, Jasper could have Carlisle any way he pleased. With that delectable mouth of his, his strong tongue, and talented hands, Jasper could have him cross-eyed and on the brink in shamefully few minutes.

Tonight, though, there was no reason to hurry.

Jasper started slow, drawing the pad of his finger around the base of Carlisle's shaft. Slowly, as he looked up, his eyes on Carlisle's, he put first one then another finger in his mouth, letting his lips wrap around them alluringly. With that glint in his eyes, Jasper didn't even need to touch him to titillate him.

He did, though. Of course. He passed his slick fingers around and over his head. Sighing, Carlisle leaned back slightly, propping himself on one hand and caressing the underside of Jasper's chin with the other.

Jasper kissed the pad of his thumb before he dipped his head, taking the tip of Carlisle's cock into his mouth. He suckled at it a bit, teasing, before he began taking it in inch by inch. He was thorough, using the very tip of his tongue to lap at his shaft with short, hard strokes. Lick, and then a flick to the underside of his tip. Lick, and swirl around.

Carlisle's breath came in sighs and little moans. He murmured soft things to Jasper, some of them sweet, some of them utterly filthy.

Jasper was excellent at multi-tasking. As Carlisle's body writhed, rising slightly to meet the up and down motion, he naturally moved closer to the edge of the bed. When he was in a good position, Jasper let his fingers drift from where they had been tracing around and in between his balls up to his asshole.

Carlisle gasped and jumped a little, trying to control his movements with his cock so deep in his lover's throat. His moans became much more vocal and his whispered words much breathier as Jasper slipped a finger inside him, sending pleasure radiating from the tip of his nerves all through his body.

"Jasper," Carlisle breathed. He tugged on the other man's ear. "Want you. Need you."

Apparently, this was agreeable to Jasper because he released Carlisle from his mouth almost instantly. Carlisle skittered backward like a crab while Jasper climbed up on the bed over him. Their kisses were passionate, tongues stroking each other as Carlisle fumbled with the button of his jeans.

The way their bodies brushed, it wasn't easy to rid themselves of the remainder of their clothing, but eventually, they managed it.

For long minutes, Jasper merely rested his weight on top of Carlisle, kissing him long and languidly. Carlisle kissed him back, reveling in this moment, this man. He slid his fingers along the smooth skin of his lover's back, pressing his fingertips into the fleshy firmness of his muscles. He kneaded a path along Jasper's side, down his spine, relishing the little cry the other man emitted that vibrated against their joined mouths. Carlisle caressed the curve of his ass before cupping him, pulling him closer.

Jasper lifted his head, staring down at Carlisle with tender adoration. Smiling, his heart so full and satisfied there was hardly enough room in his chest for his lungs to fill. He brushed his fingers along Jasper's cheek, communicating his complete love and devotion to the other man silently.

As Jasper lifted himself to take Carlisle into his body, he lowered his head down again. Their kisses were sweet little smacks as they began to move together, Jasper riding, Carlisle thrusting up. Their pace, unhurried at first, quickly climbed in rhythm. Their kisses became pants, exchanged breaths and gasped words.

"So fucking good," Jasper growled, the sound low and guttural. "Babe, you're so good."

Carlisle opened his mouth to answer but only a whine came out. He tilted his head back, arching his body up once, twice, a third time before he came.

It was only a minute later, Carlisle's hand stroking Jasper's cock brought him his release. His come was hot on Carlisle's stomach and chest.

When his breath was a little more even, Jasper rolled over, flopping onto his back with a hand thrown over his eyes. Carlisle located one of their shirts and cleaned himself off before he rolled onto his side. He draped his arm over Jasper's chest, snuggling close. The younger man's hand rested warm and comforting on Carlisle's back.

"Oh, tomorrow is Saturday," Jasper said with a content, sleepy sigh. "That's awesome."

Carlisle hummed his agreement.

They were both silent for a long while, just enjoying soft touches. "Jasper, do you ever regret getting tied down so young? Especially to a man like me?"

Jasper snorted. "What does that mean, a man like you?"

Carlisle lifted his head. "Older. More baggage. I mean, you were settled down with a baby on the way when you were 26. I know it's older than some people, but still."

The younger man cocked his head, staring up with a slightly exasperated expression. "Because I'm a picnic?" He ran his fingers along Carlisle's neck, the intimate gesture automatically soothing his sudden bout of paranoia. "Babe, we've all got our own little ticks."

He looked thoughtful a moment. "You know, I spent a lot of my life angry. I was angry at my dad for leaving. Looking back, it was damn ungrateful of me. My mother was all the parent I needed. She accepted me." With a small smile he passed his fingers over Carlisle's lips. "She taught me when you find someone to love, you do it without conditions." He cupped Carlisle's cheek. "You're worth it. And I'm not angry anymore. This is an emotional climate I enjoy. I have you - and you do take care of me, even when I make it difficult. And we have our lucky Penny."

He pushed up onto his elbows so he could kiss Carlisle full on the lips. "I don't feel cheated out of anything."

"That's good," Carlisle murmured, kissing him back slowly, adoringly. "That makes two of us."

It was, he thought as he fell asleep, a beautiful life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It is my intention. To never. Write about Carlisle's penis again.
> 
> JessyPT is trying to change that. I'll thank her anyway for holding my hand. Thanks to everyone who encouraged me. Thanks to all of you for your response. Thanks to naelany. Thanks to barburella.
> 
> MWAH to all of you.


End file.
